Harder than it has to be…

I wrote this post a few months ago, you’ll notice my reference to Spring Break.  Since then things have improved quite a bit.  They are not perfect, but they are better.  It may be because I’ve asked for help with this, in both prayer and to friends and in things I have read.  But this was my struggle a few months ago and I still feel the need to share it here, mostly because I don’t want anything in my Motherhood journey to be undiscovered, good or bad… 

 

 

“Uh oh,” she said.

I looked over and my oldest child was hollering at his younger brother, clearly upset while my younger son was running around like a lunatic, laughing.

And so is the way much of the time with them.  We were at our neighbors, playing for only a few minutes and somehow a plastic golf club make contact from my younger son’s hand to my older son’s chest.  Meltdowns and forced “I’m sorry”s and “I didn’t mean to”s are part of our every day.

I love my kids equally but I cannot lie and say one of them is not more of a challenge.  He just is.  I’m not completely sure why.  We are working on figuring it out.  At least I think we are.

Parenting is hard, especially when you have a child that frustrates the hell out of you a lot of the time but then snuggles into you at night, before bed, telling you how much he loves you.  And how cute you are.

There’s some sort of line between real and manipulation and WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON HERE? that I have yet to navigate very well.  It’s not a straight line, that is for sure.  It’s filled with twists and turns and faults.  Some of them my own.

Anxiety.  So far that is what we know.  That he has anxiety.  And I am pretty sure I have anxiety OVER his anxiety.  I just never know how things are going to go.  I am always on alert.  It’s exhausting.

His brother says, “why do I have to have a brother like that?”  “Why does he have to be that way, Mom?”  I don’t have the answers.

Does all of this sound bad? Does it sound like I am making my son sound bad?  I do not mean to.  He is a good kid.  He’s smart and can be sweet, if he so chooses.  That choice is fairly rare.  I do my best to see the good in him every day.  I try to give him extra kisses and love and tell him that I love him so much.

But I also just have to keep it real.  I just have to wonder why too.  What is different about him that makes him so?

 

After this long day with all the kids around me (during Spring Break) Tim came home I went to the grocery store to get some needed items.  I was happy to drive away in my crumb-laden mini van with just me and my thoughts.  I gathered the things I knew my children would want as I strolled down the familiar aisles.  I said a silent prayer that I would feel better after I got home.  Just a little break from their constant going and little bickering and my thoughts of “can’t you all just get along?”

I wanted to feel for a few minutes like I was standing stable on my own two feet again and clear my head a bit.  In the midst of the produce section I gained a bit of perspective.  I reminded myself that my oldest child is somewhat sensitive, especially where his brother is concerned.  And so am I, frankly.   Little things seem to set me off too much these days.  I’m trying to “let go” more and stay calm.  Some days that is harder than others.

I also told myself that I am doing the best I can.  Aren’t we all?  I have probably typed that on this blog a few times before but as my motherhood journey continues it is still a good reminder, for all of us actually.

Breathe in, breathe out.  Enjoy the little, sweet moments.  Laugh more.  Play music.  Dance.

Try NOT to take myself or even the kids so dang seriously.

Seriously!

I feel like I am making it harder than it has to be.

That part of the change is in me.

But I’m not quite sure where to start.

And  I know I am only a part of the equation.

Sometimes I feel like I am drowning.   Just as I get my head above water and seem to catch my breath my head is pushed under again.

I need something, anything to help me stay afloat.