My marriage was supposed to work out. It was supposed to be the marriage of all marriages. It was going to last forever and yes, have it’s ups and downs, but we, as a unit, were going to get through all those downs. There would be romance and love and hearts most of the time. There would be forgiveness and sacrifice and kind words as much as humanly possible. There would be “us”, always.
As it turns out, that did not happen. Yes, we did have most of those things listed above, at the beginning and even towards the middle, but in the end, and after many counseling sessions, we simply could not conquer them all. And as it turns out, we are fundamentally different people. So, even after 20 years as a couple, we could not tackle it all and carry on as one.
My story is similar to many people’s. Many women in fact. The man I married no longer exists and well, the woman he married does not either. But it’s not only about the fact we both changed, it is also about the level of commitment. I won’t say whose I feel was more…
I NEVER EVER expected to be a divorcee. EVER. This was not part of my plan, of course. Find me someone who gets married to get divorced and I am afraid I may judge them a little.
But no one else knows what really went on behind these four walls. No one walked in my shoes or cried my tears or hollered the same exact words as me, in anger and frustration. I was trying so very hard to make it work out, wishing for easy solutions to our big problems.
One of my main worries in all of this is what other people will think.
However, I also realize no one knows my story unless I outright tell them. They do not know that we tried REALLY hard to make it work. They do not know that we are doing the best we can at co-parenting, and pretty much rocking it compared to most. They do not know how much it all hurts. Some just hear “the D word” and instantly judge.
Sometimes I walk in the neighborhood at night, alone, when the kids are with their dad. I can see into the neighbor’s windows and many of them I know, but some I do not. I can see a few families in their kitchens or dining rooms, going about their evening rituals. I wonder how happy they are. We looked happy from the outside but my marriage had troubles for years.
Perhaps the families I see while out and about are on their second marriage, maybe they are a blended family; when I see kids of varying ages I wonder. Perhaps their first marriages were horrible or not so bad for them but for the other partner. Maybe it is there first marriage but they are terribly unhappy and wish they could get out, but cannot for whatever reason.
I have no idea unless we are friends or family and they have told me the whole story.
All I am saying is, please do not judge a divorce situation. Unless you are living it or have lived it, you do not know. And the reality is, everyone’s story is different and comes with heartache that was likely never expected in the beginning…
ren powell says
Divorce is so painful.
And I think (at least for me) never a clear “right thing” from every angle.
I hope your life from here is filled with joy and the best of memories from what was.
Laurie says
Thank you for these thoughts and words. Still married after 21 years, but struggling in a place of uncertainty.
Kirsten says
Oh lord. THIS. It was very isolating for me as our friends quickly became “his” friends. I felt judged constantly because of the lies he told about me. It’s still hard to run into some of those people because we still don’t interact. I see their eyes wonder now (after so much has happened from the initial filing) if their judging was accurate and due or if maybe they misjudged. But now? The egg is firmly part of their face and they can’t wipe it off. Not that I miss having people in my life who were so quick to judge. It only stings a little now. Back then it felt like a hot poker under my skin.
By thank you for writing. I’ve told my kids not to judge because you just never know about anyone until you’ve walked in their shoes and since you can’t actually do that…give everyone some grace. Don’t take shit, but give grace.
Leigh Ann says
I love a comment I heard once that said, “Unless you have walked a mile in my shoes, you have no right to comment on my footwear.” Judging is easy. Reminding ourselves to have empathy and understanding is not always so easy. But we never truly know what’s going on in someone else’s house or relationship.
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Nicole says
This whole message is so needed for everyone who goes through divorce. I have seen friends completely wrecked through the experience – and it’s hard enough losing your marriage and what you thought your life would be, let alone having to carry the weight of judgment from others who have no real idea the truth of it all. I’m glad you are so open about this process because it all needs to be said. Much love to you Elaine as you navigate it all. You have no judgement from me, not one bit.
Rena says
My first marriage was a disaster. There was abuse, adultery, and alcoholism. I was very young and had just lost my father when I married the wrong man. We had a young son and that’s why I left I didn’t want him growing up into that kind of life. Fast forward one year when I met the love of my life. We met on a Friday moved in together on a Saturday. That was 25 years ago and he’s still the love of my life and my best friend. My point is: It may not seem like it now, but life will get better and you will find the right person for you. Just keep an open mind and an open heart.
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Jennifer says
What is that Dr. Suess saying, “those who matter don’t mind, and those that mind don’t matter.” Or something like that.
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Bianca S says
Thank you for sharing this with your readers! I am sure there are so many out there who can relate and empathize (including myself). No one expects to get divorced but it happens, a lot. This really reminded me of a book that was recommended to me called, “The Accidental Divorcee” by Laura Scott (http://theaccidentaldivorcee.com/). It is a fast read full of stories, advice, and lessons on how to heal and then “begin again.” I also thought it was particularly unique because it is written from both the perspective from the leaver and the person who was left. After reading this I felt recharged and I have been telling everyone about it. I really hope you and your readers will check it out. Good luck to all during this difficult time.