Spillage

I’ve been doing a lot of quick posts lately.

Sometimes it’s hard to sit down and write. Especially when I’m tired a lot. And even a tad depressed.

My life is good. I have everything I need or want.

Except.

My ideal body.

I try not to get too wrapped up in it all. I mean I had a baby less than 5 months ago.

But.

I stood on the scale for the first time in a few weeks this a.m. and the results: NOT. GOOD.

I’ve whined about this too much lately, I know. But here’s the thing. THIS body, the one I have right now – is only 8 lbs. away from the MOST I’ve ever weighed in my life (except when pregnant). And I HATE that. HAAAAATE it. When I look in the mirror all I see is fat. Everywhere. And when I look I know it’s me but somtimes I feel like I’m in a different body. One that seems to be working against me instead of with me.

I think in my mind that I’m not eating (or drinking) THAT much but I must be (maybe I should start keeping a food journal). And granted, I haven’t exercised in the last two weeks due to our travels and well, the fact that I simply feel like it isn’t doing any good. I KNOW in my mind and my heart that it IS good but after only losing a couple of pounds during the previous Shrinking Jeans challenge (and now, gaining them back!!!) I can’t see the forest for the trees. And part of me just wants to accept this fat chick. I mean, I like food and I don’t believe in completely depriving myself of things.

I did give up chocolate for Lent (it’s been 8 days, Miracle of miracles…) but I have this knack for finding other sweets to resort to.

I see other people who seem to eat whatever they want and not gain a pound. I don’t have the DNA or the age for that. And it makes me a tad bitter.

I should give myself a break since I know it can take up to a year after having a baby for our bodies to recover. I know this. But I also feel if I use that excuse things will only get worse. Time is NOT on my side.

I was a hefty kid and have ALWAYS struggled with my weight. The kitchen is my battlefield. As are restaurants and bakeries. Oh and the grocery store and my Mom’s kitchen. You know, anywhere where there is FOOD. Sometimes I wish we didn’t even have to eat. Am I the only one who feels that way? Certainly not.

Maybe I should just take a tip from Baby K and snack on my toes.

Hey, I may be pissed off about my weight but I haven’t lost my sense of humor. 😉

So anyway, there’s my mental “spillage” about all my bodily “spillage.”

On Monday I start the 30 Day Shred with my friends from Shrinking Jeans.

By the end of this month I plan to look different than I do now. I hope to feel differently too.

And here’s a bit of my motivation. The fittest I’ve been in the last 10 years. This picture is from Tim’s 10 year class reunion in 2002. I want to see those bones in my shoulders again.

Here we go.