The weeks leading up to my brother-in-law taking his own life were strange to say the least. In that time my husband had a premonition-like dream about his brother. And then the very next day my brother-in-law called him. They had not spoken in months. Shortly after that Tim and his brother were able to see each other and reconcile differences and hang out. Exactly a week later, he was gone.
I am thankful that my husband and his brother were able to be together in person before we were awaken in the middle of the night by a phone call from my mother-in-law. Another strange part? After I did not get to the phone in time to answer it and she left a message, I could hear it in her voice. I knew my BIL was gone. I cannot tell you exactly how, but in that moment I felt it and I knew it.
I have mentioned before that Brian and I were not very close. I hardly knew him in the knowing-what-was-in-his-heart sense. What I know now is that he was in a much worse place than any of us could fathom.
In the wake of the death of Robin Williams I am angry. No, my brother-in-law was not a famous actor. No one in Hollywood knew his name. No he did not make profound statements in regards to mental illness and no his face was not recognized by millions.
BUT. He was ours and he was a huge part of his community in Dallas and he was brilliant in his own right. He had so much to offer in his own way. With his own talents and wit and the love that he did know how to show.
I was on Facebook and then Twitter in the early evening when word began to spread like wildfire about Williams’ death. I saw so many tweets and even wrote one of my own. SO many posts on Facebook about a brillant man, an amazing soul gone too soon. And then I got a little bitter and thought, “Don’t they know about my BIL??? I wish SO many people could understand how amazing he was too. No, he wasn’t famous but he was worth it. His LIFE was worth it. And is he also gone way too soon.”
I wanted to shout it from the rooftops that this happens to people EVERY day. That this mean, shitty thing called depression takes lives EVERY day. And why are we sitting back silent until it happens to someone famous? Why aren’t we doing more? And I do believe more should be done, I do.
But I also think this: We can never truly know what is going on in the heart and mind of another person. We cannot know their own depth of despair. ALL we can do is be there for them, try to make sure they get the help they need. But no matter how famous, how rich or how “okay” they may appear, we just cannot truly know.
Obviously Robin Williams was in so much pain that he saw no other way out. I believe that is what happened to my BIL too. He just wanted it to STOP. Even though I could never fathom taking my own life, I get wanting the pain to be GONE. I do.
What I DO NOT get is the criticism. Claims that suicide is “selfish” and that people can easily get over severe depression and even addiction. Again, you have not walked in this person’s shoes. And why, when so many are hurting afterward do people feel the need to say things like that? It only adds to the hurt. Perhaps it is a bit selfish to take yourself out of the game of life but I do selfish things every day. Someone who takes their own life is not in their right mind. And no, they probably were NOT thinking about YOU when all they wanted was to put an end to their despair.
Is what happened last week terribly tragic? Of course. And so is was happened the first week in June, to someone I cared about. To someone in MY family. Both losses are painful and made me scared and left wondering why. Both human beings have changed the lives of those around them forever. ALL the losses that happen for this reason are equally devastating and needless.
I just really want everyone to know how the loss of my BIL is just as important. That every single human being who takes their own life is just as meaningful. And oh how I wish we could have made them see how worth it they really were. How sticking around could have been better.
RIP Brian Alguire
RIP Robin Williams
RIP ALL the others we have lost…
If you or someone you love needs help… National Suicide Prevention Lifeline – In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255
Elaine,
Thank you for this perspective. I heard Michael Berry (talk radio) say the same thing the other day. There are so many people each day that feel they can’t go on, for many reasons. Robin Williams was famous, but no more loved than all the rest who suffer so much, they want to escape the pain.
Maybe RW’s death will bring compassion where it’s needed.
It’s hard to understand what would push a person to that edge, so unless you’ve been (almost) there, you won’t have the compassion or understanding that is needed.
But, by those who’ve walked down that road, sharing their stories, maybe people can get a better glimpse.
I’m sorry your family lost a brother and son. I can’t say that enough.
Debbie recently posted…A Sneak Peek – Sort Of
Thank you Debbie, for all your kind words. And yes, it is hard to understand, like so many things lately…
I know how much you and Tim are still hurting over the loss of Brian. I cannot fathom the depth of grief when someone in your family goes too soon, so suddenly, and I hope I never have to. I too, feel that those ‘calling out’ suicide as selfish, could better use their voices and platforms to encourage people suffering from mental illnesses, or who know someone who does, to reach out. If all of us treat each other with compassion and kindness, instead of judginess, the world would surely be a better place.
Thank you for sharing your heart. xo
Alison recently posted…Through The Lens Thursday #33: Lemon
I hope you never have to either, Alison.
Compassion and kindness, yes, we definitely need more of those in our world these days…
xo
So many people have been lost to this. My cousin’s husband committed suicide several years ago. It was a shock to our entire family. It does hurt when it seems like one person gets more attention than another, but hopefully it will bright to light the pain and suffering of all of us, and maybe, just maybe, things will improve.
Jennifer recently posted…Take It Back
We can only hope! I’m so sorry for the loss of your cousin’s husband too…
“They were probably not thinking about YOU…” Yes, exactly. People have no room to judge another person. They can not possibly know anything about what that person is thinking/feeling/going through. And yes, every single person, including your brother in law and Robin Williams, are important. Every single one.
Greta @gfunkified recently posted…Through the Lens Thursday: Lemon
I really do believe that too. No one knows what is really inside my head and heart, or yours.
Thank you, Greta…
I am so sorry for your loss. Seeing all the reactions to Robin Williams’ suicide are probably bringing up so much for you and your family right now. And I truly can’t understand people that judge and criticize and say such hurtful things. You are right both their lives and the lives of people hurting everywhere matter. THank you for sharing your family’s story. Wishing you all peace and love.
Angela@JumpingWithMyFingersCrossed recently posted…Anonymous & What I Know For Sure
That was it, Angela, it brought so many feelings up again…
Thank you so much for your kind words, my friend. xo
I don’t get the criticism either, and I hate that a byproduct of this social media age is that the criticism spreads almost as fast as the news itself.
Your BIL WAS someone. Everyone’s life is worth something, everyone is worth saving and remembering. xoxo
Leigh Ann recently posted…some stuff: Robin Williams and depression
Oh gosh, I hate that part too, Leigh Ann! Good point… the spreading of the criticism. If only that could stop. But I don’t see it happening any time soon.
He was awesome. Thank you.
Every life matters, that’s all there is to it. And every life matters the same, no matter if someone was famous or not. We all need to keep talking about it, until every single person believes they matter.
Love to you. xoxox
Kerstin @ Auer Life recently posted…Coming Out
Yes, we do need to keep talking, I agree. With everyone you said. 🙂
Love back.
I’m so very sorry for your loss Elaine. My sister-in-law committed suicide twelve years ago and it still hurts as much today as it did then. I just published a post saying goodbye to Robin Williams but couldn’t bring myself to talk about my SIL. Maybe I should have shared her story but it’s just too personal. I agree that Robin was no more loved than your BIL or my SIL and all three deaths were equally tragic and preventable given the right help. The difference with Robin is that his death brings a pulbic spotlight to the issue of depression and mental illness and, hopefully, will spark real discussion that will save the lives of others. We can only hope…
Kathy recently posted…Goodbye Mr. Williams
That is a REALLY good point, Kathy, and I agree that such a public figure does help bring awareness and that IS a good thing. I just had THESE feelings right away and had to get them out. I’m so sorry too, about the loss of your SIL. Much love to you…
Every single life is precious. Every. One.
I’m so very sorry for you. I lost my brother to suicide, as well as my twin [Leukemia]. The oddest thing is going to the supermarket. How can no one know? How can you be in so much pain, and the world revolves like they never existed. When someone says “how are you?” what do you say? While our families may not get the recognition of our loss, we also do not receive the unbelievable unkindess that stalks the famous. Small consolation, but it simply is. Again – so very sorry you have to know what this feels like.
I’m so glad you shared this story and reminded everyone of the struggles of others. The big thing about Robin Williams is that I hope it opens up the conversation so that people like Brian (and Robin Williams and me and whoever else) don’t have to struggle alone quite as much.
Robin @ Farewell, Stranger recently posted…Robin Williams, Suicide and the Effect on Others
I completely agree, Robin, about opening the conversations. These were just my immediate feelings when this happened last week. But that is So important and perhaps one good thing that comes from such a horrible loss.
xo
I’ve had many people in my life deal with (and are dealing with) depression. I spent much of my high school evenings on the phone with a very good friend of mine trying to convince her that the world is better with her in it. That is the thing about depression. I think the person IS actually thinking of their family and friends. It seems to me (at least with the people I’ve talked with) that they think their loved ones are better off without them. They know their depression affects those they love. They feel like a burden. That is why so many with depression try to hide it or deal with it themselves. It is an awful, awful disease.
I think the most important thing for people with depression to hear is that they CAN get help. And it WILL get better. The drugs aren’t perfect and sometimes it take too long to find the ones that work but it DOES happen. My very good friend suffered for far too long dealing with different meds and side affects and being institutionalized. She even had shock treatment. Twice. It was hell on her and her family. But now. She has been completely stable for YEARS. Over a decade. She has a job she loves, a wonderful husband, and a beautiful son. She is so happy. And every time (literally every time) I talk to her I just want to cry and tell her how proud I am of her for fighting. She fought for so long and never imagined her life could be so good.
Man. I just went off on a tangent here. Sorry. It is obviously a subject close to my heart. And I understand your pain. Your anger. I think the more we talk about it the better it will get. I hope. HOPE.
Kat recently posted…FIVE
That’s an interesting point to make, Kat, that some are thinking about others and that their loved ones lives would be better off if they were gone… man, I cannot imagine… but I’m sure it’s true in some cases. 🙁
I’m so glad to hear the success story of your friend though! That is wonderful!!
And I hope too….
xo
Wow, Elaine. What an important and difficult topic to share. Yes, every soul matters. I’m so sorry for this loss in your family.
Nina recently posted…Theme For Today Is The Last
Thank you, Nina. And yes, definitely important…
Everyone needs to keep talking about this. Everyone. Thank you for writing this hard piece. And my heart continues to go out to you and your family, my love. xo
tracy recently posted…WIN Tickets To The Minnesota State Fair #GoPhone
I agree, Tracy. And thank you, my dear friend.
My heart breaks for your and your family and for everyone who knew and loved Brian. Every life matters. Every life is important and valuable. A friend of mine committed suicide when we were seniors in high school and I was so angry at the people who were judging him even in death. People that did not even truly know him calling him selfish and weak for giving up.
Robbie recently posted…She Should Be Here
Oh yes, the “giving up” thing really gets me too… I’m so sorry about your friend. Thank you for your kind words…
Yes, thank you for writing this. I thought a lot about you and two other friends (one whose husband took his own life and one whose father did) when the news was all about Robin Williams. Every life is indeed precious, as Susan said up there. xoxo
Melisa recently posted…Current Fascination: Tiny Houses
Thank you for reading, my friend. I’m so sorry about those you’ve lost in your life too… 🙁
This is a really, really, really good post.
I think people say it’s selfish because they are angry. I was angry.
But you expressed this so beautifully and it helps me to get another view.
Lady Jennie recently posted…Why do you read A Lady in France?