I drove home from work yesterday crying. As I made my way, I took note how most of the flags outside of businesses and in front of churches and schools were at half staff. I realized it could be for multiple reasons. Yesterday was a national day of mourning for our country’s former President, Jimmy Carter. Also, our state elected to put flags at half staff in some areas due to the tragedy on New Year’s Eve/New Year’s Day, in which a man from Lafayette was killed along with thirteen other innocent humans. Also, I looked at too many images of the terrible, devastating fires in the L.A. area. As I drove I came to terms with how mentally spent I am, only a week into 2025.
We all look forward to a new year with a sense of freshness. Okay, maybe not all of us, but I do. Traditionally it is a time most of us feel the need for a reset, big or small. We make resolutions, write things down and mark dates on a new calendar, symbolic of a blank slate. We typically make a quick account of the year that passed before we mentally move on. We put away our Christmas clutter and “spring” clean. The trees are bare, the wind is cool (in our part of the world anyway) and we huddle up in our homes by the fire.
But this year got off to a rough start already and I am struggling. I am completely torn emotionally about this year. I am sad for our country in general and the state of things. I am not positive on that front and it makes me very upset. Yet, this is a big year for our family, since we have several milestone Birthdays and other events to anticipate celebrating. I just wish I could feel more positive and happy. I try, I do.
I still laugh, because a lot of things are funny. But then I cry because so many things are horrible. I find joy in decorating my home and spending time with my family and friends, but then I think about so many people who do not have those things. Some people have NONE of those things. I sleep unsettled at night in my cozy, warm bed, thinking about how not everyone has that either. I think about how I have mostly lived a really good life at almost 50 years old, and then I think about my kids’ futures and I get all depressed again. What the hell are we leaving them with? To me it looks like a fucking mess.
I don’t have depression. I am not constantly depressed. I do have some level of anxiety and worry, but that has always been the case. And who doesn’t these days? Really, who doesn’t? I feel like we are all walking around like ticking time bombs. I could go to my therapist and talk about it (haven’t seen her in a while) but each time I think about making an appointment in my head I just hear her saying, “Elaine, everyone is feeling this way.” (She probably wouldn’t say that to me, she would try to help me work through my feelings). Why do I think she would say that, because we are. I mean, we have to be.
And what is the fucking mess? It’s our planet, social media, our lack of connection with our neighbors and community. It’s our constant need to be right and not bend or see someone else’s perspective, to not help those in need but take for ourselves. I keep trying to tell myself that the world is better than what I am seeing, but the proof is getting harder to find. I know, I KNOW, in my heart of hearts the regular people like you and me are still trying to do and be good. We are all just trying to live our lives and take care of those we love. But the people in power and those making the most “noise” are not, and it’s affecting us BADLY. As a community, a state, a country, a world.
When I was a little girl I remember seeing this image of the Earth with a ring of humans from all different cultures (as designated by their dress in the illustration) holding hands, encircling the planet. I recall how the image left me with a sense of comfort; thinking about humanity uniting in this huge world of ours and people coming together from different places and cultures. I think it made me feel that despite our differences, all would be okay. I don’t really get that feeling anymore, quite the opposite actually. And the way this year started leaves me feeling melancholy and it pisses me off.
I want to be able to feel that again, like things will be okay, for me, my family, my friends. I want to greet a new year with jubilation and anticipation of good things to come, not melancholy and dread. I feel like it isn’t fair to anyone to start anything THAT way. Yet here I am. Here we are.
So how do I combat it? I get up every day and go to work and I come home and cook dinner and I ask my husband and kids how their day was. Then I do it all over again the next day. I live my life. Some days are better than others. Some days I am good at tuning out the noise and other days I soak it all up like the driest of dry sponge, heavy with dismay. Some days a shopping trip to Home Goods, where I find the cutest thing I don’t need but I buy it anyway cheers me up for a bit. Some days I cry, like on my way home yesterday. Most days I pray and ask for grace and put out thankfulness for my so far pretty good life.
But lately it is getting harder and that is what scares me. All the things are getting harder, even getting up in the morning. And I really, really don’t like it. I am not sure what the answer is. I guess this is just life. And the place where we are at as a world. But I still don’t like it, not one bit.
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Elaine, I'm so happy to see you writing and that I can comment on a blog like I did what now feels like another lifetime ago. I think a lot of what many of us are feeling is a real sense of grief for where we are at as a Country. I spend a lot of time worrying about what the future looks like for our kids and if these social media platforms brought us any good, even though I know that's not true because I have so many friends I found through here and I made it my career. I worry about that loss of community and I made community my word for the year in hopes of trying to see what I can do in my own spaces. Wishing you the best New Year available to you and I hope you keep writing, cause I miss reading.