I am leaving in the morning for my first Type A conference (yes, I kind of resemble the name…). Of course I am a bit nervous because I’ve never been to Type A and there will be new people to meet and unfamiliar stuff. Also, my best conference buddy will not be there this time (boo). I am, however, excited to meet new people so the nerves are more about that than anything else really. I’m an extrovert, so it’s all good, except maybe when I scare an introvert with my extrovert-ness. Sorry.
Which leads me to want I really want to say today: Having a shy kid, when you are not, is HARD.
My middle child is that kid. This morning I stayed at school for a bit to help B’s class with something and G was outside before they were about to leave on a field trip. All the kids were playing and he was standing by himself, sad that I was not tagging along for the field trip. I am his best buddy. Well me, or one of his siblings. He has no friends of his own and it makes me terribly sad. Partly because I cannot understand it and partly because I really just want him to have at least one kid he can be friends with. That’s all.
So I wonder if anyone can offer advice on how to get him out of his shell. I am sure there are many articles and books on this topic. But I don’t really have time to read those things right now. Plus, some of you may have been through this with your own kids and have found a solution of some sort.
I know every kid is different and what worked for yours may not work for mine. I’ve thought of asking his teacher if there is a way to match him up with a “buddy” in class but I’m afraid he would probably turn that child away as well. He barely speaks to people outside of the family, unless he knows them really well or they are one of his siblings’ friends. He’s a bit of anxious child so I know it’s close to impossible for him to go up to someone else and ask for things, for example to play with him.
It’s also hard within our family sometimes because the other two children have kids they go places with and spend the night at their houses. G doesn’t have that. Again, I know this is partly his personality but I feel like he is missing out on something. Or lots of somethings.
I seriously want to know what any of you reading this may think of have to say about this. Should I just leave it alone and know that he will be okay in his own way? Probably, huh? I just know the joy having close friends can bring and would love for him to have someone to bond with and talk to at school.
Man, this parenting gig is hard sometimes…
Do you have any introverted children? Any tips or tidbits appreciated!
My shy guy.
It’s hard having a shy kid even when you are shy yourself. I was always shy as a kid and my kids are no different. They are never the one to initiate anything. I find that the wonderful extroverts in the world are the ones that help include the shier kids. That was my experience and it’s been the same with my boys. Kamden struggles to make friends too. He doesn’t have a bestie like my older son has always had. He does always play whatever sport is going on at recess so that helps.
Honestly, I don’t know there is much you can do. He either has to bite the bullet or someone has to try to include him and he has to be brave enough to let himself be included. It will happen. I promise. Hang in there Mama!
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First thing you have to ask yourself, Elaine, is does *he* miss these things, or are you missing them for him? My husband is socially anxious. He doesn’t want to interact with people the way that I do. He has friends, but he doesn’t spend lots of time with them. He lives his life very differently than I do. It took me a long time to stop trying to get him out of his shell. He likes his shell and me pushing him all the time was annoying to him.
I know you want the best for you boy. He just may not turn out to be the social butterfly you are. 🙂
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GREAT questions! I love your advice here…
Kristen recently posted…Hitting The Links Week of 10/5/15
This sounds so much like Rachel. I worried about her in kindergarten. Her teacher told me that she parallel played next to kids, but wasn’t actually playing with them. I know her, and she needs someone to reach out and initiate the friendship. Just like me. 🙂 Luckily someone did, and they became best friends and were in the same class for K and 1st. Now that they’re not, I worry that they’ll grow apart (you know how kids’ friends change depending on their classmates) and she won’t find another close friend. In that respect, I’m glad she has her twin nearby to hang out with at recess.
I have no advice, honestly. I think it’s common for extroverted parents to want do badly for their introverted kids to be more social. But I think you have to let him find friends, maybe just by gently encouraging him. I have no idea. My problem is that my kids mention wanting to set up playdates with friends, and I’m all “NOOOOOOOOOO!” 🙂
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What does G think? How are his feelings re: friends and social activities? I know it’s hard to watch him missing out on what you know are amazing experiences (being an extrovert), but introverts operate rather differently. You are right in wanting at least one friend for him, because as much as introverts enjoy their own company and that of their family, they definitely need one other person outside of that inner circle. I like the buddy idea, but maybe get G involved in the process? Ask him who in his class he likes/ relates to, then maybe the teacher can step in to implement the buddy system?
I am offering this from an introvert point of view, not that I have experience when it comes to my own kids 🙁 Hugs to you, Elaine!
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This is so hard! I was pretty shy when I was little – but it was more like needing time to warm up to people. I remember how I felt when I was in the shy zone and I would NOT like having grownups pushing other kids at me (or me at them). That would be too much attention on me which is EXACTLY what shy people hate most.
But I don’t think you have to just let it work itself out. Talk to his teacher about whether the school counselor ever does lunch groups or social groups. I know that our school has things like that (with a spectrum of anything from kids with impulse control issues – that would be my son, George – to kids who need a little help integrating better into their classroom). As long as it isn’t obvious that he’s being singled out – then I think the adults SHOULD be stepping in to help him. If they could identify other students who share similar interests and have him in a regular small group situation, he would probably warm up to them over time and find some friends. Outside of school…I really want to suggest a social skills group – but you’d have to make sure they are matching him up with kids who have social anxiety, etc. rather than kids who have special needs related to autism spectrum, etc. Definitely start a dialogue with your school counselor first – and if you don’t feel like they’re not “getting it” – look into outside help. I’m sure there are counselors/psychologists who specialize in helping kids with extreme shyness/social anxiety.
The most important thing to remember is that he DOES have friends in his own family – and those are the best kind of friends that you keep forever. xoxo
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My friend is going through the opposite, she is an introvert with an extroverted child. I think both types are happy people, it just doesn’t seem that way to people who find joy through socializing instead of being on their own or vice versa. She worries her child will miss out on the joy and creative imaginative time she finds in relaxing with a good book by herself if he’s doing things with friends. Both types of people are very important in life, so he’s certainly not doing anything wrong by not having friends.
I echo what some of the other momma’s have said, what does G think? Does it make him sad or is he Ok? Maybe he would rather not hang with anyone. What does his teacher say? Does he talk to kids when they do group work or partner activities? If he gets along fine with kids, but chooses not to join group play on his own, that may just be his personality. Maybe he isn’t as “alone” when you’re not there. Maybe this time he was sad and isolated himself because he was bummed you weren’t coming along, but normally he finds some kids? I’d ask his teacher how he interacts with kids at school and talk to him about it. Also hugs. It’s so dang hard to not be able to just make our kids lives easy for them, ya know?
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I don’t have any advice because my sons are for the most part like me in that they will go and meet new people. However, Gio is more “oven” and Jacob is more “microwave” meaning that in the warm-up process Gio needs to pre-heat. He needs to get to know you and get comfortable, then he’s good as gold. Jacob on the other hand is a lot like me in that he only needs a few seconds in a room, like a microwave, then the beep and he’s ready for action.
I know that if one of them were super shy or unwilling to participate I’d find it hard to help them since my slow burn and quick response are ingrained now.
But hugs, support, love…and allowing them to take the lead. Like everyone said, If G is okay with how he is, then I say let him find HIS WAY and adjust to his environment in a way that is comfortable for him.
He’s a handsome, wonderful person just like his mama! xo
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My kids are both extroverted for the most part. I mean, Des is three. So sometimes he’s waving at the world and other times hiding in my coat. You know how it is.
What’s weird for me is to have two non-anxious kids when I’m anxious. But I guess that’s better than being non-anxious and having two anxious kids!
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Both of our kids are extroverted – but one is clingy. In social situations especially. I stopped trying to push her to do what I need and want her to do and started allowing her to just be – it really helped. Good luck!
Kristen recently posted…Hitting The Links Week of 10/5/15
Like most everyone else suggested, see what he thinks about it.
There’s a big difference between being shy and being introverted. When I think of shy, I think of someone who really wants to join in and be social, but finds it really hard to do so. While introverted needs that quiet and often prefers to do things alone or with a small group of friends, though they are able to join in when they want to or when the situation calls for it.
I’m introverted and my oldest is a lot like me. Sometimes I worry about him because of it- even though I don’t see being introverted as a bad thing, but I do know it can be harder as a child because it feels different. But truly, my son is happiest when he gets his quiet time and often preferring LEGOs to joining in with the neighborhood kids running around. He’s an awesome distance runner and likes that better than team sports. He can be a leader in his class when it comes to school work, but when given the choice, he does individual work instead of group work.
None of it is wrong, it’s just different.
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As an introvert, and total homebody, the best advice I can give is to give him space and time or perhaps there’s an extracurricular activity he can join in to help bring him out of his shell? I was painfully shy as a kid, but typically had a small group of friends that would usually change up over time. When I was in high school, one of the students I met who was very extroverted basically forced me to try out for the school play. That group became my tribe throughout high school. But I was ready to be forced; and the fact that another kid did it might be what made the difference. Most of all, give him time to find his place.
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