The Miss Elaine-ous Life

random acts of life, family and photos

“I’m Sorry”

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I said it too… A few months before my ex husband and I separated, a mother of one of my kids’ friends told me that she and her husband were divorcing. I stood in her living room and said those two or three words – “I’m sorry.”

However, part of me could tell she was not.

Earlier that day, as I brought her daughter back from a play date, the little one basically told me as much when she said, “Mommy is moving to a new house.” Immediately my marriage-in-trouble sensors spiked. I gently asked, “So what about your Daddy?” She quickly responded that he was going to stay in the same house and that she was excited about living in two houses.

During my apology to her mom I recall saying something about how I hate to see a marriage break up.

Of course at the time, I had no idea how, not far in the future, my marriage would implode as well.

 

Once I tell people my situation they often say “I’m sorry” to me. Perhaps sometimes they read my own facial expression, realizing I am not very sorry, since occasionally they follow up with “Or is this a good thing?” (or something close to that).

Sure, I hate this for my kids and I wish things could have turned out differently for my life and for their lives. But I am not sorry.

I am not sorry for the good times we had.

I am MOST definitely not sorry for the three beautiful children that came from the marriage.

I am not sorry for loving him at the times I did.

I am not sorry for trying or for not trying “harder”. (FTR, we both tried pretty damn hard, it just wasn’t meant to be for the long haul…)

I know what people mean when they say those words, and as I said, I’ve spoken them to people in a similar situation before myself. It’s a natural response. Anytime someone we know or care about is in pain of some kind, we usually express it by saying “sorry” in some way.

But I want to say this: don’t just be sorry. If someone is divorcing try not to say that. Instead, ask them how they are feeling or how you can help them get through this – whether it was their decision or the other person’s, they will need support. They will need a soft place to land.

People divorcing do not need pity. They need care.  They need extra kindness without judgement.

They need love, just like anyone else.

And honestly, divorcees go through many of the same stages of grief as someone who has lost a loved one. Like me, I lost a good friend in all of this. We were friends for 20 years, and though we can still get along, it is not the same.

So, for anyone you are close to going through this – bring them meals, pray for them, offer them your expertise in something you know about and they may not know how to do very well. Make sure they are doing self-care and surrounding themselves with others who will do those things for them as well.

Hearts break, but they also mend easier when love is constantly present, in some way.

 

In the meantime, I will do my best never to say “I’m sorry” again when someone tells me they are splitting up or divorcing. Funny how experience changes our perspective, huh?

And for goodness sakes, please don’t assume I am not happy. I AM happy. My life is actually happier. Is there still some tinges of pain? Sure, but I am good. I enjoy life and those I love and those who love me back. I am free from many things that were dragging me down and holding me back from being my true self so yes, I am quite happy.

Don’t be sorry. It will all work out in the end…

 

Elaine Courage

Comments

  2. I never thought of this in that way at all. I have said that to someone divorcing too and what I meant was that I am sorry the happiness you once had together didn’t last. It didn’t occur to me at all that it didn’t come across that way…. thanks for sharing this Elaine, I learned something important.

    I am so glad you are happy and that you feel free. That makes my heart happy for you!
    Kami recently posted…The Photos of Christmas PastMy Profile

    • Thank you, Kami. And it really is okay to say it, I guess I’m mostly saying, what ELSE can someone do for those of us going through it… I myself have been guilty of saying the words and then just moving on. You know? Anyway… thank you, so much. XOXO

  3. I say I’m sorry meaning “im sorry you are going through this process”. Because no matter the circumstances, it’s still hard and whether you initiate or the other person does, it’s not easy. Change never is. I am glad to hear that overall you are happy. You deserve that, my friend. You are an amazing lady and it’s a privilege to know you

    • Yes, that is true… the process is definitely something to be sorry for.

      You deserve it too my friend… thank you… Love you!

  6. Thank you for writing for this. I’m realizing how guilty I am of saying those words, but I will do better because of you!

    **You speak your truth + bring out the GOOD in people. I adore you for that! xo
    **And I’m glad that you’re feeling happy and strong. My goodness, you so deserve both. xo
    Galit Breen recently posted…6 Beautiful Ways To Raise A DreamerMy Profile

    • Thank you so much for this, Galit!

      And the truth is a powerful thing. I know you know that. 🙂

      XOXO

  7. I know I’ve said this, and I will be cognizant of it in the future. I hear the peace in your words, and I am happy to hear that.

  11. I too am guilty of saying “I’m sorry”, when what I really mean to say, and do once I’ve collected my thoughts is “How are you doing?” and “How are the kids doing?”. Life constantly brings change- and with it surprises. And I think many times when I come out with “I’m sorry”… I am really reacting to the surprise of the news I am hearing….

    Hugs to you. I’m glad to read that you are happy. You deserve it.

    • Like I said, it’s a natural response to say that. I wrote this post and I said it to a friend yesterday, NO LIE! ha! And yes, absolutely reacting to the surprise. And also, like Kirsten said, “sorry” you have to endure this. Because it is painful. My main point here is don’t just BE sorry. Help and support however you can.

  12. This is spot on for me. So many people have said “I’m sorry” when they hear I am divorced (or when I was in the process). What I needed them to say was “how can I help?” My perspective has changed quite a bit too!

  13. Hey hawt mama … love the pic … and great words.
    and then the words of that song … ‘whose sorry now’ begin to play 😉

  14. Oh Elaine, I fear I did use those words so many times before. Thank you- for offering us all this incredible insight, and for sharing with us that you ARE happy and doing well, despite the pain. That makes me so so happy.

    So I can’t do much from far away, although I can pray. I can be an ear if any time you want to just chat or pour your heart out. Both I am ALWAYS available to give.

    Please know that, okay? If you can think of anything else I can do to help, I would be grateful for the requests.
    Christine recently posted…Do You Have Mustard Seed Moments?My Profile

    • Oh Christine, you are the sweetest! Your words always help my heart. 🙂 I will reach out if need be. Thank you for the support you DO give, it means so much to me!! <3

  17. Beautifully said dear Elaine! I am not sorry in any way, shape, or form 😉
    My divorce set me free to be the woman God had originally called me to be!