I’ve been doing a lot of quick posts lately.
Sometimes it’s hard to sit down and write. Especially when I’m tired a lot. And even a tad depressed.
My life is good. I have everything I need or want.
Except.
My ideal body.
I try not to get too wrapped up in it all. I mean I had a baby less than 5 months ago.
But.
I stood on the scale for the first time in a few weeks this a.m. and the results: NOT. GOOD.
I’ve whined about this too much lately, I know. But here’s the thing. THIS body, the one I have right now – is only 8 lbs. away from the MOST I’ve ever weighed in my life (except when pregnant). And I HATE that. HAAAAATE it. When I look in the mirror all I see is fat. Everywhere. And when I look I know it’s me but somtimes I feel like I’m in a different body. One that seems to be working against me instead of with me.
I think in my mind that I’m not eating (or drinking) THAT much but I must be (maybe I should start keeping a food journal). And granted, I haven’t exercised in the last two weeks due to our travels and well, the fact that I simply feel like it isn’t doing any good. I KNOW in my mind and my heart that it IS good but after only losing a couple of pounds during the previous Shrinking Jeans challenge (and now, gaining them back!!!) I can’t see the forest for the trees. And part of me just wants to accept this fat chick. I mean, I like food and I don’t believe in completely depriving myself of things.
I did give up chocolate for Lent (it’s been 8 days, Miracle of miracles…) but I have this knack for finding other sweets to resort to.
I see other people who seem to eat whatever they want and not gain a pound. I don’t have the DNA or the age for that. And it makes me a tad bitter.
I should give myself a break since I know it can take up to a year after having a baby for our bodies to recover. I know this. But I also feel if I use that excuse things will only get worse. Time is NOT on my side.
I was a hefty kid and have ALWAYS struggled with my weight. The kitchen is my battlefield. As are restaurants and bakeries. Oh and the grocery store and my Mom’s kitchen. You know, anywhere where there is FOOD. Sometimes I wish we didn’t even have to eat. Am I the only one who feels that way? Certainly not.
Maybe I should just take a tip from Baby K and snack on my toes.
Hey, I may be pissed off about my weight but I haven’t lost my sense of humor. 😉
So anyway, there’s my mental “spillage” about all my bodily “spillage.”
On Monday I start the 30 Day Shred with my friends from Shrinking Jeans.
By the end of this month I plan to look different than I do now. I hope to feel differently too.
And here’s a bit of my motivation. The fittest I’ve been in the last 10 years. This picture is from Tim’s 10 year class reunion in 2002. I want to see those bones in my shoulders again.
Here we go.
Girl, I hear you. Loud and clear. I’ve been feeling the exact same way. It’s funny that our lives are so alike these days: new places to call home, new babies, new body. Argh. I got so frustrated this week that I joined Weight Watchers. I need the accountability that it offers to have to weigh in every week in front of someone else. Let’s encourage each other!
How cute is your baby girl? So, so cute! And good luck to you. My weight depresses the crap out of me, too, and I have only myself to blame for being the worst yo-yo dieter on the planet. I lose and gain 10 pounds almost every two months and it’s NOT good for my health. I diet hard-core, lose, then start over-eating, and gain. Yo-yo. Story of my life. I hate it. Good luck, you CAN do it! But try not to be too hard on yourself, either. 🙂
SUCH a cute picture of Baby K!
And I feel like you took the words out of my head and wrote them out for me.
Especially with the whole balance between knowing that it takes a year for your body to go back to normal, but at the same time, not using it as an excuse…!
I too love food. I was thinking about this today. I just love it.
I’m just trying to hit the gym regularly and drink more water and have portion control. (So says the one who ate almost an entire bag of Ritz Crisps. BOo.)
Oh Elaine, my dear dear dear friend, who seems to be leading a parallel life to me, one year later.
You will get past this, you will exercise, you will make better food choices, your hips WILL shrink, you will feel better about yourself, your pants will shrink, you will like what you see in the mirror.
My “baby” is now 17 months old and I am still a few pounds away from my pre-pregnancy size but all of those things that I wrote up there have happened. Now, I need them to happen some more.
I find myself falling into the trap of comparing myself to others and just as quick, I try to pull myself away from that thinking. Thinking about how it’s just not fair that that girl over there can eat whatever she wants, or that woman over there can lose weight faster, or that one over there runs faster- OMG- I can always find someone “better” than me.
I have to find the balance within though, what works for me, what I am comfortable living. Noone else walks my shoes but me.
HUGS!!!!
Elaine, you looked great when I saw you last week! You are much too hard on yourself! love, ann
It is tough. Hang in there. I can relate. Lately I have been avoiding the scale because I know my pants are a little more snug these days. UGH!!
Me too, me too! I’m right there with you sister.
Btw, did I tell you I’m moving to TX? I did, right? You can come see me when you visit!
I could have written this post, word for word.
Seriously, you and I need to have a heart to heart when I visit…maybe we can hold each other up! 🙂
Love you, and I think you are beautiful no matter what.
you will get to where you want to be..you have the desire and now you have a plan…that 30 day shred is a great system! Are you doing the food too?
Juggling kids, diet and exercise is tough…what works for me is prepping all my food. If you ever need help, I am here!
I remember being at my heaviest and feeling like there was no hope….but then I slowly started seeing it was going to take work to make it go away.
I still fall into the Obese category and am not happy with my body at all, but I know that I did it before and I can so it again. You are beautiful and will do it too!
I log all my stuff in an excel journal, if you want me to send it to you let me know. Feel free to see if it might work for you. I better at logging things then writing it down since I’m on the PC all friggin day!
Hugs dear friend…you will look back at today and realize how strong you were for making a change!
You can do it Elaine! When I was exercising regularly (and I should still be doing so, but whatever) I had to tell myself that one day of poor eating or a skipped workout did not mean I had to give up entirely. I didn’t beat myself up about it, I just allowed myself the break and moved on. It made a huge difference in not feeling so overwhelmed by a workout schedule and whatnot. You’ll get to a good place, it just may take a while and include a few setbacks. But we’re all here to cheer you on and commiserate on the bad days.
you can do it! you can do it! (and I’m currently searching for my chin and colar bone as well). Let’s find them together!
Oh I hear you my sweet friend. I have always struggled with my weight and I too get bitter when I see others eating whatever they want (ahem, my husband) and not gaining a pound. It is so hard. It is really hard to be friends with these people with abnormal metabolisms 😉 Maybe I shouldn’t anymore, it will be a requirement to be my friend, you MUST struggle with your weight and be as concious as I am about everything that goes into your mouth to be my friend! HA!
Love you. You’re not alone.
Hon, I can completely relate to how you feel. Unfortunately it took until my “baby” was 3 years old before I finally found the true motivation and discipline to lose the weight. It was HARD. But you know what? It’s even harder now, trying to maintain this weight. I think I enjoyed the losing part better! Like you, I often wish we didn’t have to eat. There are times when I am so strict and good and feel proud of myself, but then there are times where I just don’t give a hoot! I want to enjoy my life, dammit! Crazy, because I know I can maintain a healthy weight AND enjoy my life … it’s just years of telling myself otherwise that is really hard to undo.
The thing that helped me the most was the phrase: “You are in control of the next bite”. It helps me when I’ve had a big ole binge and I feel like saying, “what the hell, I’ve blown it anyway, why not just do a real good job of blowing it?” … but then I realise that I can start again from the VERY NEXT BITE. It kind of helps me carry on without the guilt and self-destructive talk.
You CAN do it, I know you can! Just give yourself time, and do it at your own pace. I know for me, if I’m at least *trying* then I feel better about myself, even without the huge amazing results on the scales. You are not alone in this. HUGS!!
Claudia and I just found out that my 20 year high school reunion is in June and she is now on a mission to lose a bunch of weight before meeting any of my old classmates. We didn’t make it to my 10 year reunion so she hasn’t met most of them.
What a beautiful picture—and the truth is that no matter your weight, you shine & are a beautiful person inside & out.
That being said, I know those feelings you speak of. You know I struggle with this, too. I love food. It’s so hard.
But also—you’ve had THREE pregnancies/babies!!! And Baby K is still so little. Just go easier on yourself. I know it’s hard, but you’re really doing amazingly well.
I am interested to hear more about the 30 Day Shred.
It’s why I run… it’s the only thing that keeps my weight down. Like you, I love food and will never be willing to give it up. But I still think you’re too hard on yourself. I can’t remember exactly how old your baby girl is, but you need to give yourself more time! She’s still a baby. Most women take a few years to get back to their old weight. It will happen, just keep at it.
Man. I wish we lived closer.
I feel exactly the same way right now. I started running again two weeks ago and while that is going great I don’t feel like I am loosing enough quickly enough. I even gave up ALL sweets and unhealthy food (like chips and such) so I assumed the weight would fall right off. Plus I’m still breastfeeding. But still. I’m 20 pounds heavier than I should be and it is starting to drive me crazy!!
Meanwhile my hubby is loosing just by thinking about it. Grr.
Anyway, just wanted to say that you are not alone. Hang in there. You can do it!
Wel… I wished you lived here in Ft. Worth, and we could work out together.. I TOTALLY get you when you say that you look in the mirror and think “who stole the REAL me and gave me this one”… I even feel guilty at times that I have so much and am still gagging at this muffin that rolls over my jeans.. YUCK.. BUT… I guess no matter what size you are there are things that you HATE about your body unless maybe you’re 18. haha
Best Wishes to you….
Staci
Girl! I have been there. And now I am here so I know you can get here too. As you know, after all my work, I still find fault with my body, it’s what we do. But it feels so good to set a goal and meet it, so go after it. We are all here cheering you on. It’s so worth it.
Remember nothing ever tastes as good as feeling good about how you look feels!!!
xoxoxo
I totally feel you. I was always a chubby kid. In junior high I wore size 20 jeans. Weight has always been a struggle for me.
Even now when I weight less than I did in high school and less than I did before I got pregnant with my first child… sometimes I still just see the fat.
So I am working on it too… but reasonably. My goal is to loose 20 pounds in 20 weeks. I think that is a workable challenge and then I won’t get so discouraged!
Good luck lady! You can do it.
Well, you’re gorgeous, but I hear you. When you are not where you want to be, it affects every little thing. It affects how you feel day to day. I’ll be pulling for you.
PS Absolutely adorable *five month old* baby. Give yourself a little time?
Oh my yes, I feel you. I have always been heavy…could never lose weight. And then having a baby somehow kickstarted my metabolism and the pounds came off – 40# in the first year! But then N stopped nursing and it’s all back. I want to lose weight..but I seem to love food even more. sigh. And I use my heart condition as an excuse to not exercise – and while it’s true a lot of physical exertion is not good for me, I take it way too far. My goal is to lose 5 measly little pouds this lent. Surely I can do that?!?! And you can too!!
If I had cute little toes like that, I’d probably nibble on them, too. I hear you about the weight, though. My youngest is 19 months and I still have every single pound of baby weight I gained with her, all 50 pounds that haven’t budged a bit.
Good luck, momma. I think you look pretty either way. 🙂
your kids? omg ..absolutely gorgeous. I’m waay older than you, but suffer the same weight issues. Recently I decided to exercise between the first part of my job (rounding at the hospital,) and working at the clinic. I take that time as my lunch time. I walk round and round the hospital…huge outside parking lot with steep inclines, (including a mega incline which leads to a waldorf school.) i make myself walk for 45 mins. each and every day, i battle with myself re: walk? or not walk? so many excuses…but i’ve forced myself to do it since the first of feb, and have lost 4 pounds. (also watching portion control.) am so sick of not fitting clothes. its wierd that every day is a battle, but after? i’m all..that wasn’t so bad. mey…I just have to force yourself to do it. good luck…its all a matter of claiming some time to walk/or other exercise. I had so many good excuses for so long! sorry for the epistle!my husband’s famous saying..”you just have to change your relationship with food”..easier said than done, but true.