Worth the Climb

When I got home from work yesterday I just wanted to crawl back into bed. Don’t worry, I am not upset or depressed. I just wanted to sleep.

Why is it when someone says they want to crawl into bed, we sometimes assume they are downtrodden? If I read that first sentence from someone else, I would probably make that assumption. This is why I ask. Also, because I know other people do it too. Assume, that is.

Anyway, I wanted to get in my comfy bed because lately I am tired. I had a little too much wine the night before, which was also the day my kids left to be with their dad and his girlfriend, for almost a week, right before schools starts. The house is too quiet without them and I do not typically sleep well when they are gone from me. The dog woke me up at 3:25 a.m. because apparently he felt it was the optimal time to go pee and bark at some neighbor dog. So, I fancied a nap when I got home from work because naps are nice. Then while attempting to nap (yes, I did lay down in the bed in just my bra and panties for a few minutes, but hey, this is a no judgement zone, since it is MY zone. Besides, you’ve done it too.)(Also, I just had to type “judgment” a bunch of times before I got it right… geez) I realized all kinds of stuff I needed to do and my mind started racing. You know the drill. It was nice contemplating you, nap. Sorry I will not be enjoying you today. 

I clothed myself and went downstairs. There were containers of slime piled on the coffee table, thanks to the eight-year old. I noticed the so-stained couch, from kids and a dog and maybe an adult or two. I really did mean to enforce that “no eating on the sofa” rule, but apparently I am not the best example. The A/C was blowing like crazy because it’s so very hot outside and the sun coming into the living room is nice but WARM.

As I opened the mail and perused my to-do list, I thought about our week away last week and how nice it was to go somewhere where alarms did not have to be set and we could just “be”, as a family, all in the same house. One morning we hiked far down into a canyon and climbed back up, with lunch at the lodge as our reward. There were a few harrowing moments, but we all made it to the goal. A beautiful spot where we could look up at the rocks surrounding us, and stand under a waterfall.

Our journey to becoming and being a family will be similar. There will be rocks to climb and we will stumble occasionally. We will sweat and have to take breaks. However, for the most part it will be beautiful and amazing and we will support each other until we come back up to the top. I know we will have big challenges and times when there are hurt feelings or confusion. However, some things in life are worth it – all the good and the bad mixed together – and I believe building and sustaining this family is definitely one of them.

I looked on Amazon for books about blended families and remarriage, and on the internet for sites about those topics. I know these things will not be able to give me all the advice, but a little would be nice. This is uncharted territory for me. Not to mention, the statistics on remarriage are not pretty, especially when kids are involved. Part of me wonders how I can be “fair” in loving the children I birthed, while simultaneously loving some I did not. And I wonder the same for my fiance, even though he shows me how well he loves my kids all the time.

I remember, no matter the situation, life is complicated. Married, unmarried, divorced, remarried for the 5th time (you may have a bad “picker”, by the way, if the last one is the case. Just sayin’). I also remind myself that I believe God put these people in my life for a reason, to teach me something and to help me grow as a person.

These days I feel I am also being taught some important virtues I did not learn in my younger, first-marriage life. The primary ones being: patience, humility, true forgiveness (not pretend) and selflessness. The last two are the hardest. To forgive is not to forget, but instead to learn from the experience and move on in a positive way. Also, being less selfish and putting even more people before myself (in a healthy way) is sometimes a challenge. I understand I still need to make sure my oxygen mask is on first, so I can be there for the others. It’s not that… it’s more about realizing this isn’t only about me or what I need or want. Instead, it’s about ALL of us, as a collective. Our family – blended, flawed, beautiful and imperfectly perfect.

I will probably order a few books, read them and highlight the parts I feel will benefit us. I know I will continue to pray for all seven of us as we navigate this path, full of complications, joys and love.

 

A portion of my tiredness may be from processing everything this big change will bring. It’s a “good tired”, as they say. I have been open and honest with myself, Brandon and anyone who will listen about how merging two families will not always be easy. Yet even though, I am ready to start the journey and surround myself with as much love as I can. It’s about time. I may just need more naps along the way…