I wrote this post a few months ago, you’ll notice my reference to Spring Break. Since then things have improved quite a bit. They are not perfect, but they are better. It may be because I’ve asked for help with this, in both prayer and to friends and in things I have read. But this was my struggle a few months ago and I still feel the need to share it here, mostly because I don’t want anything in my Motherhood journey to be undiscovered, good or bad…
“Uh oh,” she said.
I looked over and my oldest child was hollering at his younger brother, clearly upset while my younger son was running around like a lunatic, laughing.
And so is the way much of the time with them. We were at our neighbors, playing for only a few minutes and somehow a plastic golf club make contact from my younger son’s hand to my older son’s chest. Meltdowns and forced “I’m sorry”s and “I didn’t mean to”s are part of our every day.
I love my kids equally but I cannot lie and say one of them is not more of a challenge. He just is. I’m not completely sure why. We are working on figuring it out. At least I think we are.
Parenting is hard, especially when you have a child that frustrates the hell out of you a lot of the time but then snuggles into you at night, before bed, telling you how much he loves you. And how cute you are.
There’s some sort of line between real and manipulation and WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON HERE? that I have yet to navigate very well. It’s not a straight line, that is for sure. It’s filled with twists and turns and faults. Some of them my own.
Anxiety. So far that is what we know. That he has anxiety. And I am pretty sure I have anxiety OVER his anxiety. I just never know how things are going to go. I am always on alert. It’s exhausting.
His brother says, “why do I have to have a brother like that?” “Why does he have to be that way, Mom?” I don’t have the answers.
Does all of this sound bad? Does it sound like I am making my son sound bad? I do not mean to. He is a good kid. He’s smart and can be sweet, if he so chooses. That choice is fairly rare. I do my best to see the good in him every day. I try to give him extra kisses and love and tell him that I love him so much.
But I also just have to keep it real. I just have to wonder why too. What is different about him that makes him so?
After this long day with all the kids around me (during Spring Break) Tim came home I went to the grocery store to get some needed items. I was happy to drive away in my crumb-laden mini van with just me and my thoughts. I gathered the things I knew my children would want as I strolled down the familiar aisles. I said a silent prayer that I would feel better after I got home. Just a little break from their constant going and little bickering and my thoughts of “can’t you all just get along?”
I wanted to feel for a few minutes like I was standing stable on my own two feet again and clear my head a bit. In the midst of the produce section I gained a bit of perspective. I reminded myself that my oldest child is somewhat sensitive, especially where his brother is concerned. And so am I, frankly. Little things seem to set me off too much these days. I’m trying to “let go” more and stay calm. Some days that is harder than others.
I also told myself that I am doing the best I can. Aren’t we all? I have probably typed that on this blog a few times before but as my motherhood journey continues it is still a good reminder, for all of us actually.
Breathe in, breathe out. Enjoy the little, sweet moments. Laugh more. Play music. Dance.
Try NOT to take myself or even the kids so dang seriously.
Seriously!
I feel like I am making it harder than it has to be.
That part of the change is in me.
But I’m not quite sure where to start.
And I know I am only a part of the equation.
Sometimes I feel like I am drowning. Just as I get my head above water and seem to catch my breath my head is pushed under again.
I need something, anything to help me stay afloat.
Oh, yes, this is so tough. And we worry. And we project into the future. I’ve been there before. I am there now. It’s going to be ok.
anna whiston-donaldson recently posted…Digging Deep in Turkey
Thank you, Anna. Your “it’s going to be ok” means a lot to me. xo
I don’t know if you’ve read my posts before or noticed my comments on IG about my fiery redhead but man, she seems like she’s a spitting image of your boy. I however have always said that I don’t love my children equally, because I love each one for something special about them. They are each unique in their own way and as much as that girl drives me insane, there is so much about her that I love so much. I know one day she is going to be fierce in this world of ours but sometimes I wish she’d hold off on that now! I feel like her brother and sister feel like your son as well sometimes. I find her twin trying to negotiate with her and give her things just so Lilah will stop being mean or throwing a fit. I hate to say it, but I’m so glad I’m not alone in this. I’ve asked myself before, “what did I do to deserve this” when it’s been a really rough day. I’ve told myself, “it’s just her & her personality” when I feel like I’ve done something wrong (I feel like if I have 2 out of 3 kids that don’t act like her that it cannot be solely because of my parenting. It is hard. You are not alone. Hugs! (P.S. I love the part you wrote about the “having anxiety over him having anxiety”….we don’t have any kind of diagnosis for our girl but I’m sure she probably has some anxiety issues and certainly has sensitivity to things but I totally have anxiety over her!)
Heather @ Life as we know it… recently posted…A whole hand old.
You make a good point about the 2/3 kids not acting that way. We ARE good parents. God just threw us an extra challenging one – ha!
I’m also reading a book called “The Highly Sensitive Child” by Elaine Aron – you might look into it and see if your girl has any of the characteristics. 🙂
Thank you for your comment…
I also could have written this subbing an older sister for one of the characters. Any books that see helping would be awesome to learn about. J
I am reading “The Highly Sensitive Child” by Elaine Aron, you might check it out!
I wish I could just hug you right now.
You might not know it by reading my FB posts or my blog, but my youngest is and was just like this.
When he was not even a year old, I truly wondered if I would live to see his teen years. Every single day of his little toddler years, I prayed for God to open my eyes and show me how to “see” this boy and tell me what to do with him, because I honestly didn’t know. I had the comments from relatives and people would say that it would get better. They were right. It did get better as he got older, but he still challenges me.
He’s the child that says “UP” when I say “DOWN”. He’s the one that asks my opinion and then goes the opposite direction. He’s the one that makes me wonder if he’s really going to love us and want to be at home, as long as his brother has been.
Yet, he has a tender heart and a good heart for those who are hurting. He’s smart and funny and makes me laugh every day. He’s well liked by parents and kids and never causes anyone any trouble. But, he pushes my buttons every day.
The problem is….I see a lot of myself in him. Yikes! God has a way of revealing that part of us that needs to be softened, doesn’t he?
So, I just take it a day at a time and I try to guide him when I butt heads with him. I want him to realize how his words, actions and tone of voice make me feel. Sometimes I pick my battles, so I’m not always griping at him, but sometimes we have to have words 🙂
I hope God puts his personality to good use one day and I can stand back and be amazed that we both survived 🙂
You will too.
Lots of love, my friend <3
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We butt heads A LOT, Debbie! We are both pretty stubborn. You should hear the silly arguments we’ve had! He is a sweet boy and funny and smart but so darn challenging at times.
It has gotten MUCH better in the last few months. We will be okay.
Thank you…
It doesn’t sound bad at all. I pray every day that my kids don’t get my anxiety. My father had bad anxiety and my mom knew when I was a baby that I did too – she could see. The thing is – I knew how to self-soothe. Sometimes that just takes time. Sometimes not. He’s a loved, beautiful child and he will grow and gain tools and so will you.
I know or I imagine how hard it can be. I have a kid in the terrible two’s so it’s still hard to say when or if he will grow out of that! I’m one of five… and.. I’ve seen it all in my siblings.
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Anxiety sucks. I have a bit of it myself and yes, it is definitely passed down!
It is amazing, isn’t how our kids can be so different from one another? I worry about my oldest. She is so super smart and wise for her age But, she doesn’t have many friends and she has weird quirks that I am beginning to think are anxiety related. However, I don’t have experience with anxiety myself, so I’m not sure. this motherhood gig is tough stuff. I think we worry so much because we love them so much and that is an admirable thing.
G doesn’t make friends easily either. He would rather be with his brother than anyone else and I think the friend thing stresses him even more… ugh.
Elaine honey, you are the best mom for G, and that is all. Trust in the process, in your faith, and in your love for each other.
I totally get all the feelings though, because my oldest is challenging, to say the least. But we have to take the bad with the good days, and just hope that every day is better, or least, that we get better at dealing with it all.
Hugs and love. xoxo
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I know he’s mine for good reason and thankfully the good days do outweigh the bad lately. 🙂
Thank you, my friend. xoxo
You are an amazing and patient and loving mother, and I know for sure that you’re doing the best you can do give G the best life has to offer. You know I struggle with anxiety, and I pray that I don’t pass it on to my son, but I can see that he has a little, too. Love you.
Thank you, sweet friend.
I think we all have that one child that is a challenge in one way or another and who makes us question if we have any idea at all what we’re doing or if we are good enough. But we are. Just the fact that we worry about being good enough shows that we care and that we are doing the best we can. My point? Just don’t feel isolated. I promise you are not alone in this.
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I KNOW I am not alone but in the moment, when it’s happening and we are “fighting” or struggling, it’s hard to realize that…
I get it. That one kid (or that one thing about each kid) that makes you wonder whether you’re a big fail. Oh wait, maybe that’s me. It is HARD raising kids, man.
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Definitely not a walk in the park. And if so, then a really hilly, hard to navigate sometimes park. 😉
Oh man. Thank you for this post. I think we all have a kid like that. The weird thing in my family is that they are all like that. Not all the time, but they take turns. I feel like I always have a problem child but it is always a different child. Just when I think one has grown out of it another takes over. And it is bizarre. Right now my Ben is in a horrible phase. God, I hope it is a phase. He can’t listen to save his soul. He is grumpy and nasty often. He does things to purposely piss people off. And that is really not like him. I’m just trying to wait it out. But honestly, I really do feel like I exacerbate the problem(s) often. I feel like my temper and my demands make the kids worse than they would be otherwise with a more calm and patient mommy. But I try my best. And I keep trying to improve. And like you said, that is all we can do. Just keep trying. Just keep letting them know that we love them. And pray to God that it is just a phase!!!!!
Great post, Elaine!
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I don’t think G is just in a phase, unfortunately, but I do think I have better tools now to help him deal with his “quirks” or whatever you want to call it…
Thanks for relating, my friend!
Hugs my friend you are a great job and doing the best you can. This parenting thing is hard and I hope you find some answers to why he is so difficult at times.
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