The Miss Elaine-ous Life

random acts of life, family and photos

My Dream of Three

by

I had always envisioned myself with three children.  I had no idea how far apart they would be, what their genders would be or in what order they would go, but I wanted them in my heart, for a long time.

There was a time when I thought the third child would never be for me and I even wondered if he or she was something I wanted anymore.  But she entered the world just as my soul somehow always knew she would, and my heart expanded yet another size. 
She completed our family.
I know she did.  And I am glad she did. 
But then, the other day I started to question where my period was.  You know, the one that comes monthly?  
I had my tubes tied when K was born.  There are not supposed to be any more babies from this body.  But still, I wondered…. What if?  What if I was meant to have another and it is truly out of my control?
The next morning I was in K’s room, while she played with her toys and the sunlight streamed into her pink-draped window.  She scattered Barbies and Littlest Pet Shop and Dora’s house all over the floral rug in her room.  Her gentle, little-girl voice lilted between the four walls of the space that is all her own, but where she invited me to play.  
I sat in the cozy chair in her room, both of us still in our jammies, and I watched and listened to her stories between a bobble-headed kitty and Dora and Arielle “Barbie”.  I looked up from my coffee mug as her finicky fingers dropped all the characters and she ran to my lap, “Put me upside down, Mommy!” she said, “Let me kiss your nose!”. 
I tickled her belly, just a little and she giggled while her fine, blonde hair fell from side to side and into her eyes.  In the next moment she was gone again, engrossed in her next tale of toys.
But soon her older brother appeared and he jumped into my lap, asking for a hug and saying, “I love you, Mommy.” “You have stinky breath”.  “From the coffee I need to keep up with you, my buddy!”, I thought.
He lay down, over my legs, too long for his sideways position in the chair and looked up at me.  I gazed back into his hazel eyes, the ones I have known for over 5 and half years, and I remembered how I nursed him many a time in that very chair.  My mind drifted back to when he had the softest, fuzzy hair and chubbiest toes that dug into my opposite arm while he drank…
But the moment broke as he jumped back up to go find his big brother, some Legos or a snack.  I felt my chest expand and relax with a long sigh of how that time had passed so fast.  From those nursing days to the present ones of Kindergarten.
It was not long before his older brother showed up, asking me a question and at the same time I was about to ask for a hug, he came to sit on my knee.  Here, my very first baby, so close to nine years, simply getting too old, too fast.  I looked into his face and saw very little baby anymore.  Like in a day, it just vanished. 
Right now, my heart already feels the push and pull between us.  His independence, versus my wanting to keep him my baby.  His attitude.  And mine back. 
But before I could think too long on it all, the three of them were there, hugging, tackling, laughing, full of silly.  All four of us somehow piling on this now way-too-small chair, me smiling so big inside and out.  
My three babies, with me in the same chair where I had rocked and nursed and fed and felt the softness of their cheeks with my fingers while they drifted off to sleep.  It is one of the only pieces of furniture that remains from the baby days.  Almost every things else is gone. 
And right then, in that moment, I felt it.
My Period.
It was here.
For sure.
The end.  Done.
Three beautiful children, just as I had always dreamed.

an older pic but one of my faves… 

Comments

  3. oh, squeeze ’em out, mama. how they fly, those moments. squeeze all the sweet right out and savor it — good to the last drop, just like that coffee.
    i am with you in that season, watching them change. maybe we live it best by loving well today and finding that spirit of discovery for what tomorrow holds? just guessing, but that’s where i find peace.
    love your words. and the way you savor them. beautiful.

  6. I love this post. So beautiful. I feel that tug in my heart when I look at/watch my babies who are no longer babies. I loved those ages and stages. Yet, I adore what they’ve become. What is with that baby hunger that attacks when you’re least expecting it? My baby isn’t even a year yet and that yearning for a tiny one ambushed me just a couple days ago anyways. 🙂

  9. Oh wow, Elaine… Can I just say that I am actually crying at work? This pulled at my heartstrings like you wouldn’t believe… sigh. Beautiful, beautiful post. It’s so bittersweet so quickly our babies grow… and how we remember them so well as babies… xoxo

  10. So lovely. I am currently going through this same exact thing. I wondered if maybe I’d be one of those ladies who still had an egg slip through… but it’s not gonna happen, and I’ll forever have my 3 here and one in heaven.

  14. What an absolutely beautiful post. I used to think I wanted 3 and I can still see how that dynamic would be great, but for many reasons it wasn’t meant to be for us. Love that you had that moment with them.

  15. This is just lovely Elaine. So sweet and honest. I will have the what if thoughts for a long time, assuming my body stays healthy. It is so weird to me that Ben is 2.5 and there is no baby on the way. We’ve never been in this place before. I’m still getting used to it.

  16. Tears.
    *sniff, sniff*
    I was (am) never able to put that period at the end of our sentence. My husband did though. Still, I sometimes secretly pray to God that He tells my husband that He has a different plan for us. MAYBE one more.
    But then there are the days that I am just LOVING where we are at as a family RIGHT NOW. And I know it is all in God’s hands, and He knows best.
    It just really does go too quickly.

    Beautiful post, Elaine.

  17. Beautiful post. Time seems to go far too quickly and I often find myself in this same mindset. This definitely tugged at my heart today.

  19. I love this. I am at that moment of wanting the fourth, having always expected there’d be four but now…

    I’m glad you got your three, that you have moments like these to be grateful for them, to enjoy them, watch them, remember them. It does seem like they were JUST BABIES and then just like that they know how to program electronics without directions.

  20. I love you, Elaine. I always wanted 3, but after IVF for the twins (as you know), I assumed it would never be. I always yearned to know what “just 1” was like…and we were blessed and Piper’s a miracle. I love our three. I mean, I love MY three and YOUR three. I love that we both have 3 blessings each…this is so lovely.

  21. It is a gift to get to feel that sense of completeness. I have it too, and am filled with gratitude. I’m baffled by why some people “get” that blessing and some are burdened with the struggle to accept a number that doesn’t seem right to them. Thanks for the reminder to be grateful.

  22. What a lovely read. I had also wanted three, but it wasn’t in the cards.

    I am extremely appreciative of my very healthy two. But that tug on the heart for what or who never ‘was’ … sometimes it surprises me.

  23. I felt the same way about four, exactly. And even once in a while, I feel that tug. But just like yours, mine are perfect and getting so old, so fast. I relate so so much and can feel the words come straight from your heart.

  25. This is so gorgeous. The wish held in our hearts is such a strong force
    So interesting the way we can be content and yet accepting of the surprises at the same time.

    I never got my 3..and the 2 I have are such an incredible gift.. That I feel like I should be just thankful but my heart wishes.

    This was just… Wow.. Just beautiful

  26. I so feel that way about 2 even though I did not birth the oldest (step-son). He is with us full-time so it is like he is my own and I always treat him that way. I always wanted just 2 but every once in a while I hold a newborn in my arms or gaze at a glowing pregnant woman and wonder if I am really done. Then, I hear my kids screaming at each other and I am good.

  29. This made me more weepy than you know. I always dreamed of three but due to complications with each of my girls’ pregnancies, I was told that I couldn’t have anymore. I had surgery too and every time my period is a bit late, my heart runs away with this crazy ideas. Then when it comes, I feel a bit of sadness but I look over at my girls and just like you I feel my family is complete.
    Beautiful post & that picture…so very sweet!!

  30. Very beautiful post, Elaine. I swear up and down that I am done, but I still think about nursing and rocking another baby. Don’t tell my husband.

  31. I know this. (But my tubes weren’t the ones tied if-ya-know-what-I-mean!). Though my number is two I feel the same way sometimes and have had what-if thoughts and then know we are exactly right. xoxo

  32. I have that number in my head but mine is 4 and I have 3. Our last baby we lost. I love how you describe the feeling of being completely okay with where you are, and I long for that. I keep reading posts about this lately. Hmmm, something about the New Year and people looking at their lives and their families? This was a lovely post and you have a lovely family! I’m so glad 3 is your number and you are right there with all the love!

  33. Beautiful observations and reflections, Elaine. Posts like this one tug at my mother heart because I know all too well the emotions surrounding choosing when not to have anymore children. My husband and I made our decision to be one and done official over the summer with his vasectomy. But as accepting as I’d grown to be of our decision, I still felt a stab of pain when we got word that it was done. It had taken… no more swimmers for him. And I know he did, too. There’s just something about the finality of it all when you know in your heart that your family is complete.

  35. This is so beautiful! Just in the last few months I’ve decided that I’m done – for sure two is my number. I’m ready for bigger kids and ready to move on from the toddler stage. If I could just keep them as tiny babies…sigh. You are so blessed with your three. I’m glad you feel so complete.