The Miss Elaine-ous Life

random acts of life, family and photos

Fight or Flight

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The warm cup of coffee sits before me and I think about all the things that would taste good with it.  Like a muffin or a scone.  Like a bowl of “cinnamon cereal”.  Just one small bowl.

And then the word “NO” pops into my head.  A HUGE fonted “NO” that screams at me, YOU CANNOT EAT THAT.

Late at night when everyone is asleep but me, and I plop in front of the t.v. to watch HGTV, I think about the bag of cheese puffs or “lightly” sugared popcorn and I know that if I get started I could eat half a bag.  Lately there has been a huge fonted “YES” at that time of the day.  And by lately, I mean for many months.

Bread in the form of an “egg in a basket” breakfast or simply staring at me from a basket on the table at a restaurant, saying, “Take me, I’m yours”.  Bread is so good.

Cookies and desserts.  Ice cream and chocolate, my ultimate weaknesses.

 

And then.  AND THEN.

I step on the scale or I see myself, naked in the mirror.  And I cry.

I cry for the past.  For when I had lost weight and had so much more will power.

All the weight is back.

ALL THE WEIGHT.  And on bad days, even a few more pounds.

I have neither the motivation nor enough “NO”s in my brain to control what has once again happened to my body.

What I have done to it.

I feel the extra weight.  It weighs on me in more ways than one.

I am hurt by it.  I am mad at it.  I am so pissed.

Also, I am pissed at my ankle that continues to hurt and you’re right, the extra weight does not help that either.

I’m pissed that I cannot “eat whatever I want”.

I’m pissed that my DNA isn’t different.

I am pissed that I cannot eat just one cookie.

Yep, totally pissed.

 

This is me right now (okay a few weeks ago).

 

IMG_1615

 

You can tell me you think I look great, you can tell me to do something about it, you can tell me that what the scale says doesn’t matter, as long as I am exercising and healthy, blah, blah, blah.

I get all that, I do.

I am not saying any of those things are wrong, I’m just tired of hearing them.

 

And everything I hear in my head, on a daily basis cancels ALL of that out.

 

And I don’t need anyone to fix this but me.

But that’s the hard part, I fight in my head EVERY DAY to know that I am fine, that I do eat fairly healthy and I DO keep moving but still…

It’s there.  That stupid number that makes me feel FAT.

The stupid mirror is there to make me feel worse.

 

So, why do I share this here?  Because I have to get it out of my head.  I have to let it free.  I have to stop having the same conversation with myself over and over again.

 

And I thought of something today.  I have to stop.  The only way to fix this is to choose flight instead of fight.  I have to stop fighting the voices in my head and fly over them instead.  And I must accept who I am or do something about it.  Those are my two choices.

So I’ve decided that I am going to do a little bit of both.  Accept myself when I do fail and believe in myself enough to make a change.

I can do this right?

I hope so.  I think I have to.

 

Linking up with Pour Your Heart Out.

Comments

  1. Oh, man. How I know this feeling right now. You are wonderful for calling yourself out on this, along with everyone who also feels this way. You can do it. I can do it. One big huge fonted “NO” to all the things that are bad for us, whether in our heads or past our lips. Fly right over them and change what we can, when we can. THANK YOU!!

    And PS: I think you’re beautiful. xo
    Andrea recently posted…Before and After: Gun Show EditionMy Profile

  3. Oh, girl! I could have written these exact words!! I have gained weight all summer despite my (weak) efforts to stop gaining. I am so tired of worrying about it and so tired of hating what I see in the mirror. I have spent years and years watching the scale going up and fighting to try and make it go back down. I hate going to the gym and resent that I am not one of the “naturally skinny girls.” I just joined a gym because I am at that point to – either accept it or DO SOMETHING. Hopefully, I can settle with a little bit of both, too.
    Lisa @ The Golden Spoons recently posted…School Year ResolutionsMy Profile

  5. I so hear you on this. I’ve been slacking off majorly since I started working full time in January. Exercise is usually the last thing on my mind when I get home from work. I’ve been trying very hard to get some in and have enjoyed my few walks but I know it’s not enough. I watch what I eat but I also don’t deprive myself!
    My only consolation is the fact that even though I am a few pounds heavier I am also healthier on the whole – 5 years ago I quit smoking and haven’t had a cigarette since. 🙂
    Susi recently posted…Today’s SnapshotMy Profile

    • Susi, that is awesome about quitting smoking! Kudos to you on that! And I feel healthy(ish) just too weighty. And I’m the same way, I don’t deprive myself, but probably to a fault… 😉

  6. This is me!!!!!! I’ve spent all summer in limbo, because we are S-L-O-W-L-Y relocating to Lake Charles. (It started June 17th, and we are waiting to close on our house) My body is out-of-control. And my mind is slipping in and out of being out-of-control. I finally had to accept this in-between and just breathe. Then repeat, the scale is just a number….the scale is just a number….

  7. I will tell you look great and I will tell you we are so very hard on ourselves, but girlfriend… all the weight I lost for Greece, I put a lot back on, too. I know exactly why; I stopped counting my calories, and I stopped going to the gym. And I hate myself for it. But I promise myself that I will not gain a pound more and I refuse to go back up a size, so back to working hard to lose it again. Good luck to you, mama.

    • Good Luck to you too, my friend. And please don’t hate yourself (even though I know that feeling well!) xoxo

  8. Yes, you can. And, your shift in how to go about it is a great way to go. Just try to not be so hard on yourself. Celebrate along the way with internal compliments to offset the inner critic. Fight back with those affirmations of what you are doing right, instead of what you didn’t.
    PS: You are lovely in every way. Inside and out. We’re still going to tell you anyway. 🙂
    Nicole @MTDLBlog recently posted…You Make My World a Better Place (Or, do you?)My Profile

  9. When I see you, I always see beautiful…I remember when you took our moving pictures…I walked away thinking if only I had the confidence she has and looked that good…I think you look great! Keep your chin up…you are beautiful and you have the biggest heart!

    • Wow Stephani, that means a lot to me, thank you for saying that. And I think you look great too! 😀

  10. So many of us are all too familiar with those ‘voices’. When we call ourselves fat or ugly whenever we look in the mirror. The reality is that you will do something about it when you’re really ready to. And when you are ready, you will fly right over all that self-criticism. I can’t tell you how many times I had to look in the mirror and cringe before or after a workout…but I immediately reminded myself that I was at least there doing something about it. And all those lovely things you talked about – the cookies, the bread, the chocolate – it’s never going to go away. You just have to figure out when you’re ready to be in control of it instead of it in control of you. Best of luck. I know you’ll do what you need to do! (P.S. – all I see in that picture is a beautiful face)
    Leslie recently posted…{Weigh in Wednesday} Week 87My Profile

  13. I’m not going to say all the things that you (and I) are oh so very tired of hearing. I’m just going to say, “I agree.” I so utterly and intimately know what you’re saying that I’d love to invite you inside my head where you could walk around and say to yourself, “yes this is so familiar. Yes this is so the same.” On some level I hate that I’ve lost the weight before. Not just that I’ve gained it all back and more but much more so because it makes me feel like I should be able to do it again. If I did it once it’s surely replicable, right? Yet, it isn’t. I started off 2014 so strong. I was going to lose 35-40 lbs. it was gonna be great! I lost 15. And then I stopped. And now I’ve gained back 7 of it and lost 2 of if and who even knows where I am other than not where I “should” or “want” to be.

    All of this is to say, I endlessly understand how you feel. I am always up for talking about how hard this and if somehow we could even motivate each other than all the better!
    Marta recently posted…The Tempest.My Profile

    • I know what you mean about losing it before. And now, it’s like this unattainable goal that I cannot even get started achieving again! And I keep making excuses. Those are REALLY easy to have in my head, all the time. I think we really just have to cut ourselves some slack. I am trying to do better but some days I slide… at this point I am doing the best I can. We both are.

      xo

  14. Oh Elaine, I know this place. I have been here for about a year, until this past spring. I was back up to my highest weight ever, all in my belly and as I have been completely inactive since having number 5, 6 years ago, I am also completely out of shape, in pain and have lost all the muscle mass that I did have.
    My doctor and I had chatted about it in the fall. We had agreed that it was time for me to do something about it, and about my life. Carving out something for myself, regaining some of my own identity. She chatted about action items with me and accountability. But I kept putting it off. Until March. Then my husband and I did an one month food challenge called the Whole 30. It was awesome, it eliminated my migraines, I lost 4 inches off of my waist and 15 pounds. And the best part was that I was so proud of myself for doing the entire 30 days. I did it. I felt accomplished. Then it was over and I backslid a bit, back into snacking at night, but mostly eating the same. But I wasn’t beating myself up so much when I ate crap. And that really helped me start each new day with healthy, nourishing food and a great attitude.
    This month we are back at it, and I am finally feeling like I am starting to get my energy back. I am still losing. I actually feel like exercising. I am finally feeling hope. I actually feel like I am starting to love myself and like my body. I am still very overweight and my tummy is still big. But I am starting to have a waist again and I love to feel it. I am starting to appreciate my body again.
    I am about to embark on a Healthy Body Challenge that will include exercise, a similar eating regimen and extra minerals and I am really excited. I finally feel that it is not helpless. Though I really do want a flippin’ chocolate bar!
    It will come for you again. You will find your hope and your desire. You will forgive yourself, and even realize that you don’t have to forgive yourself. It is food. It is not a moral choice, it is just food. And since it is food, you can make different choices. You do look beautiful and I love your body. I have always been jealous of women with bodies like yours. You don’t carry your weight around your waist! It is little! You will love your body again. You will remember that it is strong, that it created life, that it enables you do all the things you do. You will begin to nourish your insides with the food that it needs. This is not an end, you will find the path again.

    • Thank you for saying ALL of this, Kristen! And I’ve seen your pics on Instagram and thought, “Man that food looks good!” 😉 I could totally eat like that. But then I make excuses and buy crap “for my kids” (end up eating it myself too). Dumb, right?

      Thank you for the sweet and encouraging words about my body. It’s not too bad, just heavier than I would like it to be. And I was probably sucking in in that photo. I have a bit of a belly myself. 😉

      Thank you again… xoxo

  16. Elaine, I won’t give you platitudes or advice (because right now, I am totally unqualified to do that). Just know that many of us fight those voices, whatever our shape or size or weight. This is not to undermine what you feel, it’s to let you know that you’re not alone, and that whatever you choose to do about it, you have support and love. We love you. xo
    Alison recently posted…Through The Lens Thursday #35: TextureMy Profile

    • I know I am not alone. And part of me is so sorry about that. Just because I hate that so many of us go through this. I wish we could all just love ourselves.

      Thank you Alison… xo

  17. Yes, I know how you feel, and yes (for what it’s worth), I believe you can do it. I’m so frustrated with myself right now. I’m trying DietBet for the first time (just joined a game a few minutes ago!) this morning and I’m hoping the fact that I basically just BET on myself and my ability to lose a little weight in the next 28 days will give me a new source of motivation because I need to do something. And accept that whatever I end up doing is okay – I’m still a good mom!
    Katie E recently posted…An Interview with Reagan – August 2014My Profile

  18. Yep. I can more than relate to this. Ice cream is not my friend, even though we meet more than we should 🙂

    I am still trying to lose the weight from my last baby……….and he’s 15!! (I told you that kid was trouble!)

    The best plan I have ever come across was not a diet, but just a change. It was called ONE THING.

    You only changed ONE THING in your regular diet, such as eliminate one food that causes you trouble.
    The next week you might take sugar out of your coffee or just cut the amount in half.

    Whatever you chose to work on – only choose one thing at a time.

    Seriously, even though it doesn’t help much, we all feel dissatisfied about our weight and our bodies. Sometimes I just wish we could all accept what we grow into (within healthy boundaries, of course) because our minds would be so much more free to think on other things.

    I, for one, think you’re beautiful and I’m jealous of your hair, so there ya go 🙂

    Lots of love <3
    Debbie recently posted…Where Has the Time Gone?My Profile

    • Thank you Debbie, you are so sweet. And funny too. 😉

      I need to eliminate SUGAR. Like for real. But it’s so hard.

      And yes, more acceptance would help for sure. I’m trying that too..

      xoxo

  19. I hate that we(anyone) has to think about this. Hate it. I find a certain happiness in feeling good about where my body is and I totally get this. Wish I didn’t. I got your back, girl. Lean on me and friends – and you can do anything you set your mind to. You’re amazing and gorgeous and strong. xo
    tracy recently posted…My First Stitch Fix Was A Big #failMy Profile

  20. Our heads can be so harmful to our well being. Even knowing all the things you “should” do, it doesn’t make it any easier. I’ve been there with the loss of inches while I was in training, only to see it all come back when I had to stop running. It’s painful. Literally and figuratively. Big hugs. xoxo
    Leigh Ann recently posted…first day of first grade photo bonanzaMy Profile

    • Yep, I know that story too Leigh Ann. This all started really, when I couldn’t run because of my ankle. SUCKS.

      Thanks for the hugs. xo

  21. Pretty sure my picture would be next to yo-yo in the dictionary. Some days, weeks, months, (ok, years) I’m more motivated than others. Why is it always so easy to fall back into old habits? You can do this (if you want) or you can share another donut with me because I think you’re awesome no matter what.
    Poppy recently posted…Green Beans on the Grill for the Lazy GardenerMy Profile

    • I keep telling myself it’s because I’m getting older. That’s one of my prime excuses.

      Let’s fly together (or at least dance)!!

      xo

  23. Hi Elaine, first time commenter here. 😛 Speaking of firsts, I’m going to get this out of the way. You look wonderful. You don’t agree and you probably don’t care about my opinion, but I’m sharing that.

    I’m medically obese and roughly halfway between my highest ever and where my doctor would like me. The funny thing is, when I was at my smallest, I was just at the heavy end of the “normal” weight range for my height. And I thought I was fat then. 100 pounds heavier, I really was fat but didn’t see myself any differently. I only now how fat I was because I see pictures of myself and can physically see the difference in my face.

    So it really is all in your mind. I was unhappy with my body at 175 and I was unhappy with it at 280. I’m happy to not be 280 anymore but I’m not happy. I probably never will be. But I hope so.

    So keep doing you and focus on being happy with you are or happy with your efforts to get where you want. You’re probably more likely to get to happiness if you start with a happy attitude.
    Michael Lombardi recently posted…Writing, or: Laughable DreamsMy Profile

    • Thanks for chiming in Michael!

      And you’re right, it really IS mind over matter. And right now my mind is driving me crazy! Between what I said above and comparing myself to others in my head (pretty much constantly) it is really hard. I wish I could just shut off the thoughts.

      And yes, a good attitude goes a long way too. Sounds like you have one, good for you!

      Thanks again! 🙂

  24. I could give you all the advice in the world–but I don’t think you need it. You have got this. It is mind over matter–you are strong. I betcha something like Whole30 would seriously kick start you into a ton of great habits that would pay off big time. crap, there I go with advice. 🙂 You got this, just know that. You’re beautiful!
    Katie-LovesofLife recently posted…Under WaterMy Profile

  25. I SO get this, Elaine. I get pissed too, about everything you mentioned. Why CAN’T I enjoy myself, live my life the way I want to and still feel okay about myself and healthy?!
    Greta recently posted…Go Out and Play!My Profile

  26. I can tell you that I think you look fabulous, but I know the power of that inner voice- it cancels out what others say and makes us feel bad.

    I love that you are both accepting yourself and believing yourself. We should all show that kind of faith and love to ourselves. xo
    Shell recently posted…Finding Our People: Pour Your Heart OutMy Profile

  28. OH yes. YES, yes, yes.
    You know what it is? It is summertime. Who the heck has the time to squeeze in a workout with kids hanging on us every second of the day. It is impossible! NO time to work out. And then because we are surrounded by people all day long we treat ourselves at night. Nighttime is my nemesis. I do great all day because I don’t really have that much time to eat. AND I don’t really enjoy eating while I’m getting the kids’ lunch going, making and serving dinner and then rushing kids off to practices. But nighttime. It all hits at nighttime.

    And once you go off the wagon it is SO HARD to get back on. Man. It is just so hard to find that motivation.
    I had a bit of motivation with my 20 reunion. I actually lost about 10 pounds and was feeling pretty good about myself. Then my bff came to stay with me and she was SO SKINNY (actually pretty unhealthy skinny) that it made me feel like of whale-ish.

    I don’t know man. It is hard to find a middle ground. I know my body will never be the way it once was. And that is normal. And it is fine. But I want to feel comfortable. I want to feel like I look good in my clothes. But I also don’t want to have to deprive myself constantly either. That is no way to live. Life is about living. I just have to find a happy medium. And I need motivation.

    Good luck, girl. It is a struggle. And many of us are right there with you.
    Kat recently posted…NervesMy Profile

  29. Ah… you speak the heart of so SO many women, including me!! It’s so hard when we see how our bodies have changed and we KNOW we could be doing better. You are such a courageous woman to share that pic! And good for you for taking a bold step into action!

    This is the third comment I have left- because the other two didn’t go through probably because I left you a link to a post I think would help shift your perspective on this very thing. Reading yours, I am still fresh from turning 47 and I had one of those ‘AHA moments’ that really changed the way I look at my body.

    I won’t leave the link here- just the title of the post: “47 Years of Thankful” (something like that anyway! lol) I really hope it helps in some way…
    Chris Carter recently posted…A New Book To Buy! “How I Earned My Wrinkles: Musings on Marriage, Motherhood, and MenopauseMy Profile

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  1. […] am growing older I am realizing I must change my focus.  I posted about this recently with my own struggles with my weight.  If you read here regularly, you know this.  And by changing my focus, I am putting my lens on […]