I’m not gonna lie.
Becoming a parent was hard. And I’m not just talking about the delivery part (although for me that was fairly tumultuous…). I’m mostly talking about the “Oh NO! – WHAT THE FRACK* did I do to my life and how am I completely responsible for this human being???” part.
It was a rough transition for me. I took some “drugs” (the legal kind). I felt better. After a while…
And I’ll be even MORE honest. It was not that hard for me to drop my first baby off at the in-home daycare the first day I had to go back to work after 3 months had passed. I TRIED to force tears come out of my eyes (true story) but they just didn’t. They couldn’t. I was glad to be going back to work. I NEEDED (craved) the adult interaction that I knew was waiting for me there.
It was essential to my “WHAT THE FRACK??” feelings.
EEE-ssential.
It was a big life change for me, having a baby.
I wanted one. I always knew I did. In my heart I always wanted to be a mother. Always. But when the day came that I became one, things changed so, SO MUCH. My heart changed. My mind changed. My love for my husband changed (in a good way) and even my body changed.
But what really changed is that I wasn’t just living for ME anymore. I was living for someone else. I was living for him. As time went on and those not-so-good feelings passed, I got back to being myself again and I got to know my son. It took a while but then I realized how important his life was to my own and how being thrust into parenting (even if planned, it’s still “thrusting” in my opinion) is really the right way to go, even if it is tough at times.
I’m not sure why I’m sharing all this now. I guess it’s just been on my mind lately as I think about how much my children have helped me to grow as a person. These days, I couldn’t have even fathomed leaving K at a day care (not saying that there’s anything wrong with that, I just feel blessed that for our family, I didn’t have/need to…) or NOT being the mother to these three beautiful, amazing human beings.
I’m just in awe when I sit and think back at what an amateur parent I was, and how much learning, experiencing and living you have to do to even get to the point I am now. And my kids are still young! There’s still so much to learn and in store for them and even me, as a parent.
And I’m also so happy to be at the point where I can look forward into the future and never look back with regret…
And on a side note… This same child that made me a mother almost 7 years ago started riding his bike without training wheels AND lost both of his top teeth all in the last week. Hold me.
*Thanks to my friend Bari for this word! he he…
Oh.my.gawd. I have a picture just like that, though I didn’t have to (need to) leave mine to go back to work. But I look back on that woman and marvel at how far I’ve come…and then I wonder how I’m not that person anymore. Parenthood is life-changing, and not always in the ways you anticipate.
I appreciate your honesty so much. I’m sure many many moms do. Honesty is so good.
And it does get better. That’s something every new mom needs to know…if they’re struggling. And that’s what you said here. So thank you.
I was one of those boo-hooing moms leaving their baby (with my mom!) to go back to work. I can totally relate to how you felt though, because many are the days (now) that I long to drop my kids off and go to work, or go somewhere.
Me thinks I need a break…..
So glad you wrote such an honest look at motherhood! So many moms feel guilty for their feelings!! Look at that happy boy…he obviously survived just fine during those first rough months!
its amazing how its so different for everyone, the pregnancy part, the delivery part, the post-partum part. I just am so thankful that I have a group of amazing moms that have been on all sides of each of these. Cause I don’t know where I’m gonna land, but I know that it will be ok and I know that I can’t do it alone.
Sleep deprivation and hormones and all of that stuff will do crazy things to your brain. I think it happens to everyone in some way, shape, or form.
No judging here. I love breaks from my babies and I think you have to find a balance that makes you happy. I don’t think it’s weird that you’re thinking about this now. It’s normal to review what you’ve experienced before you set off forward!
Thanks for sharing – I share a lot of similarities to you here. When I had my son I thought I knew how it would be and what I wanted. But it changed me more than I thought it would. I also learned in the process that I needed and wanted to keep working too even though I thought I always wanted to be a SAHM. That may change someday of course. I love reading other’s real and honest thoughts on parenting and what works for them and how they’ve changed or stayed the same. It feels encouraging to know that there are other real life human moms out there!
Honestly I can say that I had trouble at first when I started taking the girls to school and leaving them. Now? I sooo enjoy and appreciate my time. And they need their time away from me. Sometimes I feel guilty for feeling this way, but I’ve been a SAHM for 5+ years now and they are growing their wings….soon it will be time for kindergarten! They are excited as am I. I can’t wait to watch them learn how to fly.
I think being a parent is going to be the most challenging, most rewarding thing I’ll ever do in my life. I’ve been completely overwhelmed (still am) by the enormity of being responsible for another person. But somehow you do it, and you do an okay job, and things are okay. And hopefully it gets easier. (it does, right?)
Oh, honey. We ALL feel that way. You’re just being honest about it. Also, my oldest is 14, youngest is 7…and my smile has been courtesy of anti-depressants for many, many years. God Bless Glaxo-Klein.
Parenting IS hard. I think it hits each of us differently, but finding the way back to being yourself as well as a mother is important. I can’t imagine my life without my son. It’s an amazing thing.
Parenting IS hard. I think it hits each of us differently, but finding the way back to being yourself as well as a mother is important. I can’t imagine my life without my son. It’s an amazing thing.
You have come so far and I admire your ability to recognize when you needed help. No judgment for that, just pure and utter admiration.
Becoming a parent is a journey, you just don’t “get” it when they hand you that bundle. At least I didn’t. Damn it, I am still waiting to get it. Maybe by they time my boys are parents I’ll have a grasp on it?
Nah.
It’s more fun this way.
if more women talked about it, we would all be amazed at how much baby blues and PPD there really is…I see it as a sign of strength when one reaches out to share these thoughts.
No manual for motherhood and let’s face it, some days it’s the last job I want to get up and do!!
Congrats on no training wheels -that is huge!
What a beautiful post! Thank you for being so open and honest. Staying home with my twins was never an option since I have the great insurance and salary, but it is interesting to think what it might have been like. Luckily, I have a “best of both worlds” job. I get to stay home in the summers and when I’m sick of the kids – being realistic, they are TEENAGERS – we all go back to school 🙂
ps-glad I could share such an awesome word 🙂 I can’t take credit, though, that goes to Battlestar Galactica. In the original series, it was spelled as you spell it, with the “ck”, but in the newer series, it was changed to FRAK (and my preferred spelling) to maintain its integrity as a 4 letter word. A little Monday trivia for you 🙂
Love you!
Yep! My life in a nutshell with Connor except I didn’t have the anti-depressants and probably should have! I am not a pill taker but looking back should have broken my rule for the post-partum part of my life! I was also the Mom that didn’t want to leave him for a second! It made me so nervous that something was going to happen to him, even though he was with my parents! See, needed drugs! However, when I did go back to work part time at night it was the best thing I did for me! He was a HORRIBLE sleeper and it gave me time to reconnect with myself and know that he was in good hands! Certainly a part of life that I don’t want to repeat! Well, him being a baby, OK, but NOT the baby blues part!!!!!
Yes, it IS craxy how MUCH motherhood changes us. I think for the better. We become less selfish, more patient and evertything in life comes into perspective. I’m so glad I became a mom, even though like you said there were so VERY hard days. especially in the beginning!
Six years later and I still don’t know what I’m doing.
Your honesty is why you are one of my always read and never miss blogs! It’s so easy to write what we think others expect to hear but I applaud your risk taking. Parenting is tough and we all need to be honest so that we can help and encourage one another. Thank you for encouraging me!!! Oh and for the record I think you are one awesome momma!!
Me too! I tell people all the time that my hardest transition was none to one. I was not prepared to be a mother at all. It didn’t help that we didn’t plan it and we had all of those emotions to deal with too. I was happy to go back to work when Taylor (using real names now) was 3 months old. I loved my job and I loved feeling like my old self a little bit. But, by the time Travis was laid off when Lily was a baby, the thought of going back to work freaked me out. I’m not doing the best job I can being a stay-home mom, but I know it is where I need to be. I can’t even remember who the person was that had that first child compared to me now. Travis thought I was on the verge of a breakdown when we had Taylor and maybe I was. Switching to formula and going back to work made a huge difference for me. So did finding friends who were in the same place as we were. We have been SO BLESSED by our community and how it is has helped us grow into who we are now. Really, so blessed.
Thanks for sharing Elaine!
It is important for people to realize that parenting is not all roses! I had a rough go after my first baby was born. I worked (and still do) full time so At 3 months it was off to daycare. I cried the first day just because it was scary for someone else to take care of him, not because I wanted to stay home with him! I need the adult interaction. I need to work. My brain leans toward the anxious side of life and my work helps me balance myself as a person. It was harder to take my daughter because I felt I had the hang of things by then. I’m pretty sure everyone has their own unique experience and it is good to recogonize all of opur feelings, te good, thw bad and especially the ugly!!
It is a journey, isn’t it? No one could possibly explain what it does to you. It is unfathomable. Crazy.
Woot woot!!!! What a big boy! A bike with no training wheels is a BIG DEAL!!!! It’s official. He is now a BIG BOY! And yeah for the teeth too. That one always makes me weepy though. Take lots of pics of his toothless smile! 🙂
Even though I didn’t go back to work after Emma was born, I can still say a hearty HELL YES to this post. I still question why I decided to become a SAHM some days. I miss adult interaction. Like, bad. I wonder if I should be back at work.
For now, I’m mostly happy where I’m at.
But ask me in a week … I might not be quite as happy, because you hit the nail on the head. Parenting is hard. And it totally sucks sometimes.
Oh golly, YES! Parenting aint for whimps. I too have grown a lot, but I’ve been going through a major phase of questioning myself so much lately. No matter how much people tell us what to expect as mothers, it really is impossible to fathom it until we’re actually in those shoes. It’s so much better AND worse than we could ever imagine.
yeah, being a parent is one of the hardest things…and i miss the old “prekid” days sometimes…but honestly, I don’t think I would change one little thing. the rewards are just too wonderful 🙂