A Change in Me

My patience is often extremely thin with my kids.  Many times I am ready to snap at any moment.  I am always thinking about something else I need to do, accomplish, make clean or pick up (laundry or groceries or a kid, you name it).

I go through my days rewinding a to-do list, mentally checking off a thing here or there, making sure I do not miss a school event or a gym class or the making of dinner that I planned earlier in the week.

I cannot MISS or MESS up or MAKE do, things have to be perfect and “right” or on time.

I put a lot of pressure on myself here too, for this blog.  To have posts written, ones that I feel people WANT to read and comment on, feeling I need to continually build up and be involved in THIS community.  With YOU, with it all.

But something horrible came to pass last week that affected me deeply, down to my Mothering soul.  Something so horrific and unimaginable.  But TRUE.  Horribly, awfully, terribly true.

And I was mostly okay, just tearing up all morning until my mother called.

She called me as I was about to walk out the door to pick up my boys at their elementary school and she told me to hug them tight for her.  And we cried and I sobbed so hard, thinking of those poor babies, someone else’s sweet babies, for having to face what they did.

And something RIGHT THEN changed in me.

For this entire weekend I have been looking deep into my babies’ blue and hazel eyes.  I’ve hugged them and kissed their faces a bagillion times because I never want to forget what they feel like.  What THAT feels like.  I’ve told them they are loved and cherished and amazing and smart and beautiful.

I have taken time to breathe and not be so impatient while they climb on me or demand another snack or whine or even vomit on my bed (I did not make that up).

I want them to NEVER, EVER feel at such a loss.

I want to protect them from every little thing but I will send them back to their school tomorrow because I try to have faith that they will be fine and safe.  I cannot let fear, or those wanting to instill it, have a grip on me or my children.

But a change has come in other ways too.

You’ll see it here.

My number one, two, three and four priorities are in this house, right now, in no particular order.  And I will not let fear and stress take over my giving them the love they deserve the most.

If anything good can come of such a tragic thing, I think it is that we all learn to respect each other more, as parents and children and families.  It’s a lesson for ME for sure.  To treat everyone with kindness and grace and love, even when they may not treat us that way.  ESPECIALLY our precious children.

And I personally will be spending more time with mine from now on and may even put the blog on a mini hiatus while they are on Christmas vacation.  Because I’ll never get those weeks of  2012 back again.

The Christmas that my babies were 8, 5 and 3.

So yeah, a change in me is here.

Praying for those affected by the horrible tragedy last week.  My heart breaks for those lost and their families.  There just are not words to describe what I feel and how much I hurt for such terrible loss of life that surely could have been prevented.