The Voices in my Head

I hate walking by the mirror in my bedroom.  It’s big and shows all of me.  I am big too.

The voices as I walk by go something like this:

“You are fat. Sure, go ahead and suck in your gut but then when you push it out again you’re just going to see that you’re fat.  Why don’t you quit eating so much?  Why?  What’s your problem?  Don’t you know that that is the main reason you are fat?  It doesn’t matter if you run three miles on the treadmill, if you keep eating all that sugar and junk it just cancels it out.  Yeah, you had that salad for lunch, good for you but then you went and ruined it with that late night snack and those oh-so-many pieces of dark chocolate (oh and remember that cookie you sneaked??).  Geez, Elaine.  Oh and you had that one week where you did really well and lost a few pounds and then you got your period and BOOM! you ate all that crap and made more excuses and here you are, back up the three pounds that you worked so hard to lose.  Three stupid pounds.  Whatever, you’re never going to fit into those other jeans again.  If you could JUST lose 10 pounds.  Even 5 would be good.  But really, you need to lose 15.  Or 20. Just stop eating junk, woman, just stop it.  But I know, it’s so good and you don’t want to never have another cupcake again because they are so damn awesome.  I get it, I do.  Your willpower is in the toilet.  But if you can’t find it again, you’re just going to keep being fat.  Remember when you lost all that weight?  You did so well and now all that hard work is for naught.  What a waste.”

Mean, mean voices.  I hear them a lot.

I hear the same voice but different words when I go to the gym.  The words are mostly about how I could look better and thinner, like that chick on the elliptical over there, so I’ll spare you.

Sometimes I really wish I could just be happy with how my body is right NOW.  But then I also wish I could find that willpower and lose those pounds that I really need to shed (once again).

But it’s so hard.

I wish I could be one of those people that never had to worry about this.  Someone who can eat whatever they want (within reason) and not gain a pound.  I’ve heard they are out there.  I’m so jealous.

But most of all, I wish I could squelch the voices.

Because I’m wasting time over here with my pity party every damn day and I’m tired of it.