My first thought? “But there’s life during children too.”
I was at the car dealership getting my oil changed. I did not have any of my kids with me because it was a Monday morning and they were all at school. I planned it that way. The car dealership is boring for me so I KNOW it is for my kids. Shortly after I sat down a family of three entered the lobby where I was waiting – a mom, a dad and a toddler, around two years old.
They were speaking Spanish and I said “Hola” to the darling, smiling boy. In the first few minutes after his mother sat down the little boy was walking back and forth between his parents repeatedly (his father was standing at the reception desk), toddling along so cutely, making very little noise.
Soon an older lady sat down right next to me and her presence overtook my senses. From her “loud” outfit to her louder voice, to her copious amounts of perfume that assaulted my nostrils. And then she spoke after only observing the little guy for a minute.
“There’s life after children.”
Come again?
I have honestly never seen a more well behaved toddler in a car dealership, or most places for that matter. And I am guessing the half smile and the small laugh that came from his mother was a just a polite gesture since I am not even sure she understood what the older lady said to her.
But. I did and it ticked me off.
Obviously I am not sure why she said it. Maybe it just came out. But I sat there internally fuming and wondering what she meant by those few inappropriate words.
Sure, I am glad to know that there is life after children but I also know that it is a very different one in many ways and that someone (like me) who is in the thick of raising small people does not need to hear a phrase like that. And the funny thing? I like having my kids around!
In this situation I felt like this woman was trying to tell the mother of that little boy (and maybe even me) that life is better after children.
But right now, I would have to disagree. Maybe I have to do that for sanity’s sake. You know, like for instance, when I am having a night where one kid is throwing up and another has an epic tantrum and no one ate the dinner I worked hard to prepare, I try to remember that life during children is still abundant and fun and lively and not to be dismissed.
Like the times when I take my kids to Canada on vacation and their faces light up with joy at new things like tubing and paddle boating and snow on a mountain.
Or when I occasionally still rock the “baby” at night and she asks for me to sing her a lullaby.
And maybe the times when I realize they really do love each other, like when I witness one help the other learn to play a song on the piano.
Or the many moments when they have taught me something or reminded me how precious life can be.
Life with children is full of them learning to do things for themselves and riding next to me on the roller coaster because they are finally brave enough and telling me they love me and snuggling up next to them on the couch while we watch a movie as a family.
I am no where near anticipating my “life after children” and I know that one day I will look up and that life will be here and I will marvel at where all the time went.
So, lady in car dealership, enjoy your “life after children”. I’ll take mine with kids included, thank you very much.
Me too, Elane. Me too! Comments like that are indeed annoying.
I can only hope that lady was having a bad day. Maybe the perfume killed too many of her brain cells… I always try really hard to give people the benefit of the doubt, but stuff like that gets my blood boiling in about 0.3 seconds, because I hate judgmental and condescending people. And yes, I have had days when I could not wait until the kids are in bed or in school, but the days when I am glad I get to be their mom are way more often 🙂 xoxo
Love this! Preach it Mama! I vaguely remember my life before kids and often find myself day dreaming about the mid-day naps I used to be able to take. In the back of my mind I know that a day is coming all too quickly when I will be able to take those mid-day naps again. I bet then I will be day dreaming about the days I spent raising my kids!
Hear, hear!
I don’t want to think about life ‘after’ children. Because that sounds sad and lonely. I would like to think that when the children are grown and flown, that they’ll still be IN my life in some form or manner.
The older my children get the more I dread the life after children part. Well not so much dread as hubby and I do have lots of after chidlren plans, I just know I am going to miss this whole life with kids so much. Even as I sit exhausted on a Thursday night wondering how in the world I am going to muster the energy to get through Friday!
I freaking hate stupid thoughtless comments like what. I probably would have asked her to clarify. Then slapped her with some words. You know. (I wish) (but ahhhh) So infuriating. Most people feel SAD when they are empty nesters. They miss it. Her poor kids.
My two cents? She was likely jealous and actually missing little cherubs toddling around being ridiculously cute and her jealously caused her to be snarky.
There is life. With kids, after kids, without ever having kids. Life is what you make it!
Great post, I would have been fuming too and likely would have said something snarky back. Because I am like that, sadly.
I agree, life IS what you make it, at whatever stage of it you are in. And I had the same thought about jealousy. Who knows…
Perhaps she had a rough go with her children and she said that because she feels that all moms need to hear that?
I’m not giving her an excuse but I find that people say stupid and thoughtless things based on their own experiences.
I agree that there is life after kids because they are grown ups and that means our relationship just hit a milestone that will be just as wonderful as they were as kids. We don’t stop being a mom just because they fly the coop. Ask my Mom 🙂
Kimberly, I had that though too! Actually, that was the first thing I thought. No one said parenting is always easy but I just thought it was a weird comment to make at the time… ya know?
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, as that time gets closer and closer with each new school year. This time we get with them in our homes is very fleeting. For me, it will be 26 years total that I will have children living in my home full time. It feels like a long time, but when they are gone, I have a feeling it will feel like it passed in the blink of an eye. I definitely look forward to some facets of having grown kids, but there is so very much I will miss – so very much that I will look back upon with a smile on my face.
Yeeeeeeees. Just yes. This is great, Elaine.
Me too!!!!!
My nephew just left for college this past week and his mom, dad, and grandma dropped him off. Just looking at the picture they posted on FB made me bawl. I can’t imagine life after kids. I’m loving my life now. I think this is the hardest phase, but also the best. I definitely don’t want to rush it.
Great post, Elaine!!!
You know… I guess I kind of get her point. Maybe. But not really. Because no matter how old my children are, they will always be mine. There is no “life after children” for me. Except maybe the one I’m already living.
Oh, Elaine, I love this! Life is what it is, with children or without. But once you have them, there is no life without them. I’m not sure what that woman’s point was either. But you responded beautifully. I like life with my children, too, no matter how difficult it can be. And I wouldn’t want to wish it away. I fully agree with you: “I try to remember that life during children is still abundant and fun and lively and not to be dismissed.” YES!!!! 🙂
I so dislike people like that…yes there are tough times but I want to enjoy my children, enjoy these moments because one day they will be older and won’t need me as much.
Life after children sounds boring. Even when my kids are grown and moved out, they won’t be gone. Unless, god forbid. That lady. Ugh.
I love this Elaine! And I agree wholeheartedly. I would never wish away this precious time.
Oh Elaine I love this! I agree I have encountered women like this and I think there is life with kids and I can’t imagine my life without him. And my life will always be with kids, cause he will always be my kid .
I can’t stand it when people make comments like this. I just wrote about this last week…although mine was unsolicitied parenting advice. If someone doesn’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it!! There was absolutely no reason for that woman to make that comment! Sure we all have moments with her kids (although in this case there wasn’t even a moment!), but I don’t want to wish that time away at all…it’ll be gone soon enough! I have one a couple years away from college and I get sad just thinking about it. It seems like only yesterday he was a baby. Time goes way too fast!
I wonder why people say the things they do. Maybe they are uncomfortable with silence so they blurt something out. Maybe because of their own outlook and life phase, they think it’s what someone needs to hear. Sigh. Perhaps she didn’t realize how it would sound or make someone feel.
It’s so comforting to read your post and everyone’s responses. I’m in the stage where I don’t have kids but I so want them and hoping to have them in the next year. And I’m a bit scared! People will tell you, everything is going to change. Your life won’t be your own anymore. But in my heart, I know it’s a life I want.
Our lives are now. This moment. I’d hate to wish my days away, and even on the toughest days with my kids, I’m grateful for them. Don’t get me wrong. I love my oil change time at the car dealer alone, but one day, during my future life without them, I’ll miss the chaos. And the love.
Amen, sister. Amen.
Well said. I think all too often we are looking ahead to the next thing…the next phase…and we aren’t giving proper attention or appreciation to what is right in front of us. I miss so many things about having littles…and I can tell you, having a preteen and a teen is FANTASTIC and not something I want over and done with. Oh, we have our moments, sure, but it’s really fun, too! 🙂 –Lisa
Ugh, people just don’t think!
Sure, there’s life after children- but sheesh, does that mean we can’t enjoy this time? Or should we spend the next X # of years waiting til they are grown? No, thanks! 😉