I look at myself anywhere from 5-25 times a day in a mirror. Usually to put in my contact lenses or do my hair or to put make-up on my face. And of course to see how I look in the clothes I put on for any given day.
When I was a teenager I remember looking at myself in the flimsy full-length mirror that hung loosely on the back of my 1970’s bedroom door. I would pinch here and analyze there. I could easily recognize that my figure, especially on the bottom, was very similar to my own Mother’s. I definitely have her legs.
But then I would sit down on the floor in front of that same mirror and look deep into my own eyes, and through my skin and organs and sit in awe and wonder. There, in front of me, reflected in a cheap piece of glass, was this person. And I’d ask… WHERE did I come from? WHO made me? WHY was I formed as I was? WHO WAS I?
It was almost surreal and would send a surge through my being that caused me to get chills and I would feel this deep connection with my own body, parts that I loved and parts I could do with out.
Nowadays I don’t get to look that deep, I simply don’t make the time. I see what I see on the outside and think nothing of what’s really on the inside. I find no time to look deep into my soul.
And no, I’m not necessarily talking about mirrors anymore. I’m also talking about my own spirituality and how it’s currently suffering, grasping for air, if you will.
I won’t go into all the details of how I currently do not find time with my God, the one I KNOW loves me no matter what, no matter how far or close I may feel to Him at any given time. The one that knows my heart and ME inside in out and can see into my soul too.
But it does lay heavy on my heart. As you probably have guessed from this post.
I strive to do better. But I make promises to myself and Him that I cannot seem to keep.
There are days when I question the religion I practice and have chosen to raise my children in. And I’ll admit a big part of me really feels that He doesn’t care about all of that, He simply cares that I live a good, honest, life, while being kind to others and giving to those who are less fortunate than myself.
I go there because it’s tradition, I go because it’s where I feel most comfortable. I go because on the Sundays that I’m not too distracted by children, and can actually hear the priest, I usually feel enlightened and rejuvenated, even if only once a week.
And eating the “bread of life” and drinking from the cup. Well, those things are pretty rejuvenating too.
So right now, that’s pretty much all I get in the way of “God time” these days. (unless you count praying with my boys every night. I suppose you could…)
It’s not a lot and it’s probably not enough but in this season of my life and in the place where I seem to be, it’s the best I can do.
I just hope He understands.
***I wrote this post on Saturday. And then on Sunday I went to church and this was one of the readings that spoke right TO ME: Timothy 1:12-17
“12 And I thank Christ Jesus our Lord who has enabled me, because He counted me faithful, putting me into the ministry, 13although I was formerly a blasphemer, a persecutor, and an insolent man; but I obtained mercy because I did it ignorantly in unbelief. 14And the grace of our Lord was exceedingly abundant, with faith and love which are in Christ Jesus. 15This is a faithful saying and worthy of all acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am chief. 16However, for this reason I obtained mercy, that in me first Jesus Christ might show all longsuffering, as a pattern to those who are going to believe in Him for everlasting life. 17Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, to God who alone is wise, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen.”
And then the cantor (song leader) sang a beatuiful song in which the chorus rang out “Your Grace is Enough…”
I should know better. He’s always showing me his grace and mercy. Always.
Elaine, this is so true. And, so needed. I wrote about this a little recently, though not with words as beautiful as yours because I was struggling with this, too. Still am some days. I just find myself without words to say to my Father when I spend time with Him sometimes. It’s times like those that I have to trust that He knows my heart. He knows me. Of course He does, He made me. He gave me this season of Motherhood that I cherish so, so much. The very season that often keeps me gasping for air and left with very little time for Him. Not that that’s an excuse but I often forget that His grace covers it all and that He gets it, ya know? Thanks for sharing this, friend.
I admire those who make time to nurture themselves spirtually..I am not one of those people…we had a brief stint at church when I was young…whereas my hubby LIVED at church…forced there too much…and ended up resenting it…so now we do not attend church…but I often wonder if I would somehow be different, better, if I did make time to believe…
I think we’re so busy getting through each day that it’s tough to find time to soul search, you know?
That was a fantastic post, Elaine! I’ve been feeling this way lately. I put so much before God– and He is to be first in my life. I make excuses. I make promises, I don’t keep. Everything you said. I am thankful that even though I am a rebel, and I don’t always do what I am supposed to, that He always loves me.
What a beautifully honest post. It is amazing how God speaks right to us when we actually listen. So comforting.
I pray that in our quietest moments (what are THOSE?) you can hear HIM and feel that closeness and connection and love.
🙂
Oh I have so much to say, but don’t even know how to say it. I am not good at taking time for a daily devotion or quiet time, even though I know it would be so worth it. It is hard to see the point, especially if you don’t feel spoken to every day.
I have lots to say on our shared faith, but this is probably not the time or place. I will just say that the constancy of our traditions feed me so much when I am unable to do more on my own.
I think you should find time for a retreat, whether in your parish or another community. Sometimes we moms have to get our spiritual tank full all at once instead of a little bit each day.
Praying for you friend.
I don’t even know where to start. This is such a deep post. Sometimes we think we’re further from God than we really are. He’s always there. Even when you’re having trouble making time. A prayer said while making food for your kids, with them at bed time, while folding laundry…all of these count as time with Him. Hugs!
Funny how God speaks to us. My pastor just had a sermon about “Margin: why white space is a good thing”. We live in a world crammed with long to-do lists, we have no margin, no breathing-room, no blank space. We DO things to serve God, but sometimes all that DOING or SERVING (insert any action/verb) isn’t necessary. We need to create time and space to connect with God. Quiet time, journaling, whatever, to build our RELATIONSHIP with Him. We read Luke 10:38-42. And then your post this morning reiiterated what I need to do in my life. Being a mother, wife, hospital worker, I find myself doing too much for others at times. God understands that motherhood is time-consuming. But I know He wants me to stop so much Doing, and spend more time listening or talking to Him. Thanks for this post. I hope you find some comfort in knowing God is there and he cares.
i hear you on all of this mama. it’s just like exercise — i know if actually commit and decent amount of time to connect and pray and be thankful to God for all of the amazing things in my life that my heart will fill up and i will feel more and better and well, but other things (really dumb things!) get in my way sometimes and then i dry up. it’s so important. thank you for this reminder. xoxo
Beautiful post, E. Wonderful. Thanks for sharing and moving all of us.
He always knows what we need, doesn’t He?