Push and Pull

It is rarely quiet in our house. The only time complete silence prevails is on weekend mornings, when everyone is still asleep.

I try to steal moments here and there of “quiet”, however there is usually some kind of background noise. The t.v., a video game, someone talking or laughing. I sit in the reading chair in our living room and read the daily snippet from a little prayer book I get from church. It takes all of a minute to read it and then I sit and soak in what I read. I don’t do this every day, only on the days I remember. It provides a moment of peace amidst the noise.

Sometimes I go upstairs into our bedroom and sit on my side of the bed and read a chapter or two of a book before someone comes looking for me. Requests for my attention are often. I am wanted and needed and even though that is a good thing, sometimes I just need to take a minute to breathe.

I found a new magazine at the book store that has puzzles and brain games and I find locking myself in the bathroom for a little longer than actually needed can also be a good time to recharge for a little bit. I can be found in there there easily with a “Mom?” but I can also usually beg off the seeker for a little while longer while I finish my puzzle.

It’s not that I don’t want to be with them. I just need a few minutes of “me time” every now and again within this busy life we live. Some days it feels like a whirlwind. Also, it has been many years now of someone continuously needing something from me. I know that comes with the role of being their mother and especially in my case, where I have spent the exceeding majority of their life being their primary caretaker and question-answer-er. I promise I am not complaining. I think the role of “mother” takes over for a season of our lives and that is okay. But we still need to be who we are.

Honestly, I don’t remember needing my mom as much as my kids seems to need me some days. I probably did though. I recall times of saying ,”mom, mom, mom” over and over again and she not answering me right away. I was probably doing my best to interrupt whatever she was in the middle of at the time. Kids are funny like that.

The house used to be more quiet when I was divorcing and they would go to there father’s house to spend time with him. I have also written about that. Today I have found myself in a different situation, and now they are with us almost all the time. And truly, I am okay with that. I like knowing where they are and having them in my care. Sooner than later they will start to gradually pull away from us, one by one and faster than I can fathom. It’s already beginning with a driver’s license and an actual job for our oldest.

So there is this internal push and pull to be with them as much as I can but also keep my sanity at the same time. In these days of COVID, I feel like we have received the gift of extra time, however it also weighs on each of us in some way because it is not what we are accustomed to in our “normal” day-to-day living. The kids’ needs are also different now than they used to be, even in the amount of time. Sometimes they just need a hug or a few minutes alone with me to talk about something. Sometimes I just need a break from making dinner (this is an attempt at a little joke, however also very true)!

I want them here but I also want them to go. Not forever but for a little while. I am learning to let go. I know they are too in their own ways. I think our mother hearts have to gradually adapt to it or we cannot survive it.

So go, and give me a little break. But come back because I need you too… like nothing else I have ever needed in my life.