The Miss Elaine-ous Life

random acts of life, family and photos

Dumb Stuff

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Everything seems dumb right now.  Really, it just seems numb AND dumb.

 

Yesterday on the drive home from Dallas, after my brother-in-law’s two memorial services on Sunday, Tim mentioned something – the Thai restaurant where we used to meet my mother-in-law and brother-in-law for dinner a lot.

I lost it.

Brian was not my favorite person.  We were complete opposites.  I was tradition and he was rebellion.  I was Sarah McLachlan, he was any punk rock band (I don’t know the names of any…)

I was “why did you leave your family?”  He was, “I gotta leave them to pursue this dream, this chance at happiness.”

But we could always share panang curry around a table in a small restaurant in Arlington, Texas.

Even though we misunderstood each other a lot, we had one person in common who was one of the most important people in our lives and that is my husband, his brother.

I knew Brian for almost exactly half of his life.

When Tim and I started dating he was 18.5 years old.  He took his life at age 37 plus a few months.

And when I say I “knew” him, I simply mean as much as he would let me in.

He used to make me SO mad with his attitude of always being right.  But I would take him back, right now and tell him he’s right every time if I could.

There is only one thing I really feel he was not right about and that was this last, final decision he made.

 

It’s hard to describe what you feel when a loved one leaves you unexpectedly and on his own terms.

It’s hard to explain how you feel when you wished you had known them better and spent more time with them.

It’s hard to convey how it feels when you know they were happy somewhere, somehow for a little while and you wonder why that could not continue…

 

So yeah, a lot of stuff around me feels really dumb right now.    Like daily routine stuff or the man who flipped me off on the road the other day who has no idea what is going on in my life right now.  Or just waking up every morning and realizing this is NOT a nightmare, but reality.

 

THIS is the Brian I knew “way back when”.  This is this Brian I spent the most time with.  This is the Brian I choose to remember for me, for the memories I hold dear.  This is the Brian I will always love…

 

Brian 01

 

But I love THIS Brian too because this is the Brian that was the most happy for some time, doing what he loved and living in a community that completely had his back.  Both Brians hold a place in my heart and in our family forever and ever.

 

Brian2

pink light images – december 2009

 

We’ll always miss you…

Always.

I hope you’re playing music “upstairs” right now.

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Comments

  1. I am so very sorry for your loss, for Tim’s loss, for the community’s loss.
    When a loved one leaves too soon, and in circumstances such as this, there’s just no wrapping your head or heart around it. I think it’s beautiful that you are honoring him this way.
    Love and light, Elaine. xo
    Alison recently posted…The TruthMy Profile

  2. Elaine,
    I am so very sorry for your loss. I am far too familiar with the pain that comes with a loved ones suicide. Frankly it sucks. You and your family will be in my prayers as you struggle with the questions and all the other awful thoughts that come with it. I would hug you in person if I could.
    <3 Liz
    Liz recently posted…Tough Mudder Mt Snow 2014My Profile

    • Oh Liz, I’m sorry you are familiar with this. It’s awful. Love to you too… xoxo

  3. Oh my heart is hurting for you and your family, Elaine, especially for your husband. Both Brian’s look like genuinely nice people. He was handsome, and it must be so hard on you all right now. It makes me sad that something made him take such a devastating turn. So sorry for you guys. Love, and peace. xo
    Loukia recently posted…Family Travel Tips (With Help From CATSA)My Profile

    • Oh Loukia, dear, thank you. I’m so sorry too. It’s just unthinkable. And so sad.

      xo back

    • He was definitely not in his right mind. I’m just so sorry we couldn’t help him..
      Thank you, Krystyn.

  14. Oh Elaine, I am choking on my own tears. I am so sorry that this happened, I’m sorry for you and Tim and your littles, I’m sorry for Tim and Brian’s mom because I know how heartsick and devastated she is and I am sorry for Brian because this world got to be too much for him.

    My own very recent loss of my own brother has tears streaking down my face and my heart hurting for you.

    this was such a beautiful tribute to your Brother in law, such an honest recount of what you loved about a soul gone way too soon.

    love you and am always here for you, through this and beyond. XO
    Kir recently posted…It Took a VillageMy Profile

    • I’m just so very sorry you’ve had to endure this too, my friend.

      Thank you for being here for me. I’m here for you too, you know that.

      xoxo

  16. Elaine, I am so sorry for your loss and your family’s loss. And I am so very glad you chose to write about it here. I appreciate every time someone shares a suicide story, because I can’t write mine. It is important to talk about, important to share, and important to try to stop.

    I’ll continue to hold you and your family in my prayers. Love you.
    Laura recently posted…The Race to Start a Race CareerMy Profile

    • I agree about it being so important, Laura. It’s sort of a silent killer, this mental illness thing and we need to talk about it more. Thank you for your prayers. Love you too…

  18. This is why I rarely have road rage. I always give the other driver the benefit of the doubt because they might be dealing with something far more important than going too slow in the fast lane. I’m sorry for your loss.

  19. This: There is only one thing I really feel he was not right about and that was this last, final decision he made.

    I agree with this with all my heart.

    I think he looked really cool with his punk look.

    I am so sorry for the pain your family is going through.
    Lady Jennie recently posted…SurrenderMy Profile

  21. I am so sorry Elaine. I saw your status yesterday and read his obit, and it is so sad when someone’s life is cut so tragically short. Sometimes we really cannot get out of our own way to be happy.
    Marta recently posted…In Absentia.My Profile

  22. That was beautiful, Elaine. All the mixed emotions that come with the fall out of a suicide. All the questions. All the anger. All the guilt. All the sadness. All of it. All the mess of it.
    I’m so glad you have this outlet to let it all out and be so honest about your feelings.

    My continued prayers for you, Tim, Brian, and the rest of your family.
    Peace.
    Kat recently posted…Back to BirdsMy Profile

  23. I have been on the side that Brian was on. The side where it doesn’t feel like you belong in this world. You writing this will reach so many people who feel like they don’t belong here but will then hopefully understand what it will do to their families, see how much they are loved, understand that this isn’t the only option.
    Thank you for writing about how it affected you.
    Thank you for speaking out.
    I’m so sorry for your loss.
    Leighann recently posted…How do we Stop the Thumb Sucking?My Profile

    • I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve felt that way Leighann but I am SO glad to hear from you, HERE. You are loved and life IS worth living. I wish I could have told Brian the same thing.

      XOXO

    • Cheri, that is exactly what I said when I first heard. I feel terribly for that as well…

  25. Hope you are all surrounded by love and support. Sending you peace and holding hope for you and your family. May happy memories of him be a blessing.

    • I’ll take them, Melisa. Thank you. How ’bout a real hug next month at BlogHer too? xo

  28. Love you, Elaine, and I am sending so much love to your whole family. I’m sorry for this loss, and I hope the memories of better times will be of some solace right now and in the future. xoxo
    angela recently posted…Under the crabapple treeMy Profile

  33. Elaine, I’m so very sorry for your loss. Yesterday, I had to go to a college friend of mine’s son’s funeral He too,took his own life. To see the pain and anguish on his Mom and Dad’s face will keep me up at night and haunt me forever. Your writing was beautiful and I hope it helps to heal the pain.

  39. Oh, my friend…I am so very sorry, and I know this type of loss is so difficult for those left behind. And your conflicted feelings are dumb, but completely normal.

    Sending you good thoughts, but I know this will just be a difficult time for all of you. xoxo
    Sherri recently posted…Happy Birthday, 20My Profile

  41. I am so very sorry for your loss. It is a terrible way to lose a loved one. Even though I know my father’s suicide was not about leaving ME, and even after five years, I still fight feelings of abandonment. Like you, if I could have him here with us, I would readily embrace all the bad with the good and be so happy about it.
    lemon gloria recently posted…Suicide and other conversation killers (Oh, hahaha!)My Profile

  43. I am so very sorry for you and your family Elaine. I understand your mixed feelings about your relationship with your BIL, we have been going through a rough patch with my BIL and I find myself wondering why he is doing these things to himself and his family, and yet he is family and we love him and don’t want him to hurt himself. No one should have to go through what your family is going through and too many families that I know have been going through this recently. It makes my heart so sad for all of you. Hugs.

    • I’m sorry for what you are going through too, Julia. Sometimes family is hard to understand. Thinking of you and hugs back. xo

  45. I totally get that everything seems so dumb after life gets so serious. When you lose someone you love, you look around and think “why have I wasted so much time on this stupid stuff?”

    I think it’s the trials we go through that show us what’s really important in life – the stuff (and people) that are worth our effort, time, energy and love.

    I’m so sorry your family has had to experience this kind of death. I, personally, think it’s the cruelest death of all. It leaves the family in so much pain and confusion.

    I pray that God will use this to strengthen your faith and your family somehow. He always has a plan.
    Debbie recently posted…Week 3 – A Month of Meals with Marcy Jo’s!My Profile

  46. This is a beautiful post and a wonderful, honest tribute to your brother-in-law, Elaine. You’re right – not much makes sense in this world. My heart just goes to you right now, and you and your family are still in my prayers. xoxo
    Andrea recently posted…Gone For NowMy Profile

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