Beyond All Understanding

The birds made noise above my head and I looked up to see one go inside the trunk of a large cedar tree. She wiggled her feathered body into a small hole where I assume her young were waiting for food. Not far away some of the children were laughing, I could hear their muffled voices too, as the light breeze carried it my way. The newly green leaves, which will turn brown and fall a few months from now, touched each other lightly in the tree tops while the voice in my head prayed, trying to listen for any response.

I sat quietly, my hands in prayer pose, my knees bent too much and I stared at the various flowers the children brought to Mary – tulips, daisies and roses among them. The grotto is small and sits right by the gravel road where mothers and fathers wait to welcome their children back into their presence. The rumble of a running vehicle mingled with the other sounds, bringing me back down to the reality of a busy life, full of challenge, elation, mysteries, grace and most importantly, love.

Every other Friday I retrieve two of my youngest children from school at dismissal time. From the moment they enter the van we all breathe a collective sigh of relief, knowing there are two free days ahead and wishing they lasted longer. This time I decided to wait part of the time in the car line outside of my mom van, and talk to God for a bit. I did this because I believe He is always ready to listen. I do it often because it makes me feel better to get it out of and off my mind.

Most of my prayers these days are centered around one theme, as Brandon and I prepare to marry (again, for both of us) and merge our families. The prayers we pray together at night, over the phone usually include these ideas as well. I am giving up closet space and he is giving up his current home. It seems like a fair trade to me, but I know it really is not. I also know that every kid of the five currently has their own room and soon that will no longer be the case. I know our parental attention will be divided even more. We have five children with different quirks and personalities. We have two adults who choose each other every day, despite our differences in opinion sometimes.

There have been signs that maybe we should not do this. That perhaps this endeavor we are about to embark on is foolish or unwise. Some would probably say we should stay within the confines of our separate homes and keep with the status quo. Others may say we are crazy for getting married again and doing so in the church, just as we have wanted all along, and have worked so hard (especially emotionally) to do.

However, there have been many more signs to the contrary. Every day Brandon shows his love for me. Sure, we say “I love you”, but no one (outside of my family) has ever shown me they loved me in the ways that he does, just by doing. Simply by being there for me and my children. This man shows up. He does what is right and his priorities are in order. He has helped me see things about myself that even I could not see. He has made me realize what love really means and for that I am forever thankful.

And the kids… well, they are learning. They are learning to share space on road trips and around the table. They are learning how different people have varying interests, likes and dislikes. They are becoming more accepting of each other and even more tolerant. They are learning to adapt and will continue to do so because of this love we are exemplifying for them. Love, despite our separate histories and scars.

Our life will not be perfect because it never can be. But with God in our life, I truly believe it can be as good as we can possibly make it here on earth. So I asked God the other day, sitting there amongst the running vehicles, chirping birds and swishing in the trees, to help us, just as I do pretty much every day. And I asked his Mother Mary to help us too, because Lord knows this mother needs her assistance as well.

I figure it cannot hurt to let them into our lives and this family we are about to create. As a wise friend once said, “There is only one person who can see this through. Keep The Christ foremost in your thoughts, words and deeds. Let each breath be a reminder of His abiding presence. Let His life example of sacrificial love and infinite forgiveness carry you into this new life. There you will prosper and find peace, a peace that is beyond all understanding.”

I know it won’t be perfect, but it will be ours. As long as we keep showing up for each other with that love, understanding and forgiveness, pretty sure we cannot go wrong.