When I was pregnant with my first child I had so many expectations. I spent several hours reading “What to Expect When You’re Expecting”, the book that most mothers who see those two pink lines for the first time, consider the pregnancy Bible. I eagerly anticipated the emails that entered my inbox every week, comparing my baby to another piece of produce (kiwi anyone?). I lay in bed at night as he or she tumbled in my belly and I pondered who they would resemble the most once I finally had the opportunity to meet the baby inside.
During birthing classes I fostered expectations of the perfect birth, pain-free and quick. I paid no attention to the c-section video they showed us. That was not for me. I expected things to go smoothly from day one and for me to bond with him or her immediately and for me to feel like there was no one else in the world but the two of us, once my baby was out into the big, big world.
I expected to be able to nurse him or her right away and easily. I expected to fall in love with them from the get-go and to want to hold my precious bundle always and to never want to leave them. Ever.
As you might expect, many of MY expectations were met with resistance.
When I finally met my baby he didn’t look like me or anyone else I knew. I did not get to hold him right away because he was not breathing right at first and the nurses had to help him to start. The birth was nothing short of traumatic for both him and me and even though I did not have a c-section, because I resisted the suggestion of one, it was not ideal in any way.
Once we came home things got worse. I felt no bond with him and breastfeeding was a complete failure. I cried a lot and was in pain and couldn’t really even think straight. I had wanted this baby so badly and my pregnancy was a breeze but everything was different now, especially me.
New Motherhood didn’t just throw me for a loop – it threw me for triple loop-de-loop and I wanted off the roller coaster. Fast.
All I could think about was starting over, rewinding, going back to the first part of the song, to make it sound sweeter. That was of course, if I could sing. Which at that time, I could not.
At my six-week postpartum check-up Tim and my doctor spoke right in front of me as I sat there in a haze, and decided some anti-depressants were in order. I took them willingly, hoping things would get better. I completely gave up the idea of breastfeeding because the anxiety I felt over it was not good for me or my baby.
It was decided even before my son was born that I would return to work after 12 weeks, mostly for financial reasons. Tim and I looked around for an in-home daycare and found one that we liked and trusted.
On the first day I took him there, the same day I would return to work, I expected to be a complete mess. I even packed my makeup in my purse in case I needed to touch it up. I expected to want to check on him 10 or 15 times that day and the women who ran the daycare said she would understand if I felt the need to do just that. She was used to that kind of thing…
I expected to sob as I drove away. I even tried to make the tears come as my car carried me along the same roads it had so many times before.
But they did not… and I shed nary a tear.
I felt guilty but I also felt free. It is hard to admit that here but it is true.
I believe there were no tears that day, not because I did not care about my son, but quite the opposite. I feel it was because I knew at that time what was best for both of us.
Expectations are a funny thing because they can also work the opposite way. Things can happen when we least expect them to.
This has been proven many a time in my life since I became a mother, over a decade ago.
One thing I did not expect, especially after those first three trying months of mothering, was not only that I would eventually fall in love with my baby, but also the person that baby would become. We spend so much time anticipating the infant’s arrival that sometimes we forget the future and that those baby days are really so very short in the grand scheme of things.
My first “baby” is now 10 years old and a truly amazing boy. He makes me laugh so hard but sometimes he makes me really frustrated. He makes awesome fruit salad and likes to write like his mother. These days he is teaching me to let go and hold on all at the same time.
And I can tell you right now… I never expected any of it.
*My heart decided to write this just a few days before my first baby turns 10 and I am publishing it on the “eve, eve” of his 10th birthday…
Such an honest post about how our expectations don’t often come true. I had the same struggles with our first baby with becoming attached to him mainly because breastfeeding was a nightmare. Not until my stubborn self gave up on nursing did I really find time to bond with my sweet boy. He’ll be six this year!! Happy birthday eve eve to your little one!
Jennifer-Mommy Life After Ph.D. recently posted…Best Educational Toys for Kids
Jennifer, that was exactly how it was for me too. Hugs for us both! Thank you for your comment. xo
You’re not alone in the lack of *immediate* bonding and over the moon love. I knew I loved both of my kids when they were put on my chest right after delivery but it was more of a primal instinct than a swooning kind of love.
Happy birthday to your first baby and congratulations on ten years of motherhood!
Jennifer @ Also Known As…the Wife recently posted…11 Months
Yes, sometimes it takes a bit of time. Of course I loved him but I don’t think I was quite sure how to love him right away. 🙂
Thank you!
I felt the same way when I sent Jack to preschool last year. I felt like I should cry but I knew the break was best for both of us. Nothing about motherhood is ever as I expected it and sometimes it’s hard and sometimes it’s wonderful. Love the honesty in this, Elaine!
Julia recently posted…The Three Year Old Smile
Thanks, Julia. And you’re right, so much unexpected, actually! 😉
I can absolutely relate. I left my teaching job in May ready to be a stay-at-home-mom. About six months into it, I realized that for my sanity (and the sanity of those around me), that I NEEDED to be back at work. A friend told me she was a “better mom when she had a job,”and I couldn’t agree more! Thanks for sharing this and being brave enough to say it!
Yep, sometimes that is just the way it works out. Every mother is different and that is a good thing! 🙂 And thank YOU!
Such beautiful insight into the expectations and surprises we all face. I love your point about expectations as they get older. I think I forgot my baby would one day turn into the seven year old he is now. I also didn’t expect a child to be harder than an infant. Now there’s more to it than just feeding and changing. He’s a person! Life and parenting is full of so many surprises.
Jenny recently posted…This Mama’s Mantra: Just Let Our Boys Be Boys!
Yep, what is the saying? The bigger they get the bigger the issues? Oh gosh!! If only we had known! LOL. Actually, the fact is you just do NOT know until you live it.
Thank you!
Holding on and letting go all at the same time – yes. Every day in this motherhood journey is a mixture os those two. Beautiful!
Lisa @ The Golden Spoons recently posted…Sunday Supper – Menu Planning
Thanks, Lisa. It so it… 🙂
I love that honest, raw voice of yours, my friend. Things have a way of working out and surprising us, right? xoxox
Kerstin @ Auer Life recently posted…My Writing Process
Yes, usually… and thank you, my friend. 🙂
Happy ten years to you, for being a mom for that long.
I thought about that a lot when Scarlet was young – how we don’t have kids to have babies. Babies are only babies for 1-2 years. We have kids to have..well..eventually, adults.
And you fall in love with them many times over.
I appreciate your honesty here. I think more than not, we can relate.
And Happy Birthday to the handsome kid!
Tamara recently posted…Science Fiction Double Feature.
I was pretty enthralled with having a “baby”. I did not think much past that. And then! When it wasn’t going so well at first? Oh my…
You’re right about falling in love many times over. So awesome and amazing!!
Thank you!
I had a really difficult time bonding with my son. Breastfeeding was my only saving grace. It was as if that was the only thing that made me feel like I was important to him. Then I had to give it up due to an unforeseeable medical blip from the epidural.
When your emotions are so negative, they overshadow all of the positive. It is all that you can feel. You loved your babe deep down but you just couldn’t feel it under the yuck. You showed that you loved him by nurturing him and fighting to feel that love.
You’re a good mom no matter how your beginnings started.
I’m so proud of you for sharing this. I talk about this quite frequently and opened up about it in the book I’m in and you’d be surprised at how many women go through this xoxo
Kimberly recently posted…Pink Jogging Pants
I KNOW so many do. I am glad we are talking about it more these days. It seemed still “taboo” back when my son was born. I am proud of you for sharing too. xoxo
Oh hon – such an honest post and one filled with emotions and truths that’s so hard for most of us mothers to admit to. How could I possibly love you more? But I do. xo
tracy@sellabitmum recently posted…There’s Nothing Like A Wedding
I think admitting it is part of the healing. And yes, still healing after 10 years. Damn.
love and xo’s back. 🙂
I love this honest post. I had a lot of anxiety over breastfeeding, too, and since I was also returning to work after 12 weeks, I bottle fed. My son was fine with it and we were both much happier. It’s nice when you can do things in all the “right” ways, but sometimes you need to compromise for your own sanity!
Jessica recently posted…[363/365] Flooding
Yes, that is so true. And this was one of those times.
Thank you!
Love, love, love! I don’t think motherhood can ever be what we expect it to be.
Jennifer recently posted…Holding On
I agree. I actually think a lot of things are that way. 🙂
This is beautiful. I love the way you told your motherhood journey!
My son is 4.5 and is growing into an amazing little man. I can’t wait to see what he’s like at 10.
NJ Rongner recently posted…Musical Treats: Lishy Lou & Lucky Too
Thank you! And yes, they are amazing. Although at 10 they come with just a little bit of extra attitude. 😉
These are my favourite kind of blog posts. So raw, so beautiful, so full of love and completely real. I think as Moms we’ve all been in places where things aren’t turning out as expected. We hold true to one ideal that when it doesn’t come to fruition, we crumble under the weight of our own expectations.
Happy ten years to you and your beautiful son.
Mine too, actually. I like when it just flows out, which this did.
It was that ideal that I had so much trouble with, especially with the nursing. Man, that was killer for me. I wanted it to work SO bad.
Thank you, Laura!
Happy ten years, and happy 10 years old your son! Expectations have a funny way of resting itself on us. What we think we need, and desire, is not what we actually need. We are expected to be open arms and loving when our child is born, but there are so many things that can get in the way of that. Relationships take time to build, especially with a baby.
Thank you for sharing this post, it was very honest and heartfelt. 🙂
KalleyC recently posted…Sunday Thoughts: On Freedom
I agree. I mean, even though you carried them around for 9 months does not mean you know each other right away! 🙂 Thankfully there is plenty of time to get to know each other and fall in love.
Thank you!
I so appreciate your honesty! I had some similar experiences. Breastfeeding with my first was impossible and painful. I cried every time and hated every second of it. It made me resent him bc I knew he was going to inflict this pain on me again and I couldn’t go anywhere because he would need to eat yet again. I finally gave up after two weeks (and wound up exclusively pumping) because I couldn’t do it anymore and I felt like that shattered any initial bonding we could have had. I also went back to work after 12 weeks and I was excited to go back! I didn’t feel that way at all after my second!
Marta recently posted…11 About Me – Liebster Award
Thanks, Marta!
Mine just didn’t want to nurse. Which really sucked, no pun intended. 😉 But I can imagine that your experience was so hard too! And I pumped too. So glad I never have to see that thing again! ha!
I hear you, Elaine.
My first year as a mother was tough. On some days, it was hell, and I questioned myself as a human being, not just as a mother.
Things certainly did not turn out as expected, and even now, 4+ years on, I’m still thrown for a loop some days.
Such is parenting – it’s a rollercoaster, baby!
Happy 10th Birthday, Ben!!
Alison recently posted…Plans Schplans
Thank you! (for the birthday wishes, he’ll take ’em)
And yes, I questioned a lot too… thankfully we totally know what we’re doing now, right? ;-p
xoxo
My oldest baby will be 10 in June, so I know exactly what you mean about the letting go and the holding on. So true.
I had a lot of the same expectations of motherhood as you did, and I found that many things turned out differently than I had planned. I had a hard time letting go of the vision of the way I pictured things for a long while. I love this post, Elaine.
Kim@Co-Pilot Mom recently posted…My Newest Blog Reader
Aw, thank you, Kim. So much.
It’s so like that, right? Like a push AND a pull at the same time! ACK!
And yeah, what is that saying… “the best laid plans…” don’t really work with Motherhood! ha!
I am in awe of your honesty here. Parenting is one of the hardest things I have ever done, but also one of the most rewarding. Just because I need a break from my kids or get frustrated or angry at them, doesn’t mean I’m a bad mom.
Rabia @TheLiebers recently posted…#TuesdayTen: Things That Make me Laugh
Oh well, thank you! It actually may be the hardest thing I have ever done! ha! And you’re so right… 🙂
Elaine, those memories of the first months are so cloudy for many of us. Thank you for sharing this personal – and painful – story. So many times when people talk about being a parent with only pink-colored reflection, I wonder if there was any darkness at all, and I regret my own less-than-perfect experiences, which helps no one. xoxo
Andrea recently posted…Letter From a Captive
It was definitely not pink-colored for me, in more ways than one! ha! And I agree, Andrea, we need to share this kind of stuff because I think everyone goes through it in some way, at least a little. If they say they don’t or did not I think they are probably fibbing. 😉
xo
So true…we definitely set crazy expectations. And until you are a mother you have no idea how it’s going to go for you or your baby. Thanks for sharing your story Elaine! 🙂
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