The other day I went to Target to pick up a few a lot of things and I was alone (I KNOW!!) since my babysitter was hanging with the kiddos.
You know how it is when you go shopping alone (if you’re a parent), you’re just SO much more relaxed when the only person you have to make sure does not get run over in the busy parking lot is yourself and you can say “no” to the dollar section, again, only to yourself, without too much whining.
So, as I got out of my van there was another mother getting in her SUV right next to me, WITH kids. One of them was cwhining (that’s crying/whining to those who don’t know). I heard her yell, “Taylor, if you do not stop that RIGHT NOW… I told you you weren’t going to get anything today, when we walked in, now STOP IT! I mean it!!”
It sounded so harsh coming from her.
I kinda wanted to hug poor Taylor (a boy).
I kinda wanted to hug my absent kids too, you know why?
Because I’ve said the same thing to them. Or close anyway.
So I asked myself – how did it sound so much worse coming from her, to a kid I did not know, than coming from me to the kids I know REALLY well (and love lots)?
This is not the first time I have had this experience in my life. I’ve heard parents in restaurants or stores or even at parks say things to their kids that I know I have said before and even IN THAT TONE and thought, “poor little dude, did he really deserve to be spoken to that way?”
The thing is, with the kiddo outside Target, who knows how his mother got to that point. He could have been bugging her in the store for the entire shopping trip (I know how that goes). Or perhaps she was supposed to be there alone too and plans changed. Maybe she was home all week with her kids by herself while her husband traveled and she was about to meet whit’s end. Maybe she’s divorced and their Dad was supposed to have them instead. It is possible that the little guy already has 5 of the thing he wanted her to buy him.
More than likely she just knew she had to stand her ground and sometimes, as parents, that alone takes all of our energy and builds up enough frustration. I know how that goes too.
Even though, I started to re-think my own words while I shopped in the store by myself. I thought about how I could reword what she said to her son, when I speak to my own. I contemplated how I could make him realize, without yelling, that he just did not need that toy or whatever thing he had in his mind he must have. But then I thought better of it all and came to the conclusion that I didn’t have to convince him that he didn’t need it. I just had to make him know that it was not the end of the world if he did not get it this trip, or RIGHT now.
And I had to do it in a less harsh way.
So I replayed the scene in my head and decided that it could go either way.
Maybe it was the first day of my period (FTR, I would NEVER take all of my kids to Target solo on the first day of my period unless the world was coming to and end and I was out of tampons and yogurt tubes -which are NOT related in any way).
Or maybe life was all sunshine and roses and all the stars aligned correctly and the ONLY thing wrong with my day was a kid nagging me for another toy he would forget about the next day. How would I respond?
“No dear, I’m so sorry but you simply cannot have that today. Mommy is in a hurry and you do not need that toy since you already have so many. Now, if you could please sit down and buckle your seat belt so we could go I would be ever so grateful.”
And his response would be?
WHO IS THIS WOMAN AND WHY DID SOMEONE REPLACE MY MOTHER WITH HER?!?!?
At least I’m guessing that is what he would say.
But in all seriousness, I think it would be a nice change. But I ain’t no June Cleaver and more than likely those words, along with “cupcakes are yucky”, will never leave my mouth.
Here’s the deal. We’re gonna lose our cool with our kids. It happens to all of us and the best of us. Thing is, they can handle it. I would be willing to bet that Taylor was over his little fit within the next few minutes, and shortly after arriving home to his house full of things he’d already begged his mommy for at Target that she DID buy for him!
I decided that I am not perfect either, even on my best day and that neither is any mother. Sure, that mother’s words seemed harsh to me at the time, and gave me pause, which is a really good thing. And now that I have written about it, I am pretty sure that next time I am in this situation (and you can bet your bottom dollar I will be) I will choose my words and my tone more wisely.
Except maybe not if he is asking for another LEGO set. We certainly already have enough of those.
So true! We all lose our cool sometimes. We are all doing our best! xo
anna whiston-donaldson recently posted…Why I Stopped Sleeping with My Husband
If we never lost our cool, we’re not human and we’re lying to ourselves and the world. I have lost my cool, in private and in public (though less so the latter – I have almost bitten off my tongue before, gathering all my restraint). And I think you’re right – we can’t judge another parent for what they’re saying/ doing right there and then, because we don’t know how they got there. We’ve all done it. Being compassionate and giving ourselves pause, in reflecting on our own behavior, is a far better use of our time.
Alison recently posted…Through The Lens Thursday #36: Golden
We do all lose our cool, true! And I think it would be sobering to me to hear it happen with someone else. It doesn’t happen to me in public very much, but like you said, you were just in the parking lot. Definitely has happened to me!
I do love the tampons/yogurt tubes, unrelated but so related! I get that.
Tamara recently posted…Game Day Prep.
Admittedly, I’ve thought the same when I hear other parents yell at their kids (knowing full well I must sound like a monster to others too when I’ve done it in public). What it’s taught me is that even the most well meaning, think before you speak parent loses her cool. It’s also made me listen to myself and calm down easier so that even if I do fly off the handle, I can rein it in faster. I like to pretend that I’m on my own version of The Truman Show, that someone, somewhere can see/hear me and I don’t want the audience to hate me.
What?
Arnebya recently posted…Continuing – A Review of Anna Whiston-Donaldson’s #RareBird
I want to be the mom that never raises her voice and who doesn’t allow her own initial reactions to rule the day but that’s not always possible. I do take deep breaths, I’ll leave a room if I feel like I’m going to say something I shouldn’t or wouldn’t want said to me, but that’s a very romanticized way to live , especially with children who are experts with the cwhining. 😉
I’ll leave you with this, because of this post, I’ll quiet myself a lot quicker next time, I’ll imagine you in the next car wondering what the hell is wrong with me and I’ll shut it down, think about what I’m saying and try..(VERY HARD) to give my children my good, engaged, mommy voice.
XO (FTR you’re a really good mom, Elaine)
Kir recently posted…Love is Love (Guest Posting on BonBonBreak)
This has happened to me more times than I care to admit. I’m always so offended for the child, and then I feel so bad that it is probably the same thing I would have done. Just try to do better, every day. That’s all we can do.
Jennifer recently posted…Momma Can Cook – Carmelitas
You know, I often feel bad for other children being scolded than I do my own. I think it’s because they aren’t ours and have done nothing to piss us off so it’s hard to understand why THAT mom is so angry!
I wrote a little about not judging another mom today too. As much as I pride myself on always giving people the benefit of the doubt, sometimes my initial reaction is a little judgy.
Jennifer Hall recently posted…Ask Jen: On Motherhood, Caregiving and Time Off
I was just in Target today trying not to lose my cool with my youngest who wants EVERYTHING!!!!! We all lose our cool sometimes – it just means we are human.
Lisa @ The Golden Spoons recently posted…Don’t Cry Over Summer’s End
Yes, we all get harsh sometimes. As mothers, as wives, as siblings and as children to our own parents. It’s incredibly hard to stop yourself in that moment, calm yourself down and choose to keep a level tone. Not that it shouldn’t be done, but it’s really hard. (This has actually been a work in progress for me for more than a year now. These days losing my cool is also often accompanied with an apology for how I spoke. Who knows if it is helping…)
Leslie recently posted…{WGS Philly} The Hangover
Holy Heck that’s a lot of legos lol. Yep – I think we are all “That Mom” at times. Not our finest moments. I hope my kids give me the same that I give them when they are whining too. xoxo
tracy recently posted…Kindergarten
I love your insights – and I had a similar experience the other day – at the grocery store… my toddler MELTED at the checkout line. He HAD to have M&Ms… HAD TO HAVE THEM… I had been at work all day, I was tired – I TRIED to reason (but we all know how that goes) – so I bought him the damn M&Ms… (they tasted really good later on)… the cashier looked at me when I handed them to her – AND SHE SHOOK HER HEAD AT ME. I was SHOCKED – I gave her a look of “OH NO YOU DID NOT JUST SHAKE YOUR HEAD AT ME, LADY! ” – if buying M&Ms for my kid is the worst thing I do – then I think I am OK. Sometimes we do less than stellar things… – raising our voice, buy candy – or don’t buy candy… and in the end our kids learn to survive those moods too! THANKS FOR SHARING your story!
Tove M Stakkestad recently posted…Pen > Paper > Heart: Letter to a C-Section Mom
It’s so easy to say “She’s such a crab” when witnessing a mom lose her cool in public. I hope that when I lose it (and I still do) there’s another mom nearby who gives me the grace that you gave this other fellow mom. Great insight Elaine!
Andrea recently posted…Rare Bird: A Memoir of Loss and Love – A Review