I am going to be completely honest here.
Because it’s my blog and I can do that. If I want.
And because well, sometimes it’s good to write these things…
So, here’s what is on my mind…
Sometimes I wonder about people who do not have children.
You know, adult, married people.
Our society fully promotes having kids and I always knew I wanted children but every-now-and-again I get these thoughts in my head about people who do not have kids, whether by choice or not. Of course those are two VERY different scenarios.
When we went to my 10-year high school reunion we sat next to a friend of mine that I had not seen since graduation, but we were in choir together while in school and it was SO nice to see her and meet her husband. We started talking about kids and she said that she and her husband had decided not to have children and were just going to love on their nieces and nephews.
I was floored. I couldn’t imagine someone NOT wanting kids. Of course I played it off, like “Oh, good, that’s great.” Little did I know at the time that my own, very first zygote was growing within me as we spoke.
And that 8.5 months later I thought of her again, wondering why I had completely changed my life by bringing this HUMAN BEING THAT I AM COMPLETELY RESPONSIBLE FOR into the world. Maybe she was on to something… 😉
No seriously, here are some things I wonder about couples without children:
What do they do with their time?
What do they spend their money on?
How quiet is their house?
What is on their refrigerator, if not “art” of their kids and the phonics game with all the magnetic alphabet?
How do they make meals for only two people?
What is in their freezer besides chicken nuggets and frozen waffles? Or maybe they still have those things because they like them for themselves.
What kind of vehicles do they drive? How clean are they?
Do they know who Laurie Berkner is?
Where do they go on vacation?
Does their t.v. service come without Disney and Nick Jr. – because it should.
What kind of ornaments hang on their Christmas trees?
What do they do on Halloween, JUST hand out candy? Go to the bar instead?
What is in the other bedrooms of their homes?
How much sleep do they get?
Have they ever given in and read a Dr. Suess book (twice!) because a little person batted their sweet eyes at them?
What do they do with their weekends besides soccer and birthday parties and Disney movie showings?
Have they ever been pooped on or spit up on or or thrown up on?
And then I wonder these things too…
Have they ever seen the joy of child’s face when they see their mom or dad after hours or days apart?
Have they ever laughed so hard at a child’s silly antics?
Have they celebrated first steps, teeth, days of school?
Have little arms ever wrapped themselves tight around their neck?
Have they ever played and cheered for a backyard baseball game?
Have they ever raked a huge pile of leaves and listened to the giggles as a child jumps in?
Have they ever played “this little piggie…” with the cutest baby toes EVER?
Whose sweet, soft face do they kiss goodnight each night?
I just feel that children give us SO much JOY. Will I understand why someone doesn’t want kids? No, probably not. But I surely think that those who do not want kids should not have them. But you know, maybe borrow one (that you know! ha!) every once and a while, just to tap into a little bit of that joy. Because it’s pretty dang awesome.
Holy crap. This is so funny bc it’s been the topic of conversation between my husband and I lately. Like, seriously…WHAT DO THEY DO???? Part of us are like, “WHOA it must be so amazingly nice!” and the other part is like “dude, you are missing out on the greatest joy known to man”…..I just don’t think having nieces and nephews is the same. At all. I know it’s not, because I was an aunt first before I had kids. I also get that there are situations where people cannot have children. So that’s hard. But the choosing to not have kids just because? It does surprise me too, sometimes.
I think about this often, too. I never NOT wanting to have children. I remember babysitting when I was like, 12-13, and SOOOOO looking forward to the day when I would have my own children, my own little kids to put to bed, to feed, to love… I love babies. Now, though, as a mother, my life is consumed by love for my boys. It is so much love it HURTS. And the worry. That’s the part that makes it not desirable, you know? Sometimes I almost wish my boys don’t have their own children so they don’t have to live through the worry and the fear and the sadness of knowing… of loving so deeply. And now as a mother, we feel pain for other parents so much more, too.
Someone once said to my mom: “My daughter has no children of her own… she’ll never know the love of having a child… but she’ll also never know the worry…”
All that said, though, I’d never trade my life that’s full of love and laughter (and mess, and fights, and tiredness..) with children for a life without…
xo
When I was in college, I knew I wanted kids. then afterwards when I began to travel and have the freedom (and money!) to do what I wanted to do, I decided that maybe I didn’t want any after all. I changed my mind again in my mid-30’s and at 38 had my son and couldn’t imagine life without him. At the same time, I am glad I waited and traveled so much (and we actually still do a lot and take him with us).
It is possible that some of the people who say they don’t want children really did, but are unable to and don’t want people to feel sorry for them because they can’t? I know that would be an easier explanation than “We would love to have some, but were unable to.”
There’s a childless couple that lives a few streets over from us. We’ve never met them and know nothing about them except what we’ve observed from driving or walking by their house. They have a hammock in their backyard and the husband hangs out there a LOT. They workout all the time. They are SUPER fit! They have a big dog. Their yard is always perfectly manicured and they do it themselves. Sometimes we’re a little jealous of that whole super fit thing and the hammock too. 😉 But surely they’re sad to miss out on all the joy and the giggles. I know I would be.
A close friend of mine and her hubs don’t have kids and likely won’t for various reasons ( none of them being fertility) and I tend to think there life is a little sad. She spends tons of money, he works a lot, the fight ect … They never seem to know what to do with themselves. I tend to think they are missing out on the best bits of life but that’s just me. By the way I adore this post because I too wonder…
The hubby and I ask each other all the time what we did before kids. And we totally don’t remember. So it must have been pretty lame.
I don’t get it either. Along with people that “don’t like kids” or “don’t get kids”. I mean, they were kids, once, right? Don’t they understand that’s how it works.
The bring so much joy and awesomeness I don’t know how anybody could not want to have kids (and my heart breaks for the people that want to and aren’t able to).
If it is by choice, then sure they have their reasons. Sadly the couples that I know that do not have kids – it was by choice of one, and not both, and my heart breaks a little for that loss … and for those that want children. and cannot have them … my heart breaks.every.day xxxx
but on another note – your post made me chuckle xxxxx
i love my life (most of it at least – i think we’re all that way though) and one of the reasons i don’t want kids is i don’t want to mess it up. hmmm…would you mind if i answered these questions in my own blog post?
I have learned so much about myself and my life through my kids. I’m not sure it’s SUPPOSED to work that way and I imagine those without kids discover themselves and their lives in other ways, but I do find it fascinating when I meet a couple who has been married a long time and don’t plan on having kids. I know a few people who have their very good reasons, but it’s just a different life compared to mine with four kids!
Steph
Steph
I’ve often thought about this a lot as well. I do wonder what they do with their weekends especially, and also what a back seat sans old fries and nuggets is REALLY like (lol, just keepin’ it real).
I think the best point you make is that parental love part they are missing out on….when your little person looks in your eyes and smiles and laughs and you can just feel the warmth throughout your whole mamaself….I just can’t imagine living without that.
You know, I often wonder this too but I take it one step further. What would it be like to be single… just me.
BK (before kids), I used to shop a lot, spend money on God knows what, go to Happy Hour on Friday nights and waste a lot of time. For real. What the heck did I do? And why the HE!! did I not sleep in every single chance I got?!!!!
I always admired people that didn’t want kids and then didn’t have them. I think more people in this world shouldn’t have kids, simply because I think many parents begrudge having kids. And that is so sad. I can see why people wouldn’t want kids. It is WORK. I mean, CONSTANTLY. Being a parent is the most selfless thing anyone will ever do, and selfless is not that popular these days.
The hubby and I went through a phase when we were first married when we couldn’t imagine why people wanted kids. We had so much freedom, and we had so much fun. But then, all of a sudden, we both just wanted them. And I’m so glad we did. I’m sure life can be full and joyful and meaningful without kids, but I’m not exactly sure how (and I don’t mean that to sound bad).
Also, I don’t think borrowing someone’s kids would help. I never really liked other people’s kids much. They annoyed me. My kids? I can’t get enough of them (most of the time, anyway).
Great post!!!
I can give you some insight as my sister is exactly one of those people you just described- married and childless by choice.
She gets to sleep whenever she wants, she has a relatively clean house, she saves up all her money to go on vacation, she cooks whatever she likes, whenever she likes or not at all, and she’s very comfortable with her decision. She also has two nephews (my boys) and a niece, who she lavishes her love and attention on. She spends some of those free weekends with us (free babysitting!), she happily changes diapers and washes poopy tushes, she feeds them, she plays with them, she loves them to the moon and back. And she gets to give them back when she goes home. It works for her and she wouldn’t have it any other way.
This also means that she has been part of the many firsts you describe here, and has had the privilege of the joy that many childless couples don’t. Lucky for her she has me, hah!
This is a great peek into your mind. I wonder some of the same things about people that don’t want kids. Sometimes I wonder if there’s a reason they don’t share.
I totally agree with you!
I lived that life only five years ago! No responsibility, eating/doing/being/watching/going wherever/whatever I wanted! But most important? Going potty ALONE, without someone watching me, asking me questions. 😉
I can’t imagine life without my kids! They are almost grown, and I don’t know what I will do. I never really thought about it, but you put it so perfectly!