Let’s Get Real

My life as a mother is not perfect. Quite far from it actually.

As I type this my toddler is having a full on meltdown and at this point, is headed to bed over an hour early. Along with his older brother.

I don’t claim to be the perfect parent and I don’t ever think I have all the answers. Some days are better than others. Some days just plain suck.

Tim went out after we got home from our 7 hr. drive back from Austin to do the draft for his Fantasy Football. And I don’t begrudge him going (he ALWAYS acquiesces to me going out when I want/need to…) but it was just bad timing. The boys were just in a MOOD today and it was NOT a good one. Little G barely slept in the car and so therefore did not have a decent nap and The B Man… well, his attitude lately leaves A LOT to be desired, no matter what.

I bring all of this up because yes, I am happy and joyful and excited to be bringing another little person into this world, but sometimes my heart and my mind send each other mixed signals. And today?? I wonder if I can do it. I honestly wonder.

Each of my boys is going through something right now. The B Man’s I presume, has the most to do with starting school while living in still a fairly new town. And Little G’s, I’m guessing has mostly to do with being two. But put ’em together in a room with my tired, overly pregnant self and things can get a little rough.

Of course we have our times where things go well and we talk and laugh and kiss and hug and pray and read together. But we also have moments days where I want to run away screaming and not stop until I get back to Texas. We had about a bazillion of those today.

I feel I can’t control The B Man very well these days and most of his retorts come in the form of sass and grunts. I feel like I’ve failed in the manners department, in the “respect your parents” department. He used to not be like this and now, it hurts me to even look in his beautiful blue eyes sometimes because I feel like he’s just angry – at me, at his lot in life (oh the woes of a 5 yr old!!) and even with his father and brother. If he’s not upset with me for not letting him have his way, he’s upset with his brother for playing with the trains when HE felt he shouldn’t be or even mad about what’s for dinner. I know it all comes with the territory but it just beats you down after a while, you know?

And Little G is trying so hard to be his own little man already and it’s just hard on all of us. Especially him. He talks pretty well now, so I can usually understand him, except when he’s gotten himself in such a tizzy over something I consider SO very trivial and he has tears and snot running down his face and I just cannot understand him at all. Yeah, that’s hard. There’s been some changes for him lately too and since he starts school this week, they just seem to keep coming…

And of course, the BIG ONE that will happen in about 3.5 weeks when little sister gets here. Maybe they are really cluing into the fact that her arrival is imminent and this is all part of it too. But tell me. How am I supposed to take care of her properly when I’m already seemingly overwhelmed with my two guys? I just can’t foresee my sanity staying in tact.

Or maybe, just maybe she’ll help to calm us all down a bit. Like a little angel. I think we are all a tad on edge, just waiting for this to happen. I pray that is the case.

My C-Section is scheduled for Thursday, Oct. 1. That’s the day we’ll meet her and bring her into this “real” and imperfect family. I hope she’s ready. I hope we all are.