The Miss Elaine-ous Life

random acts of life, family and photos

Suicide Sucks

by

I put these words out there to some online friends the other day.  As if they did not know this already.

But unless someone close to you or close to someone you love has taken their life, I’m not sure you can really know the true depth of it’s suckage.

 

Some good friends here in town gave us a wind chime in honor of Brian’s memory.  Since he was a musician they were extra thoughtful and this one chimes to “middle C”.  It is so very bittersweet to hear it ring out on a windy day, right outside my kitchen window.

Is he there in the breeze, can he hear it too?

It is even solid black – one of his signature colors.

 

There are days that I only think about Brian once and then I put it out of my head.  “It” being what he did.

I’m having a tough time…. only remembering him for that part right now.

It makes my heart ache.

It makes me question, “Why?”

The fact is though, I may never truly know why.  Even if I get to “see” him again someday… he may still keep that secret in his own soul.

 

People ask how I am doing and I am fine.  It’s those that I love that I worry about.  That I wish I could “fix” things for.  That I wish I could wrap in hugs, 24/7.

Of course my husband…

But mostly.   My Mother-in-law.

She lost her son.  Her child.  He’s gone and there’s nothing she can do.

Her heart breaks in a way that I hope to never know.  But who is to say I won’t some day?

This life is guaranteed to no one.  The lives of our loved ones are also out of our hands.

This mother here wants to hold her “babies” now, forever…

 

I don’t mean to be a downer but well, you know, this subject, it’s a downer.

The last few weeks, except for some bright spots, have been a downer.

The thought that my husband has only one brother living now and not the two he should, that’s a downer.

The thought that we can only be with Brian in memories now – downer.

 

The wind chime, although I am thankful for it (so blessed by my friends’ thoughtfulness) is even kind of a downer.

Because I’d much rather have him here than a chime hanging from the side of the house.

 

Stupid suicide.  I hate that you are even a thing.

 

chime

 

 

 

 

Comments

  1. Do not apologize for writing what’s in your heart and mind. It’s a real thing for you and your family, which absolutely sucks and is horrible, and you are allowed to feel the feelings, and write them out. I can’t tell you enough how very sorry I am that you and your family are going through this. My heart hurts for you. xo
    Alison recently posted…Things I’m Afraid To Tell You: Volume IIIMy Profile

  2. Oh man. Another beautiful, poignant, and brave post. I know many will be nodding their heads right along with this and like me get down to the comment section and just not know what to say. Because what can be said? It is awful. All the way around. And it will always be awful. But hopefully time will make it less raw. I don’t think you’ll ever be able to understand it. It is hard to fathom. But it just is, so we just gotta keep moving. Keep breathing. And keep praying.
    My continued prayers to you, your husband, Brian, your mother in law, and the rest of your family. Praying for comfort and peace and strength and healing.
    Kat recently posted…BizarreMy Profile

  3. I read your other post about this, and then I lost a student last week. You are so right about it. It sucks. There is no way to be polite about it. Let’s just make sure that we all talk about it enough that it makes someone think twice and not do it.
    Allison recently posted…Forty and Fabulous FridayMy Profile

    • I definitely think we SHOULD talk about it more. It has to help right? I’m so sorry about your student… 🙁

  6. OH Elaine, I’m just so sorry. I know how this feels, I know how helpless and sad it feels to not know why it happened, to wonder about how sad he must have been, to wonder if you could have done anything.

    I also know how it feels to hold other people in your heart and worry for them. I spend most of my day thinking of my mom and hoping that this doesn’t kill her figuratively or literally. I can’t imagine losing a child and it is something that I cannot help her in the dealing with.

    I lost a brother, my sons lost an uncle, my mother lost a son, Emily lost a husband and yet our grieving is the same and different. Ben, like Brian, is still gone and that pain is unbearable sometimes.

    please know that I’m here and listening, reading, just here…if you need me.
    Suicide sucks. Yes, yes, it does.
    Kir recently posted…The 7 Ways Blogging Has Changed, Enhanced and Saved My LifeMy Profile

    • That you are here means so much, Kir. I’m so sorry for both us and our families. It’s just not right.

      Love to you…

  8. My parent’s good friend committed suicide when I was in high school and it was a shock to everyone. My mom thought that maybe he just didn’t realize that death is permanent. He couldn’t see past his pain. Why else would he leave a wife and two young daughters.
    I’m so sorry for your loss and for your husband and mother-in-law’s loss. It’s hard all around.
    Tamara recently posted…Are We For Real?My Profile

    • I guess Brian couldn’t see past the pain either. Breaks my heart. Thank you, Tamara…

    • I’m so sorry to hear that Kerstin. It’s definitely more prevalent than I realized. So sad.

      love back to you too… xoxo

    • Why don’t we talk about it more? I guess because it makes people uncomfortable. I think because we are uncertain about what happens after too… Geez, sounds like another blog post – ha!
      Thanks Tonya…

  12. It does suck. I am so sorry that your family is experiencing this, Elaine. I am thinking about you.

    • Thank you, Ashley. And I do wish he could see, but mostly how much people loved him and wished he was still here…

  15. Everything about suicide sucks. My niece committed suicide in 2011 and I still think it haunts me though the pain does heal with time and I feel like I gain clarity on it more every day that passes. But there are times where it still hits me like a ton of bricks – mostly when I see the pain that I know her siblings and parents and step-parents carry every day.

    Wishing your family some peace.
    xoxo
    Kiran recently posted…Line of SightMy Profile

    • It’s the ripple, as Tim says… of pain and loss and how it continues on through so many aspects of the life he left behind…

      I’m so sorry you know this pain.

      xoxo

  16. This is heartbreaking yet beautiful, Elaine. That we don’t have the answers we seek is always frustrating, but to know the answers only lie within the one we have lost would be so hard. Love to you and your family, and for all the hurts you are enduring right now. xoxo
    Andrea recently posted…DIY Breakfast CasseroleMy Profile

  18. I’m just catching up and I am so, SO sorry about everything but I completely understand most of the feelings you are having. While our losses are technically different, they were both extreme and sudden and that brings on a whole other set of emotions to accompany the typical feelings of loss. Biggest of the big hugs to you and keep on writing about the deep stuff. It helps.A lot.
    Thea Rudland recently posted…Planes, Trains, and Automobiles (and maybe a Cruise Ship)My Profile