Tired.

One tear falls down my cheek as I look over at my almost empty wine glass.  I decide if I even want the last sip and my brain says, “why waste it?”  So I grab the glass and let the rest of the red liquid slide down my throat.

I’m tired.  If I looked in a mirror right this moment it would be written ALL over my face. T.I.R.E.D.

I just finished watching Downton Abbey and have not talked to my husband all evening, while he is still out of town.  I cannot seem to get a hold of him.  I worry.

I figure he probably went back to his hotel and fell asleep after a long few days of traveling and traversing the country but I still want so desperately to hear his oh-so-familiar voice and he just will not pick up the phone.

I try to tell myself that he is fine, everything is fine.

It’s quiet when I turn off the television, the kids are all alseep, clean and ready for a new week to begin.  Another day of their young lives is gone. Another day of running and playing and t.v. watching and “he hit me!”s and “I love you”s.

I think about how it’s a big, no REALLY big, job to do this parent gig alone.  Even if it just for a few days, there you are, with no one else to help you bathe them, tuck them in, feed them, console them.

I ponder what it would really be like to be a single parent.  How terrifically hard it would be…

But I cannot let myself go there.  Why am I even thinking about this?

Where is my husband?

I hope again in my head that he is tucked into his hotel bed, soundly sleeping.

I go to my room to get ready for bed and more tears fall as I brush my teeth.  What if?  What if something has happened to him?

Surely he is fine.

These thoughts are on repeat, over and over in my head.

Why didn’t he tell me which hotel he was staying at?  Next time he better tell me which hotel he is staying at…

I call several to no avail.

Why am I so worried?

Because I miss him.  I do miss him so.

He’s my partner in all this and I miss my partner.

I try to remind myself that there are people who do this for months at a time.  But I don’t want to be one of those people. Ever.

Finally the phone rings back after I hang up from my 9th attempt.

He’s fine, he fell asleep while watching the Super Bowl.

He was just so TIRED.

My tears flow freely, I am so happy to hear him again.  So happy for him to say “I love you.  I’ll be home tomorrow, baby.”

And now I can sleep.  And he can sleep.

Until tomorrow…