BElieve

We sat together, waiting on the long bench in the cold corridor.  One woman walked by and asked him a question that he quickly answered. I thought about how I liked her coat.  It was sort of like a cape, but with sleeves.  I felt comfortable there, next to him, yet truly uncomfortable for being in that moment and for all the reasons I have gone over and over in my head. I looked around and smelled the essence of so many people who had walked those same halls and glanced over and over at the flecked quartz floor – the kind you see it all sorts of old, public buildings. The tired fluorescent lights bothered me as they buzzed above.

My nervousness showed as I sat, biting the inside of my lip.  This was not a situation I had ever been in before, or one I ever expected to be part of my story.  I stared at my suede booties and listened to him as we chatted, trying to distract me.

At one point he told me I would make a good lawyer.  I laughed. “That is so not true,” I said.  “Sure it is”, he said.  “You’ve got more qualifications than most of the ones I know.  You are prompt, well spoken and you know your way around a computer.  That’s better than 85% of the lawyers I deal with.”

For a moment I saw his point.  And I felt inspired that he could believe in me, knowing so little about me.  Why couldn’t I believe that I could be a good lawyer too? Why would I think it was not still possible to aspire to something like that if I really wanted to?

 

An why is it so hard for us to believe in ourselves sometimes? Do I think that the kid over there who is creating his latest piece of art from crayons and plain white paper doesn’t believe in what he is creating? I can guarantee you that 99% of the time he thinks that is the best damn picture ever.

I want to believe in my picture.  I want to believe in myself in all things.  I NEED to do that now.

I need to believe that I can figure out how to work the damn television (and all the shit that goes with it) for gosh sakes.

So, if I can start there and work my way up at this being single thing, this “without a man” thing, then I bet I can realize my full potential as an individual.

 

I think part of what happened to me was that my tank was emptied over time. Some important people in my life did not believe in my potential and so I had a leak, that got bigger and bigger until the tank was almost completely empty.  Those people did not see who or what I could be.  They simply saw what I was not and focused on that.  And they made me waiver against myself, which is wrong is so many ways.

I am ready to fill my tank back up (and no, not just with chocolate and wine) with self assurance and confidence. I believe I can be who I was made to be, as well as who others, who want me to succeed, know I can be.

It may take more time to fill it back up than I want, and there may be some mini leaks along the way that I have to fix again, but that is alright.

I am learning every day who I am and what I believe and that belief in myself is paramount.  Admittedly it is hard to do that when you are depending on someone else for your own happiness.  I refuse to live my life that way anymore.  My children need to see that happiness comes from within.

I vow to BElieve in me for them, for all those who do believe in me and for myself.

 

 

Linking up with MamaKat – from this prompt – Write a blog post inspired by the word: full.