The Miss Elaine-ous Life

random acts of life, family and photos

The Voices in my Head

by

I hate walking by the mirror in my bedroom.  It’s big and shows all of me.  I am big too.

The voices as I walk by go something like this:

“You are fat. Sure, go ahead and suck in your gut but then when you push it out again you’re just going to see that you’re fat.  Why don’t you quit eating so much?  Why?  What’s your problem?  Don’t you know that that is the main reason you are fat?  It doesn’t matter if you run three miles on the treadmill, if you keep eating all that sugar and junk it just cancels it out.  Yeah, you had that salad for lunch, good for you but then you went and ruined it with that late night snack and those oh-so-many pieces of dark chocolate (oh and remember that cookie you sneaked??).  Geez, Elaine.  Oh and you had that one week where you did really well and lost a few pounds and then you got your period and BOOM! you ate all that crap and made more excuses and here you are, back up the three pounds that you worked so hard to lose.  Three stupid pounds.  Whatever, you’re never going to fit into those other jeans again.  If you could JUST lose 10 pounds.  Even 5 would be good.  But really, you need to lose 15.  Or 20. Just stop eating junk, woman, just stop it.  But I know, it’s so good and you don’t want to never have another cupcake again because they are so damn awesome.  I get it, I do.  Your willpower is in the toilet.  But if you can’t find it again, you’re just going to keep being fat.  Remember when you lost all that weight?  You did so well and now all that hard work is for naught.  What a waste.”

Mean, mean voices.  I hear them a lot.

I hear the same voice but different words when I go to the gym.  The words are mostly about how I could look better and thinner, like that chick on the elliptical over there, so I’ll spare you.

Sometimes I really wish I could just be happy with how my body is right NOW.  But then I also wish I could find that willpower and lose those pounds that I really need to shed (once again).

But it’s so hard.

I wish I could be one of those people that never had to worry about this.  Someone who can eat whatever they want (within reason) and not gain a pound.  I’ve heard they are out there.  I’m so jealous.

But most of all, I wish I could squelch the voices.

Because I’m wasting time over here with my pity party every damn day and I’m tired of it.

Comments

  1. Well I love you right now. I hope in some way that makes you smile. It is SO FREAKING HARD to confront our own self talk but it’s the key. It is the absolute key to your success.

    I’ve been working on my inner monologue for a few months now. I was mean to myself too. Really really mean. I think most women are. I am so glad you are staring it down and looking it in the eye.

    I love this post. It’s harsh and sad and brutally honest. But it’s also uplifting and awesome. Because we cannot change what we don’t admit to. And what you did right here was put yourself out there. That’s a huge deal.

    xoxo

    • Thank you, love you back! Your words are wonderful and I agree, I think every woman has some sort of internal battle like this and it’s sad. Why can’t we just accept ourselves as we are?

      Thankfully, I think just writing this post has helped me start on a better path, in more ways than one…

  2. I have an inner voice (who sounds remarkably like Jillian Michaels), telling me that losing that last 5-10lbs could actually be easier, if only I had more willpower and discipline.

    I eat chocolate to shut her up.

    I know, not at all helpful.

    Can I suggest something? Allow yourself a small treat every few days. Eat smaller portions, more frequently. Eat more fruit to curb the sugar cravings. Drink lots of water. Keep exercising. Tell your inner bitch to shut up. 🙂 xoxo

    • Alison, that is a REALLY good tip about the fruit. I’m trying out the Paleo diet this week, partly because I just want to cut out all that processed junk. So far so good and I can have any fruit I want! 🙂 xo

  3. You are beautiful and you can run a 5k and that says way more about you than any number on a scale. I hate the inner voices we all have them. I once complained to a friend that i needed to work on getting back in shape and not eat so many cupcakes. And she said to me “but you really enjoyed that cupcake, didn’t you” And I thought, yes I did and there is no shame in that.

  4. But you ran a 5K last weekend!! This is hard work and you did it! You’d never let someone else talk to you that way. The next time that inner voice gets so mean remind her what an awesome runner you are. It really is a huge accomplishment and it’s worth celebrating.

    • Mine is quieter some days than others. But I’m trying to kick “her” out of my life completely!! 😉

      Thanks, Shell, for the link-up and the support!

  10. Oh how this struck me to the core. I wrote a similar post except opposite. I have always fought with those voices. Worked so hard and the results didn’t come fast enough. And once they did. Once I really did it. Lost 25lbs and worked my ass off to get there. And then I got pregnant and it went all away. And now, just now, just a few days ago I have finally accepted that this is the way I look now. All 35 lbs more than I was at my thinnest four years ago. And its okay because I love hamburgers and cheese fries. I like going out with my friends for a drink. I don’t want to always be thinking about what I can and cannot have and why? and for who?

    • I hear you on that, but for ME, I just felt so much better when I had those extra pounds off and it was easier for me to run (which I love to do) and well, you know… Thank you for your comment, you make a good point that as long as we are healthy what does it really matter? 🙂

  11. Oh my, we are so on the same wavelength today. I was talking to my therapist about this, the mean voice. (I have an entire post planned for this, just fyi). She said that everyone has those voices (and writers tend to have them more than others, another fyi). She said to talk to that other me. I asked her if that made me a crazy person, and she assured me it did not. She said, “mean people are hurting. Why is she hurting?” And you know, I’ve been doing that, talking to the other me, and it is really helping. So try that. The next time you walk by the mirror, and that bitch rears her ugly, spiteful head, stop and ask her why? Why does she have to be so mean? You might be surprised at the answer. (And then if you are like me you might sit down and cry at the revelation.)

  13. I could have written this post word for word. This is the story of my chunky, not so chunky, oh look she’s chunky again life. Sigh… I am going through the exact same this right now. I still have 20lbs of “baby weight even though the baby is 3” to lose. Those voices are so mean, I hear them ALL DAY EVERY DAY. Wish I could give you a hug..(stopping by from PYHO)

  14. I’ve always wondered why we seem to be wired to speak in negatives to ourselves instead of celebrating our accomplishments. We have to learn to reprogram our inner dialog.

    • Me too, I wonder that as well. I don’t think men do it nearly as much as women. I think it has a lot to do with the media and what we see out there and perceive as “thin” or “perfect”. But yes, we NEED to reprogram, for sure!!

  15. You know, this probably won’t seem very genuine coming from me, but everyone has those voices. Maybe not about weight or shape, but about mothering or friendship or how we keep a house, or whatever. I still have those voices–saying I could do better, get stronger, run faster, blah, blah, blah. The thing is, we have to figure out how to keep those voices from destroying us, but also not go too far the other way in positive self talk. I mean, I can actually be stronger or clean more often or be a better mom, so I should try, but not out of guilt or self-loathing. It’s hard to retrain our inner voices.

    Love you!

  16. Hugs, Elaine. I too wish i was one of those naturally thin people. Or one of those people who could say no to the voices. Or one like my SIL who throws herself into everything 150%, meaning she is a lean, mean, fit machine. Commitment is hard. YOU are beautiful.

  17. I have this voice. Her name is Shirley. Usually she’s talking about tequila. But sometimes? Sometimes she talks about weight. I AM that eat whatever you want person, but you know what? I want to be curvy. I struggle to put ON 3 pounds. Thin isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. And I know, I know you aren’t saying that it is, but know that all of us have something about ourselves that we’d like to change, something about someone else that we’d like to have. What we really need to be doing is banishing these naysaying voices, calling them the liars that they are, and celebrating ourselves for where we are in whatever we’re attempting right now.

    You are gorgeous. And you’re on the right track. Once you get pissed enough at being pissed maybe you’ll find something that works for you.

    • Thanks, Arnebya. And you’re right, I know, we all have mean voices of some kind (dammit!) I hope I can get to the point where I can celebrate again. And just writing this post (and publishing it!) has already helped me to make changes. 🙂

  19. I recently read your post about losing 30 lbs and I was so inspired because I lost a bit of weight this fall, but I’m slowly putting it back on – so I think I may be where you are at. My willpower is suddenly slipping after months of being so strong. I’m letting my voice win and I don’t know remember how I shut her up for so many months. We are beautiful just the way we are, but I so understand the struggle…..

    • That’s it, you nailed, I was REALLY good about shutting her up for a long time myself and now I just cannot. I had to stop running for a while and she started rearing her ugly head then… I’m working on it… but yes, it’s hard.

      Thank you. 🙂

  20. I think we moms need to stop thinking about our bodies in terms of how they look, but more in terms of what they can do! We need to empower our daughters to think that our bodies are more than clothes hangers.

    Look how strong you are! You ran a 5K last weekend, in my opinion that is such a better role model than being a size 2!

    I know that doesn’t really help with the voices in the mirror, but maybe talking to them, like Jennifer said, and telling them how strong you are will help!

    • I think you’re right and I agree with size not necessarily mattering as long as you are healthy, fit, etc. BUT, I did it once and I know I can do it again, if I could just get this B to shut up! 😉

      Thank you…

  21. I’ve struggled with those same thoughts for quite a long time. We decided to eat a little cleaner, to bring a little less junk home from the store and to move a little more. I’m still overweight (and also pregnant now) but I feel a little better about the overall choices I make. Body image is such a bigger thing than just what we eat! I’m stopping by today from PYHO.

  22. Those voices are liars! They lie to you, and they lie to me. You are strong and beautiful. Those are the words you need to put right next to your mirror as a positive reminder to see every day. ~Xiomara

  23. I’m right there with you. RIGHT there. After C was born I lost my baby weight and then some. Then I started meds and gained weight. Then (3 years later) I got pregnant again. And now I’m at my heaviest (4 months postpartum, but still). And yet I keep eating the damn chocolate.

  24. Those voices are the enemy of our souls. You can do it! Treat yourself sometimes (even daily) and enjoy getting healthy for a long and happy life, not for those voices! ((hugs))

  25. We all have that mean, negative, hateful voice in our head. I’m naturally thin and I have it, too. Whenever I walk by a mirror, just like you. I’m also hyper-critiques every photo I see of myself.

    My self-loathing seems to be rooted in aging and the fact that I’m starting to “spread.” I actually compare my body now – in my late 30’s AND after having a baby – to my teenage and twentysomething self. Which as everyone knows is like comparing apples to oranges because – hello! – our bodies change and mature and grow curvier as we get older and that’s not necessarily a BAD thing. But apparently in my own mind, I’m still 22.

    I also compare myself to celebrities. As in, “Well, she’s my age and she’s had TWO kids and still looks phenomenal. So, why can’t I look like that?” Um, because I don’t have a personal nutritionist and trainer and 2 hours to work out ever day, 7 days a week, maybe? And yet I continue to do it. ::Sigh::

    • I think media has A TON to do with how most women feel about their bodies these days. And I feel that a lot of my insecurities wouldn’t even exist if magazines/tv/movies, etc. would show more women of ALL sizes and not just emaciated ones and if we didn’t glorify that all over the damn place. Should I just get over it, yeah, probably. I’m a healthy person who has a few extra pounds on her because she eats too good of food. Third World Problems. ::sigh:: 😉

      And I quit comparing my body to my 20-something self after my first c-section and definitely after three babies (ha!) but I hear ya!

  26. Oh man. I had posted a really long comment and then it just disappeared. Ugh.

    The gist was this:

    For lent I have given up snack, eating at night, alcohol, and I started exercising and running again. I’ve been doing this for a week and a half now and I have not lost ONE pound. It is so infuriating!!!!
    We all have those horrid voices in our head. It is a real trick to learn to shut them up. I don’t think I’ve figured it out yet, but I keep trying. We are our own worst critics.
    What I do know is that every time you post a picture of yourself I think you look beautiful!