Facebook: The Jerk You Hate to Love

I am pissed at Facebook. Because I think it is very responsible for people not reading my blogs anymore very much. I mean, think about it – back before Facebook really became a “thing” we had more time to read longer, better things. We were watching fewer videos and getting less huffy about “vaguebooking”. We had longer attentions spans. I blame FB for ruining our attention spans and kind of want to sue them for more adults having ADD. I do have an attorney now so… hmm…

Listen, we only have so many hours in the day. Now we spend them on Facebook, Instagram (guilty) and Snapchat (not guilty). For those of us who like to talk about ourselves (clearly I am in that club), it’s extra hard to keep people’s attention these days. So Facebook has become like that “guy” that we HAVE to hang out with but don’t really like. But, since he’s pretty popular and attractive, we end up wanting to spend time around him. We don’t WANT to like him, but we do. And so do all the other girls. He’s like a “bad boy”, with cigarettes and a flask full of liquor.

Plus, all these OTHER people want to be around him too, so then everyone is begging for his attention and his middle name is Algorithm, which has a shitty ring to it.

 

Sorry, Facebook Algorithm, but I kind of wish we were not “friends”. Unfortunately, you are pretty enticing. Even when you decide to make big personality changes and mess with our privacy settings, we still go along with what you have to say and follow you wherever you go.

I would say that I am going to “lose your number” and not contact you again but then I would have to lose a bunch of friends’ numbers too and we would not be able to talk as often. How in the world did you finagle this, you smart S.O.B.? And I could TOTALLY break up with you but if I ever wanted to contact you again then I would get sucked back into your crazy world full of bunnies-sleeping-in-wine-glasses videos and political conversations that debate the real color of Trump’s hair.

Then there are the groups cliques I find myself in. I wasn’t “cliquey” in high school so how did you make me this way as an adult? You’re a jerk. (Although I like a couple of my cliques groups a whole lot, but still…)

Also, those “memory” things that come up that you love to remind me about?? Yeah, some of them aren’t so fun anymore. And I know I can turn them off, except the ones of my babies are super cute. However, you also like to bring up things in the past that I don’t care to see again and that’s just rude. Since you’re a “social” platform, you kinda need to get a clue about that kind of stuff.

Also, have you ever heard the term “time suck”? ‘Cause you’re totally one of those. You’re probably proud of it though (more advertising money and all).

And speaking of advertising. How do you do that thing where you know that I was JUST shopping for shoes on Zappos or a lamp on Joss & Main? You’re a creepy stalker, that’s what you are.

 

So, as you can tell, Facebook Algorithm Timesuck is not really my boyfriend. I would like to “break up” with him but I can’t (he even provides some of my income in a round about way). Damn, this relationship is so confusing. Can’t you tell?

Uhhhhhggggg.