This morning I stepped on the scale and the number 165 showed up.
ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTY-FIVE POUNDS.
There was no wishing it away or making it change or stepping off and stepping on again and having it be different.
It WAS what it was.
And then I cried.
I cried because at one point I was down to 147. It may have only lasted a short while but I was able to write this post and so many people were proud of me and gave me “atta girl”s and virtual pats on the back.
And I felt good. Really, REALLY good.
And now I don’t.
At 147 my stomach didn’t pooch out and my other, smaller-sized shorts fit.
I mean, we’re talking about 18 pounds here people. EIGHTEEN pounds, I’ve gained back.
UGH.
And of course there is only ME to blame.
Lately my eating has gone from bad to worse and somehow in my head I make up these excuses that it’s okay to eat that chocolate thing and this sugary whatever or that SUPER carb-y JUNK. A whole bag of popcorn? Sure, WHY NOT!?!?
While on vacation I ate like someone was about to take my plate away any second – or maybe my ice cream cone. Yeah, SO MUCH ice cream while on vacation. It should be illegal to consume that much in a week’s time. I kept telling myself “aw, you’re on vacation, eat up!” And it was like there was a little “bad for me food” devil on my left shoulder, telling me vacation calories don’t count.
I don’t have any excuses except that I have not been able to run and well, I’m eating like I am still running 12-20 miles a week. That’s NOT good. I am doing other things like Zumba and I have run some in that last week or so but the calories in just DO NOT equal the calories out (night-time snacking anyone? I’m a pro!)
The fact is I just have no willpower lately and I don’t know why… it used to be in full force. And I look in the mirror and pretend like I don’t see the weight gain. But I do. And I’m sure others do too…
I really want to lose at least 10 pounds back because I just feel so much better that way, both physically and mentally. I hope I can do it. I’m trying not to doubt myself. And I will be shopping differently at the store and just leaving a lot of things there, including that popcorn.
But sometimes, I just want to know, WHY does this have to be so damn hard?
Have you read Fit2Fat2Fit? It’s inspiring. He is inspiring. It gave me the extra push I needed.
Love you, girl! 18 pounds heavier or not!
First. (((((hugs))))) my friend.
Second. The wagon is there waiting for you to get back on when you’re ready.
Third. LOVE you. Hard.
Fourth. The best things in life are hard. Motherhood. Running. Making good food choices. But al worth the struggle in the end
Fifth. We’ve got your back. Tell me what you need…if you know…for accountability. I’ve got my hooker ass-kickin shoes at the ready.
And last but not least…love. love. love you.
Oh, Elaine! I just love you and your honesty. I love, love, love you. And totally know how you feel…. I could have written this post….. and i’m pretty sure I did a few months back. I just got finished reading Bob Harper’s The Skinny Rules and it just makes sense. It’s written in just plain old language and something has clicked. He gives you 20 rules and then 4 weeks of meal plans to get you started. I’m going on my girls’ trip in a couple of weeks and after I get back, the three of us are living these rules. Oh, and after the first two weeks you get a cheat meal…. not a whole day like on South Beach, but a meal.
And don’t forget, no one is perfect….. we all fall from time to time, but it’s those who get up, dust off and start again are the ones that are the strongest…… and I know you are darn strong!
P.S. You looked adorable in that yellow skirt and blue stripped top…… just precious!
Oh Elaine, I could have written this exact post!! You know I lost weight about 4 years ago, but I have gained most of it back. Running, while great exercise, has done NOTHING to help with the weight loss, and I know the only thing that works for me is to watch my diet. And lately, I’ve just sucked at that. Like you say, it’s the lack of willpower, and I can’t understand why because I used to be so good at that! So hon, I can totally relate to where you are right now. But WE CAN DO IT! I know we can!!
Oh hon, it IS hard. I weighed myself today and wondered when I’ll lose that 15 pounds to get back to the weight I’m most comfortable at. I know it’s only been 7 weeks postpartum so it’s all normal and it’s all good, but still, sometimes, I hate the scale.
You’re self-aware which is a great start. You know what you need to do so that’s another step. Know that you can and you will be at a comfortable happy weight soon. Believe it.
Dude, GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
I can feel the weight creeping back on, too, but I refuse to get on the scale. I’m done with weighing and that’s all there is to it.
I sooooo understand what you mean about eating like you are still running. Yeah. I do that. I haven’t done much cardio to speak of in the last couple of months because of my toe, but I’m still eating like a fiend.
I love you. You are amazing and you CAN do this. Let me know what you need and I’m there for you.
Oh my friend. I love you. It is so damn hard. It is. I find I put myself last and my scale starts creeping up..and the older I get that harder it is. I’ve been working out like a crazy person lately with great results..BUT how in the hell does anyone maintain this? And what’s more..it’s really not fun. Gah. xoxo
I want to lose 10lbs and weigh 165.
Well,let’s see- I could have written this post verbatim. Over the last 1.5 years I have gained 10lbs back (that I lost originally). You and I are a lot alike in our eating habits. I have no magic answer. IT is hard and it sucks and I wish food did not taste so yummy. Also, margaritas and chips and salsa can suck it.
I am back in the gym again,back to running (barely 2-3 miles at a time), and I am exhausted, lol! Now I need to reign in the eating and life will be good, right?
Love you girl! You (and I) can do this.
Girl, I love you & your honesty. You know that I wrote essentially this EXACT SAME POST this year. I don’t know what happpens to our willpower but POOF! Mine was gone too. It still is.
I get it. The feeling sucks out loud. I think we need to figure out again what works & what doesn’t. What worked 2-3 years ago might not work now either. Someone mentioned that new Bob Harper book – Skinny Rules. I might be looking for that today. I know a biggie is no carbs in the evening which sounds like torture, but maybe that would be a place to start.
Love you.
I look at people who seem to never have yo-yo weight issues and I don’t understand how they keep it off! It’s diet, has to be, right? And by diet, I don’t mean “going on a diet” I mean “how they eat regularly.” It’s very frustrating – I totally get it Elaine. And summer, while you’d think it’s the best time to eat healthy, tends to be my worst time!
I get it.
This could be my post! I was down to 145 two years ago…and then I think that I can eat whatever I want.
((hugs))
{{{{{{{hugs ‘n hooker love}}}}}}}}}}}
been there, done that. had to buy a bigger t-shirt.
i wish i had the words to fix this for you. for me too. it is so hard! for me it was a 20 pound gain. i like to pretend i’m small right now, but 20 pounds is a lot for a short gal like me!
please know that we are here for you, and whatever you need in the way of encouragement just tell us.
Oh Elaine, I’m so sorry. I can imagine how frustrating that is. Want to be accountability partners about nighttime snacking? I’ve been having a heck of a time trying to stop. You can do this! *hugs* Oh…and you still look pretty darn beautiful 🙂
It’s a constant struggle for me, so I feel your pain. I know you can do this. You did it once, you can do it again. Have you tried MyFitnessPal (www.myfitnesspal.com). It’s what really helped me focus.
Losing weight is hard but I hear maintaining and keeping it off is even harder. I do agree that while on vacation you shouldn’t be as strick, you are on vacation after all – but the calories still count. You did it once and you know that means you can do it again. The body can do anything it is the mind you have to teach and train to do better. I gained way too much weight while pregnant (both times) and I am working my ass of now to pay for it. My boy is 7 months now and I have lost all the “baby weight” but I was also 10… ok that’s a lie… 30 pounds heavier when I got pregnant so now I’m still working on that. It is a long and very hard process. But you can do it. Your body can do it but your mind just has to be ready. You have to do it for you and the way working out and eating healthy make you feel! You can do it. Start today. Right now… not tomorrow because tomorrow never comes.
The good thing is You know you can do it and you know what got you off track. You can do the work to get it back but it isn’t the weight… it is you – all of you. Inside and out – love you. Want better for yourself and transform your mind to get you there. It sucks constantly working, constantly trying to be good, but You have to do it for a better you. You can do it Elaine! Just get started again. We love you regardless, obvs!
It’s alright momma. The good news is you already know how capable you are. xo
Oh you are so honest. Making good food choices is HARD! I don’t do it very often and I justify it because I’m still nursing the baby. That’s what you need – a baby to nurse! Kidding! But I do know that someday I’m going to stop nursing. I’m scared because I really will have to cut waaaay back on the calories, and I don’t know how to do that. But you do! You’ve done it before which is amazing. And you’ll be able to run again soon, right? That will help a lot. You can do it! {{Hugs!}}
Try not to be so hard on yourself. I’m in the same boat right now where everyday (it seems) I tell myself that I’ll eat better TOMORROW. Then I step on the scale and am shocked at the number it gives me. Yesterday I still ate crap, but went for a jog with my husband. Small steps…
You hit it right on the head for me. I’ve been struggling with this too. I’ve put off getting on the scale because I’ve been in serious denial about my weight. I had lost 40 lbs last year but started to go into gain-phase when my dad got ill and then I had an emergency appendectomy. I realize that I’ve used those both as excuses to get on the food train…now I’m ready to get off or get onto a much smaller train.
You should start an online fit club where we all can join and talk about what were doing this week to “take it off” and see each others progress…..
It’s not fair.
But, you do know, don’t you that whether you weigh 165 or 147 you are still the person that we all love?
We’ve all been down this road. It’s so hard when the junk food eating spirals out of control. I know for me it takes me awhile to realize it’s even happening. Good luck with the weight loss. I know you can do it!
Get back on that wagon. This happens to me to. Get back on there. You indulged. We all do. You feel blegh. I understand. But now get up and get back on that wagon and lose those lbs and feel good again. Sleep more. Drink water. Run. Get up and get fit!
I have no advice because obviously this is not something I’m good at it. I’ve just made a decision that I can’t focus on this anymore, for myself. I’m too mean to me when I try to lose weight and I just end up weighing more. I just can’t do it anymore.
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kamis Khlopchyk6/28/2012 12:10:00 PM
I am no expert but it is hard and it is a choice you have to make every single day. BUT that said, you have to decide what your healthy weight is FOR YOU. No one else. And then get back on track and get there and stay there.
The key is that you only have clothes that fit you at that weight. There are no “fat clothes”. That way, when your clothes get tight, you can’t ignore it. Um, it hurts in the gut, literally!
I think you are beauftiful just the way you are but you have to feel it. Find it, do it and be it!!!
Hugs!
I think you’re already starting to empower yourself by writing this post. You’ll get yourself back where you want to be. Just take those small steps back in the right direction and celebrate each and every one of them. But don’t berate yourself for every treat either. That’s not good for you. BIG HUGS. You are beautiful…simply beautiful regardless of the extra 18 pounds….I hate to see you beating yourself up like this. One step at a time, small victories will become larger victories. You can reach your goals. XO.
Oh honey, please go easy on yourself. I know, oh how I know, how completely impossible weight loss can be. Baby steps, celebrate even the tiniest of successes and most important, forgive yourself like you would forgive your children.
XO
Oh girl, I know. I just do.
Summertime dieting is hard. There’s always something delicious right there. And that will power thing? I so get that, too.
I say we go for one day/one week/one pound at a time.
No big goals or down on ourselves-ness. Just baby steps to where we want to be.
Deal?
{I so have your back here!}
xo
Oh Elaine, I’m so sorry. Not that you’ve gained weight–you are fabulous at any weight, as you well know. I’m sorry that you are feeling down.
I know it might not seem likely, but I have these kinds of feelings too. Last week, AT THE GYM, I was feeling blah and bad and beating myself up for how I looked/felt. I know I can do so much better for myself, I just am not doing it. Poor food choices and making excuses to not work out, and so on. I’ve been there Elaine. It is so frustrating.
We just have to choose to make the next day not like that, right? With you!
I totally could have written this post. I have SO been there.
Hang in there…
I think the important thing to remember is that you know how to get where you want to be. Now, its just a matter of doing it.
Little changes, slowly but surely you will get back to that place.
You are so not alone. I remember those days of stepping on the scale and then off. Then right back on because that number HAD to be wrong.
First I wanted to get rid of 35 lbs. Now. That number has shrunk down to 10 lbs. And once I got started on eating right and walking/runnng…it just fell off.
BUT. I do remember where a lot of my inspiration came from.
I remember reading a blog about a woman who was running a marathon. I think it was her first. And she pushed and she persevered and she conquered. She never gave up and she got what she wanted and was where she wanted to be.
That “she” is you.
Love. You can do it. I’m here cheering you on. Just like I was then. And so is everyone else. =)
Boy can I relate. HUGS! 🙂
I have no will power either..my excuse is the nursing..and the baby that isn’t sleeping well so I don’t even know when I would exercise.
And, it’s the summer and we are vacationing and eating poorly….I feel you. I totally feel you!